salt & pepper

Which direction?

I find much enjoyment during the early morning. Slowly the world wakes up, stretches its limbs while semi-groggy, steps into “go mode”.

Where did I come from?

I am all the people, events, minds that have been within hearing distance from my ears. All the spicy food I have digested, all the beautiful landscapes, photographs, paintings and sunsets. I listen, I observe, more than anything else.

Ever wanted something so bad?

Constant reminders in my head, my own voice saying,”please, please, please” slowly increasing its intensity. Day after day, realizing it’s answer…. comfort, contentment, calm.

Have I always known what I wanted?

There was this young child realizing feelings and phrases with a complete lack of understanding them. “I am yellow, but what is yellow…?” Just like everyone else, the answers have always been inside my pocket, written neatly beside my heart.

What does air taste like?

To exhale while releasing everything inside, to live free of suffocation, and numbness. The taste is sweet, but a sweetness that will never be packaged, and sold at the market. The taste is…

Salt & Pepper?
Most everything I cook will have a sprinkle of salt and a few twists of pepper. They flavor our food, and heighten our taste buds. I sprinkle my words, my thoughts, into this world and hope to season life, like salt and pepper.

Garden State

One of the best movies I have seen all year, now on DVD.. For me, this is without a doubt a movie I need to add to my collection. Something that I can watch atleast once a year. It was such a great story, uplifting, sad, funny...heartwarming.

bread + cheese = happiness

Oh, the joy of sandwiches. They are a combination of all your favorites nestled neatly, or sometimes not so neatly, between two of your favorite slices of bread. You can really make anything a sandwich, only two requirements in my eyes are the bread, and without a doubt the cheese.

all the bells and whistles

My hands warm by gloves, body underneath my jacket. I listen to my surrounding, gently smiling.

I am thankful, for each and everyone in my life, thankful for all that have walked through my life. More than memories, life changing experiences.

Feet walking faster than my body, stumbling around the house, tripping over shoes and the little boy names Tobias. Helpful reminders to slow down, your strength is not of speed, rather patience and understanding. My armor made of butterflies and wild flowers growing on the roadside. A gentle boy, with the largest eyes, and an open mind and spirit, elephants could run through.

Thank you, I appreciate you, I am grateful for you…written on the cards I am writing inside my head. The message I am sending from my stare. Everything I say, hear, smell. Everything I am, because of the landscapes full of beautiful hearts blossoming. Dancing in the field, arms spread wide. I embrace all the hearts, minds and spirits that have held my hand through these days, weeks and years. Fulfilling, never overwhelming.

Head tilted back, the icy breath of winter sliding around my neck and down my back. I shiver, I smirk. Coldness seasonal, warmth everlasting. Shoulders back and head held high, I live inside this suit and found the mirror where I see it fits. My hands small, but capable of moving mountains and carrying worlds. My arms soft and gentle, yet strong and powerful. My legs long as I stand tall, yet short and mobile to dance, run, jump and fall. I am me, I am you, we share thoughts, happiness, sadness, and laughter with tears. I am me, and I am the world.

I don't want to play anymore

This world...seriously, what the F*ck!

I can't understand this world that we live in anymore. I don't understand being underhanded. I can't fathom walking all over people around me, to benefit myself. I look at everyone around me as an equal. I live a life being thankful for the idea of a world of free choices. I wish that meant something, other than people using it in a way that destroy's others.

There is so much paperwork, signatures, documentation. What are we anyway? A business deal, disposable useless products? Rejects?

I feel labeled not as gay, or as white, or as of Dutch decent. I feel labeled as simply another beating heart, basically useless to the world in which I have faith.

Sometimes, I struggle to understand the point in it. At times like this, I remember those I love, my passions, the small things that make me laugh and giggle. They are important to me, and I would not trade them for anything. I simply struggle, why love, laugh and giggle in a place it is never noticed.

I wonder, am I my own world. Do I have these laws, these documents, these rules inside of myself?

I wonder...will any of this make a difference in the end.

I hate complaining, I hate hurting, I hate, hating...but it seems that this world has taught me how to do all of these things better than anything else.

Forever, I will continue to make my small differences, I will continue to love unconditionally, I will continue to laugh uncontrollably, but I will never stop noticing everything else, and will always harbor a little disappointment for that.

