Three days have passed, and I have stared at the same images. I am not completely certain what I am feeling, or why. I am not certain about anything, while completely frustrated.
I take on, and handle what I am capable of, thrive to be the best person, the most caring person I can be. I never seems to be enough for me.
Five days from now, it is believed that life will change for me. Frustrated, I can't handle how frustrated I am.
Knowing is not always the best feeling, being in the dark leaves you content, even in the most miserably possible situations. Unimpressive sleeps better at night.
Scratching my head thinking, sipping a beer left over from a recent celebration. These clothes are starting to wear on me, this song repeating over and over again in my head.
Feet covered, jeans wrapped around my legs, I feel a chill no blanket can warm. Sitting up startled, I smirk at myself in the mirror, the only one in this world filled with people. Everyone is out there, while loneliness breeds inside this world, a loneliness indescribable with words. Indescribable in every meaning of.
Running as fast as I can inside my head, sweat pouring from my brow, breathing heavy,heart racing no muscles exerted, while soreness overwhelms all.
Talking a lot of crap, making very little sense. Take a walk with me, I swear it will start to take form before your eyes. I am a living creature, fading in and out every second that passes.
I am a being, moments from now, looking back at the weirdness of my very own words.
2.21.2005
2.17.2005
did you know?
Remember the first time chills ran down your spine? Staring deep into the first meaningful sunset, hearing the first song you connect with. Seeing that person, seeing you. Extraordinary experiences never to be forgotten.
Remember the first time you felt life inside of yourself? The blood rushing through your veins, heart pounding inside your chest, sweat pour from your brow.
Staring down at my hands this very second, as I type these words. I don’t recognize myself. Each vein standing on end as my hands rush to keep up with my thoughts, hand resting on my chest, when did all these years go by, was I here for any of it?
I remember every day that passes, nearly, and remember all the faces and facts that I have learned. From walking to looking both ways before I walk. For the life of me, the minor every day tiny little invisible changes and experiences always seem to get lost in the middle.
I pour water on myself at least twice daily. I can’t ever figure out why I do it, and it always comes unexpected.
The excitement of a new band, c.d., or music-related item usually causes me to skip through it many times over and over again, before I realize how much I actually like it.
Once I fall in love with anything, be it a person, place, flavor, smell or object, my love for it continues and multiplies forever. I consider everyone I love, as my ever-growing family, and would drop just about anything to save or share a moment of uncontrollable laughter with.
Once I feel or am caused pain, I carry a part of it with me forever.
I learn a new word everyday.
I believe the world would be different if life and learning came easier. I believe pain with equal amounts of comfort make us whole. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.
I don’t cry often enough.
Even though mine are not Oscar worthy, I believe first impressions are the most important.
I believe you can see into someone’s sole by looking into their eyes. I believe you can feel a person, without ever touching them.
I will always be my worst critic.
I believe kissing is more erotic, than having sex.
I hate being misunderstood.
I love to smoke cigarettes.
Many years of my life, I believed that when I was alone, out of the sight of the rest of the world that the world stopped. I couldn’t understand other people’s lives going on, when I couldn’t see it with my own eyes.
Candy is my largest weakness.
I love to dance like no one is looking, and love it more when someone is, and you see that reassuring smile.
I love it when someone buys me flowers.
I believe in story-book endings.
Remember the first time you felt life inside of yourself? The blood rushing through your veins, heart pounding inside your chest, sweat pour from your brow.
Staring down at my hands this very second, as I type these words. I don’t recognize myself. Each vein standing on end as my hands rush to keep up with my thoughts, hand resting on my chest, when did all these years go by, was I here for any of it?
I remember every day that passes, nearly, and remember all the faces and facts that I have learned. From walking to looking both ways before I walk. For the life of me, the minor every day tiny little invisible changes and experiences always seem to get lost in the middle.
I pour water on myself at least twice daily. I can’t ever figure out why I do it, and it always comes unexpected.
The excitement of a new band, c.d., or music-related item usually causes me to skip through it many times over and over again, before I realize how much I actually like it.
Once I fall in love with anything, be it a person, place, flavor, smell or object, my love for it continues and multiplies forever. I consider everyone I love, as my ever-growing family, and would drop just about anything to save or share a moment of uncontrollable laughter with.
Once I feel or am caused pain, I carry a part of it with me forever.
I learn a new word everyday.
I believe the world would be different if life and learning came easier. I believe pain with equal amounts of comfort make us whole. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.
I don’t cry often enough.
Even though mine are not Oscar worthy, I believe first impressions are the most important.
I believe you can see into someone’s sole by looking into their eyes. I believe you can feel a person, without ever touching them.
I will always be my worst critic.
I believe kissing is more erotic, than having sex.
I hate being misunderstood.
I love to smoke cigarettes.
Many years of my life, I believed that when I was alone, out of the sight of the rest of the world that the world stopped. I couldn’t understand other people’s lives going on, when I couldn’t see it with my own eyes.
Candy is my largest weakness.
I love to dance like no one is looking, and love it more when someone is, and you see that reassuring smile.
I love it when someone buys me flowers.
I believe in story-book endings.
