salt & pepper

Which direction?

I find much enjoyment during the early morning. Slowly the world wakes up, stretches its limbs while semi-groggy, steps into “go mode”.

Where did I come from?

I am all the people, events, minds that have been within hearing distance from my ears. All the spicy food I have digested, all the beautiful landscapes, photographs, paintings and sunsets. I listen, I observe, more than anything else.

Ever wanted something so bad?

Constant reminders in my head, my own voice saying,”please, please, please” slowly increasing its intensity. Day after day, realizing it’s answer…. comfort, contentment, calm.

Have I always known what I wanted?

There was this young child realizing feelings and phrases with a complete lack of understanding them. “I am yellow, but what is yellow…?” Just like everyone else, the answers have always been inside my pocket, written neatly beside my heart.

What does air taste like?

To exhale while releasing everything inside, to live free of suffocation, and numbness. The taste is sweet, but a sweetness that will never be packaged, and sold at the market. The taste is…

Salt & Pepper?
Most everything I cook will have a sprinkle of salt and a few twists of pepper. They flavor our food, and heighten our taste buds. I sprinkle my words, my thoughts, into this world and hope to season life, like salt and pepper.

Garden State

One of the best movies I have seen all year, now on DVD.. For me, this is without a doubt a movie I need to add to my collection. Something that I can watch atleast once a year. It was such a great story, uplifting, sad, funny...heartwarming.

bread + cheese = happiness

Oh, the joy of sandwiches. They are a combination of all your favorites nestled neatly, or sometimes not so neatly, between two of your favorite slices of bread. You can really make anything a sandwich, only two requirements in my eyes are the bread, and without a doubt the cheese.

all the bells and whistles

My hands warm by gloves, body underneath my jacket. I listen to my surrounding, gently smiling.

I am thankful, for each and everyone in my life, thankful for all that have walked through my life. More than memories, life changing experiences.

Feet walking faster than my body, stumbling around the house, tripping over shoes and the little boy names Tobias. Helpful reminders to slow down, your strength is not of speed, rather patience and understanding. My armor made of butterflies and wild flowers growing on the roadside. A gentle boy, with the largest eyes, and an open mind and spirit, elephants could run through.

Thank you, I appreciate you, I am grateful for you…written on the cards I am writing inside my head. The message I am sending from my stare. Everything I say, hear, smell. Everything I am, because of the landscapes full of beautiful hearts blossoming. Dancing in the field, arms spread wide. I embrace all the hearts, minds and spirits that have held my hand through these days, weeks and years. Fulfilling, never overwhelming.

Head tilted back, the icy breath of winter sliding around my neck and down my back. I shiver, I smirk. Coldness seasonal, warmth everlasting. Shoulders back and head held high, I live inside this suit and found the mirror where I see it fits. My hands small, but capable of moving mountains and carrying worlds. My arms soft and gentle, yet strong and powerful. My legs long as I stand tall, yet short and mobile to dance, run, jump and fall. I am me, I am you, we share thoughts, happiness, sadness, and laughter with tears. I am me, and I am the world.

I don't want to play anymore

This world...seriously, what the F*ck!

I can't understand this world that we live in anymore. I don't understand being underhanded. I can't fathom walking all over people around me, to benefit myself. I look at everyone around me as an equal. I live a life being thankful for the idea of a world of free choices. I wish that meant something, other than people using it in a way that destroy's others.

There is so much paperwork, signatures, documentation. What are we anyway? A business deal, disposable useless products? Rejects?

I feel labeled not as gay, or as white, or as of Dutch decent. I feel labeled as simply another beating heart, basically useless to the world in which I have faith.

Sometimes, I struggle to understand the point in it. At times like this, I remember those I love, my passions, the small things that make me laugh and giggle. They are important to me, and I would not trade them for anything. I simply struggle, why love, laugh and giggle in a place it is never noticed.

I wonder, am I my own world. Do I have these laws, these documents, these rules inside of myself?

I wonder...will any of this make a difference in the end.

I hate complaining, I hate hurting, I hate, hating...but it seems that this world has taught me how to do all of these things better than anything else.

Forever, I will continue to make my small differences, I will continue to love unconditionally, I will continue to laugh uncontrollably, but I will never stop noticing everything else, and will always harbor a little disappointment for that.

Comments Fixed

It was frustrating me all weekend, but I managed to figure it out. Comment away!!!

farther and farther

....watching the rain wash away from my windshield, I travel slowly. thinking, anticipating, walking slowly...just one please. thinking 'not my broken heart, just the ticket' far in the back, hidden in the darkness, sitting.

and so it is, just like you said it would be, life goes easy on me, most of the time....

love, betrayal, honesty, pain, love, betrayal, honesty, pain,love, betrayal, honesty, pain,love, betrayal, honesty, pain,love, betrayal, honesty, pain,love, betrayal, honesty, pain....lost in the world of all of these.

where is blame placed in this world. fragile minds, broken hearts. take advantage when it is there, leaving, idle, no one can predict where these emotions will turn you.

as simple as it may seem, love, life, today...controlled by something greater than ever will be known. running, standing, spinning out of control. embrace, be thankful, enjoy...it lasts as long as it is. no one can expect more than that.

an amazing movie, those moments of sitting there, solo, will be with me and remind me forever.

a smile for today

Enemies Within Me

I received a little note in the mail today, telling me that something I wrote was outstanding. A word I rarely use to describe anything about myself, or things my mind has created. It made me smile.

Editor's Choice Award presented to me by The International Library of Poetry

It may just be a sheet of paper, but it means something to me :)

Where does my world begin?

Overwhelmed with nausea. I am completely uncertain why I am here. I am a person like everyone else. I have needs, wants. I almost believe I have a purpose.

Last night after watching “The 5 People You Meet in Heaven” I thought to myself, even as it appears unknown and worthless, there is worth in everything.

My heart, lives in so much pain, I really do feel sadness, something therapy will never teach me how to heal. I sometimes wonder, with everything wonderful that enters our lives, what portion of it is tainted? Even if wonderful things are present, can sadness and pain live inside of it all?

I listen to those around me, and see how they survive day to day. I see friends with heavy loads on their shoulders, loved ones with tasks nearly impossible to deal with. Through it all, they move on. Even with all the pain and strain, they conquer each day with strength and find tomorrow. You are my mentor, I find strength in your seemingly fearless voyage.

I wonder if I will ever be understood. I wonder if I make myself impossible to understand. Those that have visited the inside of my world, window shopped inside my brain, have seen the confusion. I see the wounded little boy, the fearful teenage, the stressed out young adult. He lives on many levels inside me, along side of the tearless baby, the strong fisted adolescent, the capable man. We all live with our weaknesses, and weigh them against our strengths. Sometimes, mine get confused and I have a strong man up against a weeping child.

I control my world, but struggle with owning it. I am far too often misunderstood. People never realize the influences they have on others. Many find strength and grow but lack in realizing their initial impact. People believe yesterday is always easily forgotten. Far too many forget their actions can change a world, in the blink of an eye. No one in this world is perfect. Very few of us understand how we impact those around us.

Many people changed my life on many levels, and in that I am thankful, I am sad, I am forever different.