Comments Fixed

It was frustrating me all weekend, but I managed to figure it out. Comment away!!!

farther and farther

....watching the rain wash away from my windshield, I travel slowly. thinking, anticipating, walking slowly...just one please. thinking 'not my broken heart, just the ticket' far in the back, hidden in the darkness, sitting.

and so it is, just like you said it would be, life goes easy on me, most of the time....

love, betrayal, honesty, pain, love, betrayal, honesty, pain,love, betrayal, honesty, pain,love, betrayal, honesty, pain,love, betrayal, honesty, pain,love, betrayal, honesty, pain....lost in the world of all of these.

where is blame placed in this world. fragile minds, broken hearts. take advantage when it is there, leaving, idle, no one can predict where these emotions will turn you.

as simple as it may seem, love, life, today...controlled by something greater than ever will be known. running, standing, spinning out of control. embrace, be thankful, enjoy...it lasts as long as it is. no one can expect more than that.

an amazing movie, those moments of sitting there, solo, will be with me and remind me forever.

a smile for today

Enemies Within Me

I received a little note in the mail today, telling me that something I wrote was outstanding. A word I rarely use to describe anything about myself, or things my mind has created. It made me smile.

Editor's Choice Award presented to me by The International Library of Poetry

It may just be a sheet of paper, but it means something to me :)

Where does my world begin?

Overwhelmed with nausea. I am completely uncertain why I am here. I am a person like everyone else. I have needs, wants. I almost believe I have a purpose.

Last night after watching “The 5 People You Meet in Heaven” I thought to myself, even as it appears unknown and worthless, there is worth in everything.

My heart, lives in so much pain, I really do feel sadness, something therapy will never teach me how to heal. I sometimes wonder, with everything wonderful that enters our lives, what portion of it is tainted? Even if wonderful things are present, can sadness and pain live inside of it all?

I listen to those around me, and see how they survive day to day. I see friends with heavy loads on their shoulders, loved ones with tasks nearly impossible to deal with. Through it all, they move on. Even with all the pain and strain, they conquer each day with strength and find tomorrow. You are my mentor, I find strength in your seemingly fearless voyage.

I wonder if I will ever be understood. I wonder if I make myself impossible to understand. Those that have visited the inside of my world, window shopped inside my brain, have seen the confusion. I see the wounded little boy, the fearful teenage, the stressed out young adult. He lives on many levels inside me, along side of the tearless baby, the strong fisted adolescent, the capable man. We all live with our weaknesses, and weigh them against our strengths. Sometimes, mine get confused and I have a strong man up against a weeping child.

I control my world, but struggle with owning it. I am far too often misunderstood. People never realize the influences they have on others. Many find strength and grow but lack in realizing their initial impact. People believe yesterday is always easily forgotten. Far too many forget their actions can change a world, in the blink of an eye. No one in this world is perfect. Very few of us understand how we impact those around us.

Many people changed my life on many levels, and in that I am thankful, I am sad, I am forever different.

just stopped by to say hello

My mind, numb.

A long Holiday weekend has come to an end. I spent a little over 24 hours sitting in my apartment, from Saturday afternoon, until I left today to come to work. My neck sore from lounging on the couch far too long. My mind numb from far too much television.

I have such a hunger to be creative. My mind constantly flowing over these past 5 days away from work. My body sort of paralyzed from taking action. I am a hypocrite of my own good advice. Life is too short, the world is at your fingertips, possibilities are really very endless.

I sit here at my desk, nestled inside this office. I wonder, why? I have a genuine heart, I care enough, I love truly and unconditionally. I sit here numb. I do not feel anything.

Our world has become so dependent on technology. I enjoy, and utilize all that it has to offer, while see how it paralyzes us all. People no longer do the random drive by to say hello. People are so against having their space invaded by the unexpected knock on the door. Funny, it is rarely offensive when someone IM's you without a call, or email to check on your availability.

I do not understand this world as much as I used to. I have spent countless hours of my life looking for answers. I believe now, I was better off living without wondering. Wondering and finding now leaves me feeling like an outcast.

someone moved....

I have had a blog on AOL for about a year, and have never been happy with it. So here I am blogging with the other bloggers. Since I am going to remove my previous AOL blog, I will be moving over some previous posts.

More to come, my mind..it is always in motion

Standing backwards in a mirror

Four walls, hard wood floors, a descending ceiling. Lying flat on my back, looking at the blue sky between the blinds. These thoughts running full of life in my head, tiresome. A “sneeze” with no bless-you.

