Welcome Home!

It's funny how that home changes meaning throughout the years, but still can retain a glimse of the original meaning at the same time

I've thought about this all day today as I drove off to spend this holiday with those I love and know return love, unconditionally.

Home to me has been an ever changing and evolving thing. Home, no matter how scary or uncomfortable has always, ironically, gave me that comfortable feeling that is nearly impossible to translate into words.

In my life, I find the feeling of home to be close to those you care for, while feeling that indescribable security. I have that feeling when Dante puts his arm around me just when I need him to. When Rachel calls from london exactly when I need to talk. When my sister remembers and reminds me of being kids, when we would laugh and play, regardless of other distractions, when my mother gives me her look of peaceful disconnection, and when my grandmother looks at me with her long lived wisdom...that wisdom that clearly tells me she knows what I am going through...every step of the way.

Home follows you. It is not a place, or a person...It is a feeling. One like no other.

Happy Thanksgiving ..... my list of reasons to be thankful is beyond endless

Thoughts can Paralyze

par·a·lyze (pr-lz)
tr.v. par·a·lyzed, par·a·lyz·ing, par·a·lyz·es
To make unable to move or act
To impair the progress or functioning of; make inoperative or powerless
------

Especially in my case, I lose strength when my I am overwhelmed by my thoughts.

In my life I have often found myself lethargic when engulfed in uncertainty. One thing about myself that has only grown through the years is my heart and ability to love. I love truly and deeply and once trust is realized...I love freely and blindly. I realize the weakness caused by this, but also believe within weakness is great strength.

I've been told to be too dramatic, and to dwell on things longer than needed. I both love and hate this trait of mine. I love the dramatic side of things as it is what feels true to my heart and mind. Perhaps I dwell because of my inability to feel complete until all the facts are crystal clear. Regardless I accept this of myself, as well as the consequences that come along with it from time to time.

This morning as the sun rose, I layed in bed staring at the ceiling playing thoughts and images over and over again. I had an emotional day yesterday, and as I layed there I wished for some of these traits of mine to correct themselves.

I guess I am not really heading in any one direction...I just have many emotions sitting in my heart that need to be released. I have always found great comfort in releasing them by writing, even if only I underdstand what I am talking about.

Wierd Al - White and Nerdy

I Passed!!

So after a long two weeks of wondering the outcome, I got my results from my State Board Licensing exam, and as you can see above...I freaking passed...

Huge weight #1 lifted...

Who's buying me drinks to celebrate?

Blank Page

Sitting here staring into this page has me puzzled. It has always been the easiest way for me to vent my thoughts and clear my head. Writing down just what I am thinking, in or out of order of event. Lately I find it hard to accomplish this. Lately I find it hard to do a lot of things. I try to present a fully aware and intact person to the outside world, while on the inside I am just plain dizzy. I argue with myself about the choices I have made in my life. I disagree with many choices, but have great thanks to many as well. Guess there is balance somewhere in all of that.

I often find myself sitting listening to the same song over and over again. I partially believe it has to do with my seeking the true meaning of the song, at least to me. The other part of me believes I know the meaning and enjoy being in that moment so much, I cant bear to move on from it. Sitting within this one song is a lot like being inside my mind, looking through my eyes and seeing the world. Sometimes the song is fast, sometimes its slow...and many times whether happy or sad my emotions get the best of me to turn out at least a tear or two.

Everywhere you go you hear about how fast life passes you by and how important each moment is. Never take for granted, live free of regret. Its surreal to think how when you live by these two rules, the painful sacrifice that comes along with it. Its not an easy task to put your ego aside, tail between your legs, heart wide open with all your bloody vulnerability out there for all to see. I guess you could say in turn the strength to do all of that is far greater than any other.

Here I am again, not completely sure where I was going with this. Just a random few paragraphs of my thoughts in case anyone out there was wondering what runs through my mind these days. I often think too much by some individuals standards, I can agree on the surface, but realize after further investigation I think just the right amount. If I thought less, I would do less, I would be less, I would care less. All things I dont want for myself. Fear, struggle, discomfort, moments of vivid freaking out. All for a reason...hopefully these reasons will become absolutely clear sooner than later.

Within all of my fear, confusion and gut wrenching screams there are also those moments of absolute peace. Moments of complete happiness, moments of a realness I often believed did not exist. Ive learned so much from simply living life and taking those important mental notes. Watching people travel through my life with their important messages. I read all the signs and forget nothing and no one. I carry very little hate for even the most hateful person that crosses my path and I carry eternal love for those with even whispers of good wishes. I embrace my friends with good thoughts and love within my thoughts even when they are at a physical distance (miles and miles across water and earth) I admire my family and all its unique quirkiness'. The strength within my sister, mother and grandmother will forever amaze me. I adore my boyfriend, in my mind he is the most genuine wholehearted person I have ever shared my heart with. Within all of this I find everything I need to smile when I wake in the morning, laugh when something is funny and see the beauty in things people normally overlook.

With that, I am off

In our daily lives problems are bound to arise. The biggest problems in our lives are the ones that we inevitably have to face, like old age, illness, and death. Trying to avoid our problems or simply not thinking about them may provide temporary relief, but I think that there is a better approach. If you directly confront your suffering, you will be in a better position to appreciate the depth and nature of the problem. If you are in a battle, as long as you remain ignorant of the status and combat capability of your enemy, you will be totally unprepared and paralyzed by fear. However, if you know the fighting capability of your opponents, what sort of weapons they have and so on, then you're in a much better position when you engage in war. In the same way, if you confront your problems rather than avoid them, you will be in a better position to deal with them.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

What you think upon grows...

Have a Smooth Day!

