idle in-between

Remember when I used to flush out my thoughts into beautiful words, witty comments, out right funny gestures. Remember when I was a whole person fighting the fight with only me by my side. The strength to move mountains, the power to do what ever my heart desired and the motivation to do it all twice in one day. I look at the years that I have struggled through, the days filled with power and ambition, the nights alone wishing for someone to sit and stay by my side for more than just a quick empty moment. It is hard to weigh them side by side. The power and strength of being alone and the eternal feeling of emptiness and loneliness.

I struggle to figure out how to make them live in a place of peace and serenity. How to be ok with feeling alone once again. I can't comprehend how to find the previous ambition to fight for what I want out of life. I have ideas and passion that all seems to be lying asleep inside of me. Hibernating through this change, different from the change in season yet happening in a parallel place of similarity.

I look in the mirror everyday and feel much like someone healing from a head injury. Am I me? I wonder as I stare in the mirror for a undetermined amount of time. Who are you, person staring back at me? What do you want to do today I ask, what do you want to come of this day? I want to make a difference, I want to smile and laugh with those I see standing near me. I want to think about what I can do, rather than being sophicated by thoughts of things out of my control. As I have been taught, I remind myself with each passing moment of the things I want to change, the things I want for myself. I remind myself to stop thinking, while it seems to only make me think more. In an explosion of frustration I throw my arms up and surrender. My power to control myself is only as strong as me. I need to give myself a break. Exhausted equals me.

Love, something I have never known or felt to this capacity before ever. It surrounded me and huged me in a way I wish I could have shared it with every passing person I saw. I forget how to enjoy it, and constantly worry about how I destroyed it without being completely aware. My heart can be overbearing and needy. It needs twice as many hugs, it needs twice as many kisses, it needs twice as many reminders, it needs twice as much love as any other heart I know. My heart controls all my actions, decisions and feels all the consequences my life, myself deals to it. My heart aches and sleeps, never resting idle in-between.

Decisions and consequences. I once decided this is what I want....I never found out what "this" was.. Perhaps I am a simple boy that just wants love out of life and nothing more. Is love my super power, or is it my cryptonite. The one thing I want more than anything seems to be the one thing that paralyzes me. No one moment ever seems to satisfy me. Nothing ever seems to be enough. The needing never stops, the wanting is always present with each changing thought. If only I could direct these feeling in the direction that would make a difference or save a life or at the very least change something for the good. If only my powers and strengths were worth having, rather that just draining and ultimately powerless.