Soft sheets, and fluffy pillows. Underneath a heavy quilt, my body shivering, legs aching. Around my neck, wrapped in my soft orange blanket, a childhood reminder that I will never be alone. Lying still, moving around, restless.

A warm coat, gloves and scarf. Strong shoes, and corduroy pants. Walking the street from what I call home, feelings walking though my veins from my heart, thoughts running throughout my body from my head. Slowly connected, realized and understood. Beautiful leaves dance beneath my feet, nature alive as it sleeps. This world, changing in its routine, Life developing, no matter what.

Another sneeze, still no bless you. Pulling a tissue from my inside pocket, a tear rushing down my face quickly caught. I stretch my arms above my head, then rest them arm over arm, hugging, comforting. Then a bless you I hear mixed in with my own thoughts.
I tossed the rope of orange and green around my neck, slid my hands into my pockets and listened to the soles of my shoes dance the sidewalk home

Forgetfulness; Amnesia; Impaired memory; Loss of memory

Memory loss: (amnesia) is unusual forgetfulness that can be caused by brain damage due to disease or injury, or it can be caused by severe emotional trauma

Alternative Names: Forgetfulness; Amnesia; Impaired memory; Loss of memory
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Picture it, My Car, earlier this morning, and by earlier I mean about one hour ago. I was driving to work, listening to some talk radio, sippin' on my coffee. My forty, or sometimes fifty-minute commute to work is usually my most creative period of my day. Sometimes I daydream, other times I problem solve (i.e. day dream) Today, I had this fantastic theory. It made sense in all the different lifestyles that we see everyday, far across this land. I had this sense of urgency to write it down, because I was sure this thought, these feelings I was having were sure to make a difference in at least one person's life, even if it was my own. Groundbreaking, a lot like the HBO original programming, only more realistic.

Four and one half minutes passed, and that thought. The amazing theory I had realized and made my own. My life altering idea, gone in the blink of......well it was gone quickly.

Nearly one hour later, and here I sit. Typing about this amazing idea, this groundbreaking thought. No more than sixty minutes, and I basically have no idea what I am even talking about.

I find that as each day passes, two hours, then three, four, five, six and so on hours from my forty or sometimes fifty-minute commute. I sit here, and slowly forget every act, face, thought or idea that I pass that day, until finally I fall asleep atnight to only start the process all over again the next day.

Life is amazing. I sit here, really we all sit here or there, never really sure. Actually very far from sure from how I understand it. Completely unaware of what will happen next.

xo

National Coming Out Day

It has been 5 years this past August since I decided to live my life as who I am, rather than who I thought everyone else would accept. It is an amazing feeling, living these past years as me, and it has been even more amazing growing into this, learning more about me, rather that fighting it off, and being ashamed.
I smile today and everyday, because I am able to live my life, and have the people around me love and support my decision to.
xo~bfree

~National Coming Out Day is held on October 11th every year to commemorate the first March on Washington by LBGT people. The March took place in October of 1987 and highlighted the lesbigay struggle for acceptance. The first National Coming Out Day was held on October 11, 1988.
The purpose of National Coming Out Day is to promote honesty and openness about being lesbian, gay or bisexual. LAMBDA celebrates this day with activities and resources designed to support coming out. LAMBDA also conducts ongoing projects to help enable our queer brothers and sisters to take their next steps out of the closet.~

Gifts from strangers...

It’s just terrible, utterly awful. Horrific, the best way to descried this. Terrifyingly simple, it looks like a train wreck, it feels like one too.

A line recently read, “For Serious, the Mommy told him, “Art never comes from happiness.”

Perhaps…dreadful, and darkness is easier to express. These feelings can be seen in orange, yellow, pink or white. They are most commonly noticed as deep red, blue, brown and black.

I believe there is a cobweb inside my head. It is growing, living. Thicker, and thicker yet. These webs become dense and uncontrollable.

Relaxed, head rested comfortably, legs stretched out. Short breaths, followed by long, the body relaxed and tension released. Shadows or spirits moving slow, then fast. Forcing thoughts with no interpretation. All these thoughts, all of this, basically unimportant.

Imagine forcing people to love you, or to simply make yourself noticed among others. Forcing, begging, pleading to simply be noticed, and to feel that inside. It is incredibly disheartening to realize that our children, and the children we once were. All grow into adults that will destroy the pureness of the next generation. It is terribly close-minded of me to say this without mentioning all the positive and bright individuals that will have the opposite affect. These people exist as well, more so to control the negativity, and to pick up the pieces.
Life is a beautiful gift. Sincerely, although there are times I struggle with understanding the directions to mine.