2.16.2005
these conversations in my head
It is fantastic to hear you, and to have seen you over these past weeks, months...whatever. I can see the changes in you, and the way you listen to the world, and see what it offers you. The world is not terrible, and life does not suck. Too often, it is so easy to walk around, wishing for more, and being angry when our wishes do not come true. We all have the strength to survive, we have the power to do whatever it is that we want inside. Is that always easy? Shit no! I find that the things you really want, require the most sacrifice, and work. Nobody in this world is perfect, someone usually lacks where someone else excels...and that is where I try to learn the most. See where someone else is doing better, where you feel you can do better, and learn from that. Earlier in life I always thought, why me, why is this so hard, where are the directions to life, on how to live it. Each day that passes, we find that direction, even if it is in small spurts, and quick one-liners.
Lately, I have been lost, almost feeling pretty blank (not up or down) and that seems to leave me directionless. Knowing that this is no one person's fault but my own. I know that I have the power, and hold my self responsible for finding it. I lived many years in a narcissistic world, where my problems did not deserve that voice, hearing the "listen and see the misery of my life instead" routine. That has ultimately taught me a lot. Learned that in life, when feeling way down, or even way up. There may not be another living soul capable of hearing me, when I need to be heard. So I take that energy, and have learned how to better me. How that energy can add value to who I am as a citizen of this world.
It is amazing how that life, seems shorter than any of us realize. Last night, realizing it is already the second month of 2005, I aged another year a few short days ago. Didn't we just ring in the New Year? Didn't Santa just heave his sleigh off my roof? I find we focus far too much on tomorrow, and seem to forget today is even happening.
Lately, I have been lost, almost feeling pretty blank (not up or down) and that seems to leave me directionless. Knowing that this is no one person's fault but my own. I know that I have the power, and hold my self responsible for finding it. I lived many years in a narcissistic world, where my problems did not deserve that voice, hearing the "listen and see the misery of my life instead" routine. That has ultimately taught me a lot. Learned that in life, when feeling way down, or even way up. There may not be another living soul capable of hearing me, when I need to be heard. So I take that energy, and have learned how to better me. How that energy can add value to who I am as a citizen of this world.
It is amazing how that life, seems shorter than any of us realize. Last night, realizing it is already the second month of 2005, I aged another year a few short days ago. Didn't we just ring in the New Year? Didn't Santa just heave his sleigh off my roof? I find we focus far too much on tomorrow, and seem to forget today is even happening.
2.09.2005
eve to twenty-eight
Eyes closed, head bouncing, finding peace in this eve to twenty-eight.
Today, the first day in many where I am not looking towards the bed for salvation. Sipin’ some hot tea, finding salvation in me.
DG playing his thoughts, words floating through me. The guitar hits hard, lips lift up to a smirk. Having a good moment with me, drinking this damn tea.
A rhyme just this one time.
Many worlds before me, many in the nap-sack I carry around this planet. My memories laid out inside this album of photos, all laid out to perfection.
Index in time, this heart in me saves lives. The head planted on my shoulders, hiding what is mine, take the time to tour me sometime.
Siting back, hands planted on the sidewalk cement. Pulling that last drag from this cigarette. The world smells nice tonight, on this eve to twenty-eight. No stars in sight, but hey in me I still see em’ and they shine bright.
Today, the first day in many where I am not looking towards the bed for salvation. Sipin’ some hot tea, finding salvation in me.
DG playing his thoughts, words floating through me. The guitar hits hard, lips lift up to a smirk. Having a good moment with me, drinking this damn tea.
A rhyme just this one time.
Many worlds before me, many in the nap-sack I carry around this planet. My memories laid out inside this album of photos, all laid out to perfection.
Index in time, this heart in me saves lives. The head planted on my shoulders, hiding what is mine, take the time to tour me sometime.
Siting back, hands planted on the sidewalk cement. Pulling that last drag from this cigarette. The world smells nice tonight, on this eve to twenty-eight. No stars in sight, but hey in me I still see em’ and they shine bright.
2.01.2005
and we all fall down
However positive the world seems, and comfortable you are with yourself and that which surrounds you. There will always be moments of weakness.
The past few days, I have been feeling unstable, a little wobbly. I read a variety of horoscopes telling me the same thing, from different perspectives. Definitely positive words mixed with all the others. I relate, and feel like at any moment, it will all fall down.
Seriously though, so many different horoscopes
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The opposite of a fish out of water is an Aquarian in water -- and today it's sink or swim time. Let yourself float up in the clouds where the waters are denser than that and have fallen to earth. You don't have the luxury now of the airborne perspective you usually have. Instead, you are in survival mode as you stick your head out for a quick breath of fresh air before you sink back in for another lap.
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You may find yourself longing for some type of pleasant little escape. Some career issues might leave you feeling a little stressed out this week, and you'll probably feel like forgetting your cares with some good friends before the week is through.
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Eating crow is never tasty, and you've never been especially good at it. But you may receive information today that will force you to take a great, big bite. Could be that a higher-up you were sure was plotting something against you from behind the scenes has really been doing just the opposite -- and not just working for you, but trying to be a guardian angel. Don't expose the secret just yet. Wait and see if they come to you first.
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That “grass is always greener” syndrome motivates you to seek stimulation through education and travel. But with Jupiter going retrograde, you don’t have to leave today. Why not use the extra time to plan a wonderful adventure? Maybe sail down the Nile on a gay cruise or ride the Orient Express to the end of the line.
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