feeling insecure

does anyone read this blog...does not seem as though

....

hearts suck

sitting, listening around the room...nothing but silence
eyes closed tight, deep inside the silence the music starts
streems of tears crashing
mouth open, singing

"im gone and your still there"

months of weight crashing down
legs standing strong, the rain gushing down
i won't ever flintch

a tearful, unfortunate good bye oak tree

happiness or household cleaning tool

So, today I went to get a pedicure at the spa/nail salon by my house. It was a beautiful day, and a great way to bring the day to a close. The girl that does my pedicure always has silly things to talk about, as today she offered me a full leg waxing. Needless to say, I passed. We shared a few giggles, and so went my feet scrubbing and such.

Later on, I waited for Rachel's "after sex" nail polish to dry, and the women offered Rachel and I a pair of HOT PINK rubber gloves. She giggles as she gives them to me, thinking it would make me feel awkward, then procedes to tell me " Give them to your Mother, so your Father can be Happy".

Moments later, walking down the street to my house, i giggled a bit thinking, if only life were that easy.

AIDS WALK NY, 2005 - May 15, 2005

This will be the 5th year that I will be walking and raising money for the help to fight Aids. Please help me, help others

...click the mail box above to make a donation.

After the walk, I will post some photos to show just how handsome I look walking the walk with thousands of others...

xo

i wish

i wish controlling thoughts and feelings came easily
i wish questioning was unknown to me
i wish my foundation was a sound as I sell it to be
i wish i could take my own advice
i wish my head could make a decision without my heart
i wish people saw me like want them to
i wish my cat could clean his own litter box
i wish i could sing, and people would take notice
i wish happiness for all those that cross my path
i wish for things i believe are impossible, i wish my faith was stronger
i wish I believed in the overwhelming hope that lives inside of me
i wish smoking was neither good or bad for you
i wish fear was taught to us as a positive thing
i wish for you oak tree

objective friend

days of dreams answered
questions now rising like the sun into the sky
rationalizing these thoughts, every moment that has passed, amazing
the lights seen through my eyes speak truths, ten fold
sunglasses to hide behind, eventhough transparent
my invisible tears cried real, deep inside the darkness
warmth, flowing down my back
my feelings, real with life
looking up at you I see, these feeling developing, growing like a tree
......
i remember the first time, every word you spoke
i know where I stand, now my feeling awoke
numb arms, legs, glassy eyes
time to tell you, this boy cries
i hear your voice, your point seems clear
looking inside my heart, these feelings through tears
i stop, stand still, remind my time and place
it's hard to stop, stand back, while floating through space
i will look at you, you will know what I feel
nothing to question, nothing more real

"Cannonball" - Damien Rice-O

sometimes, you can't put your feelings into words, but someone else can...

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

white linen sheets

unimaginable, the energy that surrounds
laying back, silent in this dream, the strength of one multiplying
the soft cushion, comforting
your warmth, enveloping
a whirl-wind inside my chest, tight then smooth
dizzying, then settling
unexplainable, ten minutes that passed, numb, smiles, shivers, you
can you see, are you looking there
night moves forward, time stands still
refusing to blink while staring inside
i see your soul
i taste the air that surrounds you