...there must be something else I can't see

I continuously get more and more disgusted with our country, our world even. We (generally speaking) will do anything to ensure that we are a head of everyone else. "I want to win, and I will step on whomever I have to, to achieve that" I wonder why my mind is so weighed upon. I wonder why waking up seems harder than any physical act known to man. I wonder why I walk this earth with a blank stare, with empty emotions.

Deep inside myself, I am not as depressed as I presently am living. I believe my mind, body and most importantly soul, are in shock. I see the ways of our leaders, and on a smaller scale, see these very same minds ordering me around at work. I feel trapped behind a higher power, a power that is the antonym of who I am.

I watched more TV than I should have yesterday. I allowed the words, and brainwashing of the public to make me feel inadequate. I am 27 years old, and can barely tred water. Sitting on old furniture, with a slow but steady increase in my waistline, and to top it off, I am homosexual. In America's eyes, the country I so try not to lose faith in, in these eyes...I am unacceptable, and utterly undesirable.

Is it how many dollars I have in my wallet? How many toys my "kids" have to play with? I truly believe it is neither. My alter-self, that part of me that has lost strength. The side that is beaten and bruised by our society, that side of me cries. That side of me steps back and looks at the pathetic man that has little to show for his journey thus far in life. I have lived the American dream, because my only asset is the debt this country teaches us is the only way of life. It is hard moving forward sometimes, when in front of you is a fire burning lives, burning the hopes and dreams of everything you hold as pure to your heart.

Today is

Weeks now have passed, I, remain asleep. I wish I could make sense of this comma that I am living in. I wish I could pinch myself to wake me of this miserable nightmare. It has been so long, I barely remember who I was before I ended up where I am now.

I wonder if it is possible to have died, and no one, not even me the wiser. I wonder.

Constant fire swarms around my head, anger, confusion. Where have I misplaced my life, my energy, my compassion for the beauty in the world. Perhaps my brain, one night beyond my knowledge, saw something, or realized, the purpose or meaning. My life hiding beneath it all. I normally realize "things" can always be worse. Today, I cannot recognize the better that I normally hold on to.

Claustrophobic, the story of my life ~Volume One~

claus·tro·pho·bic - "Clinically speaking, claustrophobic refers to an abnormal tendency to feel terror in closed spaces. But like other terms used to describe psychological conditions (narcissistic and schizophrenic, for example), claustrophobic has been applied more loosely in general usage over time. At first it referred to any kind of temporary feeling of being closed in or unable to escape (I felt claustrophobic in that tiny room). Then it became common to use it to refer to any kind of space that might make a person feel such sensations (The staff members are jammed into a nest of claustrophobic offices). This latter usage is unacceptable to 74 percent of the Usage Panel, implying that claustrophobic should be used only to describe a psychological state."

Again, I am unacceptable, in this case by 74%. I most often find myself holding up the back drop, making sure the walls don't cave in. Sometimes, I want to be the figure in the center of the room, living carelessly. I want to just not care, while somehow. Still Surviving.

Today, I returned from a short vacation away from my most hated place on earth. It was nice, but ended in a dark black place for me. I am still strong, just not colorful. I've sat here all day, hoping for something, anything to change my mood. Something, to change my life. I've been waiting for nearly 7 hours, and nothing good, positive and full of color has crossed my path. I guess this portrait, this image of my life involves much black paint. Does the artist know that I love orange?

Last night, I was watching TV. I was sort of laying, sort of watching the TV. I could hardly concentrate, I was barely interested. My chest felt tight, almost to the point where I had to breath heavy just to relax. I thought, how bad will this get before I realize I should call 911. I realized, I may not even dial 911. In the end, I didn't need to. I wish there was a "911" for fear of my own life dieing. My soul, my spirit, my energy. I mean, I can call forhelp if I am bleeding, or if my heart fails or attacks, but there is no number for the death of me, non-organ related.

Earlier, I was having this conversation. Talking about this and that, realizing during the conversation, I was not listening, nor contributing. I ended the call with a statement, goodbye. There is a lot to be said in that one word. People take it for granted. People take everything for granted, then later want to know why. Why did this happen to them? Humans, we are selfish creatures.

