Dear "Santa"

Three years ago, at about almost this very week, perhaps a few days off. I remember sitting in a bar with the best friend a person could ask for. A man, that makes me smile and laugh to this day, and girl whom i forget her name but not how she made us all laugh. So, with that I think...

Christmas, to me, is about a time to be with those that you love. It is a time to come together from your busy life, and take extra time with those you miss or see quite seldom throughout the year. That memory is so vivid in my head, more so than the hysterical events of the evening. Rather, the time we shared together. Moments were not counted. The time was genuine and free of expectation.

For any number of reasons, the holiday season always gets me to a point where I want to escape, rather than come together. Quite a contradiction to my previous thought. I rely on that though and thoughts like it. To find at the very least hope that I will embrace the season and not run away from it.

Anyone that knows me, understands my inability to do something when I do not wish to. Not that Christmas is something I wish to not "attend". It is more, I fall short on understanding how to enjoy a holiday when it seems more like work, than something that should come natural. Perhaps it is from years of pretending, to satisfy those around me, or maybe it is because of reasons I am not even aware of.

Moving on...

My point here is this. I wish this year for something new to open my eyes. To discover the holiday joy inside of me. I know it is in there...somewhere.

/ful/

fool, /ful/(n): a weak-minded or idiotic person.
__________________

Often I read the definitions to words I already completely know the meaning to. I believe to find further clarification. I usually read to far into it. I do that every so often. Sometimes I just want to see what is on the surface, as that which is deeper can cause unnecessary confusion.

I expressed this word to a friend earlier, in reference to myself. In knowing that being a fool, and being foolish can be different things. The root of it, the same regardless.

Perhaps I am not a fool, maybe I have been fooled. Irregardless, foolish is me.

twisted & tangled & terrified

so every so often I have that dream that I feel the need to share with all those that will listen...this is one of those times.

So last night, not unusual at all, I fell asleep on the couch watching TV. The show so not important, I could not even tell you what it was that I was watching. Off track, sorry. So I fall deep into a comfortable sleep tangled and twisted between pillows and my oversize sweatpants. My mind swimming...

I begin to climb this latter that to anyone would seem like forever while also there is something enjoyable about the climb. It is refreshing and frightening all at the same time. When I get to the top I am sitting in the smallest, yet tallest high-chair I have ever laid my eyes on. I sit and observe a man through the window. He tells me stories through photographs. He plays short excerpts of songs. He is the father of a very close friend of mine.

Our communication continues but no words are exchanged. As time passes I find myself slowly sliding down in the chair. Terrified, I realize if I try to pull myself up in the chair, it begins to violently rock and nearly tip over. I try, try and try again, but cannot pull myself back upright, now nearly sliding out of the seat of the chair.

Thousands of feet high up in the air, I am holding on for dear life with one hand, and waving for the man inside the room to take notice of my horrific situation. He waves and shows me a picture of a cloud, then a sunset. One single tear falls down my cheek as I consider letting go.

A powerful fear comes over me, and I decide trying and failing is better than throwing in the towel. I put both hands on the chairs arms and slowly and steadily as I can pull myself up into the chair, only as I pull myself up the chair begins to tip backward. I look forward and see the man waving goodbye to me. I reach out to him, then simply wave back.

Then I jump awake on the couch...twisted and tangled and terrified

dangerous daydreaming

My perspective on things does not seem to even be on the same planet as it was a year ago today.

Sometimes I cannot believe that I am actually present as time passes by. I obviously know that I am, as I have the memories as proof. When everything comes to a halt, using the present moment as an example, I am blown away when I look back at even the past day of events. Not to mention a whole year or more.

It’s quite overwhelming to piece together the thoughts I am having, trying to put together this puzzle of my journey. It’s hard to make this pathetic attempt to release some thoughts, sound interesting. Words used to flow out of my mind quite freely. While lately, it takes considerable effort.

I pass through page after page online, looking at the progression of my friends and loved ones. Watching such growth, birth as well as rebirth. Challenges being met and conquered. It’s quite amazing to see how much a year can make, change, destroy and rebuild. Quite easy when you are are talking about a tangible object. Quite extraordinary when you are talking about something real. Life.

After watching a movie last night, and reading over a well thought out blog of sorts from a distant friend. I have realized that once again I have fallen into this dark hole that leaves me hungry for more. I suppose that life can change as often as it would like to. Even if that means leaving my life in a disheveled mess. No matter how often you think you have everything figured out, there will always be a curve ball that forces you to realize “I have no idea what’s going on”.

Reading back over my words here have me realizing that I cannot move on from the same thought. I am almost so inside this emotion, it is all I can write about, it is all that I am feeling. It is, most definitely true to where I am in my life at the moment. This story, of sorts. These words, are me.