Right now, I want to cry, I want to scream. sigh...I am. I am the master at crying invisible tears, and screaming a soundless roar. All of it, controls my feelings. Constantly making my body motionless. Leaving me, scared and claustrophobic of me.

Just me and my thoughts for today...

So, I'm still tired, but not physically, but I guess sort of...mentally. I am just bored I guess..Bored with sitting here in this boring white square with walls and a ceiling. I am bored I say, with this "career" of mine. I can sit here and think about all the things I am supposed to be doing, and the thought of actually doing them is more painful then any pain known to man.

I want a simpler life, where I can wake up when my body is ready, travel off to a job where my creative side is fed meals fit for a king.

I want to have a child that looks up to me, where I am a super- hero in his eyes, even though I am a mere mortal.

I want a lake a short walk from my back door, with a dock, and a boat.

I want to sit down and write everything that enters my head.

I want to believe that everything I want in life is within my grasp.

I want to remove the tight business uniform, and live freely wearing shorts, a t-shirt, and my bare feet mingling with the grass.

I want to relax under the sun, sipping a tall glass of iced tea overflowing with lemons.

I don't want to wish, and dream and hope for this world. I want to see, taste, smell and feel it everyday.

I want to be a little old man, stretched out in my garden, calm, without a worry in the world.

I want a home full of laughter, smiles and pleasant surprises.

I want dinner parties and weekend gatherings of friends, filled with memories of the past, while memories are made.

I want to teach my children how to walk, and to talk, and how to make their dreams be their life.

I want to lie down at night, and quietly close my eyes, and feel safe, and secure with the man lying next to me.

I want it all, and the kitchen sink.

Freedom to me, means Equal rights for all!

Last night I had a discussion about the whole Marriage situation...and I thought to myself, hell, you want to write an amendment that states that Same Sex couples cannot marry, fine, do it, but if our government is going to be so close minded, and do so, then so be it, but then, take away this right from everyone, not just Same Sex couples, because apparently the Heterosexual population can't seem to get it right, so take their right away too, and lets be consistent for once.

I mean seriously...Same Sex couples are more prone to make it work, because they really want it. Why would someone go through all the headaches of achieving something like this, and then toss it aside so freely as people do these days with marriage. Think about it, all of the heartache, the daily pressure, and lack of acceptance. Someone willing to go through that is not just doing something without thinking. It is truly something I believe would last a lifetime.

The same thing goes for childbirth. People these days abuse this far more than not. This country tries to blame TV, Music, Movies, Video Games. Anything they can blame on why children grow up with social disorders, or as murders, or thieves. When really, these children, which vary from personality to personality, are in the situation they are in because of being forced into a world where they are not wanted, under appreciated, and rarely cared for. Childbirth should be something you have to apply for, the same as those that cannot conceive children, the same as adoption. I truly believe, that if people had to fight for it, because they actually wanted to raise a child. I truly believe that child would be born into a much happier world. That child would grow up appreciated, loved, and have a better chance in finding a life he/she truly wants.

Now, with everything, there would still be those even born into loving and caring homes that would rebel. Nothing in life is perfect, but at least we could eliminate the factor of that child being born, and unwanted. Because bringing a child into this world, without good intentions, is a crime to me.

So…sorry, I kind of went off here. Just some thoughts I had. I am so glad to see the result yesterday. It was disheartening to realize that it was still close, but we won nonetheless. Marriage to me is a sacred bond of love and companionship between two consenting adults, no matter sex, orientation or preference. Why take that away from anyone, and furthermore in our free world, why was it even up for discussion. Yes, I know the answer, but still with all the answers in my head, I still ask the same questions.

Ok, I am babbling…

Ciao

Life itself, is the only wonder in my world.

It's quite amazing...life, ridiculous conversations...hypocritical people. Life itself, is the only wonder in my world.

A few years ago, I started out in my world, with all my efforts, all my energy facing towards making the world in which I live in, a better place from day to day. All of my effort into making my existence matter. Giving all I can to make whatever difference I can.

I stand here today, and reflect back over those years, and I realize...It is so easy to see all the negative things that life has offered. It is so easy to see all the pain that invaded me. It is so easy to feel weighed down, and ultimately..it is easy to feel, see, smell and taste all the bad things that face me each and every day.

It is hard to find those things that make life...have light.

You watch TV, read newspapers, magazines, and billboards even. Every which way you turn, this world reminds you, you are ok, but you can be better. All the wonderful things that life gives you, all the presents filled with smiles, and baskets full of shoulders to lean on. All of the breath taking sunsets, and satisfying home cooked meals. Everything easily overlooked.... Everything, equally important.

Classrooms, to office meeting rooms, we are taught to focus on the negative. Give your attention to what is bad...and all the good is simply..a given.

In my world, I want to focus on the good, realize the bad...and be thankful for the life, time, and love I have been given.

Yesterday.

Is that rain outside, slapping against the roof, sliding down the window? The sky opened up, the rain rushed down. It was obvious, it was raining.

Do you ever look inside of your head, and see all the answers, but not know which one to choose? I find myself over compensating for what I feel is a complex mind. What I have discovered is that my mind is no more complex than the next. My brain struggles in comprehending that. Days that have past, experiences lived. I always point out the obvious, while my brain tells me it is breaking news.

I wonder what it would be like to live a simple life, not held back with the over thoughts, the complicated feelings. What would it be like to know, and to feel without questioning? I guess I will never know, because it is me I am talking about sacrificing. What would it be like, to not be me? Something I will never know, nor do I believe I want to.

Clowns, masked beings, drag queens even. Is it a portrait of who hides inside? Are these images of what they see in their dreams? What are they afraid of? I see inside of me, what I see on the outside. I see a confused boy, an unattended child. I see me, in all my thoughts. Do clowns dream of small cars and big shoes? Do they dream like me and you?

Tied up in my bed. I laid there feeling the energy of a red bull, without actually drinking the red bull. Why am I a prisoner inside me? Why, if I have the key? I stare deep into the darkness, and find what is not there. I dream of all the images I see. I dream of things that cannot be.

Damn it,I am me.

...this world has more, than I can see

...the night, very clear, everything very calm...everything blurry ...everything clear


i sat in my bed Friday night (early Saturday morning) unable to sleep, unable to close my eyes. It was 3am, and all I could do was think. I could see movement in the darkness, movement that was not there.

I got up out of my bed and decided to do something I have not done in quite some time. I got dressed, and drove off to the "view" up in the hills of Montclair. I was going to be deep, I was going to open my eyes, and see twice as much as I normally see.

I drove through the quiet streets, windows open wide, the only sound...my car humming along. The peaceful feeling, twice as amazing, as I had imagined. No music was playing on the radio. No life...yet everything was alive.

I drove through the hills of Montclair, feeling almost like I was inside my dreams. Funny...it was a dream, long awaited. I could hear birds waking up, and the gravel crackle under my tires. Everything feels intensified, just before the night becomes day. The sky more vibrant, but so often over looked, therefore less acknowledged. It was simply beautiful, all the pictures I have, deep inside my head.

My headlights turned off, showing how dark the sky, yet how bright my world. My entire body shaking, at this beauty, almost like something I never saw.

Is the sky always this beautiful? Everyday, every morning? Does everyone know? This is something that will never be forgotten. The peaceful world, exploding with beauty.

The beautiful sun rose...and the thought inside my head..."this world has more, than I can see.."

Life is obscure, yet comprehensible.

...today, now that yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is still out of reach..I stand in the future.

It is impossible to say, what tomorrow will bring? It feels only possible to dream for what, in your eyes, you hope to see tomorrow. I stand on this earth day in and out, and see life changing before my eyes. I wonder, when will life move faster than I can comprehend...or has that process already begun.

I am afraid of slacking and falling behind, yet fearful of the rapid pace of progression. I fear quick progress with technology, while, quickly regressing mentally. I have so much to offer, while negative energy seems destroy who I am capable of being. I allow it to control me, rather than standing strong and resisting its ways.

I tend to speak very generally in my life. Telling a story open for much interpretation. It only feels fair, as we are all born unto this earth with our own minds, our own opinions, we are ourselves. My story is mine, but when you read it, it becomes yours. I read everything this way. I visualize each moment, how I see it inside of me, and I feel that is such a wonderful gift, and would never wish that away.

I am not a complex person, I just think in a complex manner. I enjoy making something simple like food shopping, or finger painting an enormous task inside my head. The story is given life, the moment I start thinking and when the time is right, it becomes a work of art.
n. life (l f) - The physical, mental, and spiritual experiences that constitute existence.

Life is obscure, yet comprehensible.

Something's too far out of reach, something's too hard to keep.

I open my arms, reach out my hands, the world to large, my grip to weak.
If only I knew, what was not to be feared.
I could focus my time, I could listen and hear.
I stood watching, sitting and staring
The music in my ears, the words, dancing in my head.
I want to jump, and spin, and dance like you
I want to, do you?
My feet cemented, grounded to the earth.
I have little control, to fight this at all.
Circles and circles I walk around you, do you see me, cause I see you.
My eyes, damp, quickly dried by the wind.
My arms chilled, suddenly warmed by the sun
My heart weak,my heart weak...
My heart weak, chilled by the sun, and damp by the wind.
I see all the beauty, cant stop and stand
Standing still, just for a moment, the ground softens, it pulls me in
Constantly moving, fighting this world we live in.
I stand, constantly moving, while constantly standing still.
Then silence ....and it all starts again.

...enemies within me

I opened my eyes this morning, listening to the rain, shivering under the covers, I rolled over and pushed my face deep into the pillow. Moments passed, and strings of tears fell from my eyes, immediately soaked up by the cushion holding my face. I feel empty, I feel alone, I hurt too.

My feet reached the cold floor, causing a frigid icy chill to race up my spine..my eyes opened with a jolt. Yeah, it was another morning. Another Monday morning, and today I was feeling beaten and bruised, and the torture just continued as I walked the icy floor.

I stood for what seemed like hours, feeling the warmth of the hot shower fall against my back. I stood there, blank stare on my face. Thinking so much, yet no thoughts connected. I turned to face the water, trying to warm my heart, artificially. I feel cold, I feel alone, I need warmth, I hurt too...My heart bleeds...Days and nights I fight through..I stood there, my feet still cold...

My enemy within me, fighting to hold me back. I cry too, I smile too, I weep for you.

death of a daydreamer

I have pages and pages of words, thoughts, and dreams. All written from my inner emptiness, written from my daydreams, or as I call them, the life I wish I were living. I find it to be very true that emotion turned into beautiful forms of art, whether using words, paint, welding together a Chevy and a Toyota, or singing out every last breath you have inside. All art comes from inside, something you long for, even if you have it.

All through my life, I have given life to my dreams, through words and with paint, because if I hadn't, I felt as if I would die. I couldn't live with myself knowing that they would go to waste. Now looking back, I have all these words, all these art forms hidden inside my home, under my bed, in boxes covered in tape. I gave life to my words, and then I killed them.

Now, I sit at night in front of a blank screen, wondering where all the words have gone. I am blank inside, so I question why I don't have inspiration to fill the blankness. I am hungry to write, to a point that I am full. A few weeks ago, while discussing life, and it's interesting twists and turns with my therapist, I came to realize that I am blank inside, but at the same time, have stopped daydreaming. She questioned, Do you feel that you have merged the two lives together, do you feel like you are now living the life you always dreamed of? I had no answer, just simply sat quiet through the rest of the session. The only thing since then that I have realized is I don't recognize myself anymore. I see a familiar face in the mirror, I hear a familiar voice speaking out, but inside my head, where I have spent so many years living, I feel like I am a complete stranger.

What do the stars and planets know about me anyway......

So, I was reading my horoscope today, and I just can't understand..I realize these are generalized blurbs, to basically make a poor lost soul feel like he/she has someone or something to give their day meaning, and the guidance it so needs.....but come on.

So, today, mine is saying this:

"Your natural urge to be an innovator may seem to have vanished today, dear Aquarius. In fact, you may not feel like doing anything outside of routine tasks that you can perform automatically. You're just suffering from low biorhythms, so don't fall into the trap of feeling that you're turning into a lazy bum. Relax today, and tomorrow you'll be your usual energetic and inventive self. Tonight: rent a pile of videos and forget your day."

I was feeling kind of lively today, and have been super productive with all my work thus far, I realize it is only 9:30, but I have been here since 7:45.. Also, Rent Movies... Do the stars know, or even care that I owe Blockbuster 12 dollars, and if I am so damn lazy today, what makes them think I would even have the motivation to drive to blockbuster, and sweat over making a decision on which movie I want to see, when in reality 90% of all the movies sitting on the shelves at blockbuster are just poor thoughts that some second rate director somehow received funding for, and *bam* their they are, staring back at me on the blockbuster shelf...I can shit in a bag and throw it against a wall and call it art..WHERE THE HELL IS MY FUNDING!!!

So in closing, what do the stars and planets know about me anyway, I am just a boy, living in the suburbs of New Jersey, without any chance of ever saving 15% or more on my car insurance...