Voyage

Rarely in life have I encountered anyone that has fulfilled a dream from childhood. My life, a constant struggle quite hard to explain with words, has only recently begun to make sense. As a child I saw my future and dreamt of the this every moment possible. Inside these dreams, I lived a level of sadness as I believed my dream was an unrealistic reality. I made my commitment recently to eliminate the thought of impossibility and to push forward to what lives naturally inside of me. During this voyage I have discover new challenges, that of self doubt, that of indescribable impossibility, that of uncontrollable excitement. Within all of these emotions I struggle to train my mind that each of these emotions will help to push myself to success. I embrace my fear as this fear keeps me constantly aware and meticulously focused on achieving and satisfying my dreams

Say Hi

A semi long awaited posted of my new ride...Isn't he cute?

so after a little over a month of driving, I still find myself smiling while spending time in my new beetle. Being a long time VW supporter, I never thought I would find myself behind the wheel of a new beetle conv. and now I am. Now if only I could get summer off the brain. I can't wait to speed down the shore with the wind in my hair with honeybear at my side...

Tell me what you think...!

moments with you

unimaginable, the energy that surrounds
laying back, silent in this dream, the strength of one multiplying
the soft cushion, comforting
your warmth, enveloping
a whirl-wind inside my chest, tight then smooth
dizzying, then settling
unexplainable, these moments that have passed, numb, smiles, shivers, you
can you see, are you looking
night moves forward, time stands still
refusing to blink while staring inside
i see your soul
i taste the air that surrounds you

28 Random things about (b)ryan

1. I love the smell of freshly washed sheets
2. I look forward to guiltless days spent on the couch
3. I love the feeling when my sock slides off my foot in my sneaker
4. I love wearing buttons on my jeans
5. I adore the color orange
6. I still get slightly upset during the holidays about the whole "Santa isn't real" nonsense
7. I once tried to hide on the school bus when I was too young to go to school, cause I was the youngest and everyone else got to go
8. I threw a fit the first day of Kindergarten and couldn't get on the bus, so my mother had to drive me there (silly huh)
9. I once drank a half of a bottle of bacardi rum when I was 13 and threw up in the woods all night...I thought it was like beer and learned that lesson the hard way. (besides, what was I doing drinking at 13...)
10. I used to get excited when I was younger when my sisters friend Erin would come to visit..she always made me feel like a person...Love you Erin :) (and I still get excited when she comes to visit)
11. I love mens ankles
12. I once argued with my second grade teacher about coloring outside of the lines. I couldn't understand what difference it made, considering we would be cutting the picture out anyway. She made me sit in the coat closet.
13. During my senior year of highschool I was mistaken for my sister on SEVERAL different occasions
14. I love the feeling of my honeybear coming to bed after I've already been sleeping
15. I love waking up to the sound of rain
16. I love sitting on my Grandmothers front porch and seeing her being busy in the kitchen
17. I love West Milford when the leaves start to change (sometime around sweater season :) )
18. I like to smell my food before I eat it
19. I love taking rides with no destination ( especially with you Rachel...miss you)
20. I love finding Tobias sleeping in the bathtub...he is such a silly kitty
21. I am a known neat freak with tiny piles of clutter in places people can't see. I am a "closet" clutter lover.
22. My mother still has the ability to make me feel like I am 10 years old...sometimes it makes me smile on the inside.
23. I like to have the TV or Radio on when I am home even if I am not in the room
24. I take a shower every hour if possible when I am sick.
25. I love discovering peoples odd habits and seeing how it makes them who they are.
26. I love the sound of trains
27. I love ceiling fans
28. Most of all, I love falling in love. It awakes a part of you that sometimes you forget it there.

So there you have it...(28) things about me, inspired by Auntslappy...and the fact that I fastly approach 29...my final run as a twenty something.

Dude, where's my best friend?

Saying our goodbye's could not have been any harder, but at the last moments on Friday night and Saturday morning at breakfast I sat with each moment clear minded and happy. Friends are so much more than we ever realize. Rachel Mae, always a free spirit on a constant voyage, something that makes me admire you, and gain constant strength and knowledge...as well simply share such a close bond. This bond has taught me that anything in life is not only at our fingertips, but that the process is the most important part of the voyage. The destination, nothing more than a new starting point. I'm not sure if I could ever vocalize to anyone the tears I shed as I watched you walk off into the airport. Tears tangled in real saddness and pure happiness. The simple reality of it all being, I hate seeing you leave, cry at the thought of this chapter closing...but know the chapters to come hold nothing less than continued memories dancing in that ring of joy....In a perfect world we could keep all those that live in our hearts at our fingertips...but living in a perfect world is impossible, and what fun would it be anyway, right... I am so incredibly proud of you Ray Ray, and eventhough you are a mere plane ride away, I will still miss you imensely...

you a beautiful soul, an unconditional friend...and I love you dearly

I smile when I look at these photos...smile, smile, smile

All I Really Want Is...

It's somewhat of a joke amongst close friends of mine...I claim to be relatively patient, and they all...well they all laugh at me. I realize my day to day actions make me appear somewhat "impatient", when really I guess in many senses I am being impatient at the moment. I don't believe I am an impatient person by nature, rather my natural surroundings have made me this person lacking patience.

I look at this cabin and think about "what I really want in this life". I think about waking with the new day and drifting off in my mans arms. I think about wandering about and finding where I need to be that day as I enter it. Swinging beside a lake surrounded by the sunset. I dream of my cabin of peace, the place where tradition will be born.

Many things in my life have been absent for so long, that now the longing has created this impatient person masking who hides underneath. I discuss in my weekly Monday discussions how this cabin is nothing more than a metaphor for what I seek to have spiritually. Now, even though I agree greatly, I still believe this fantasy is more than simply a thought or idea living inside my subconscious. I believe it is who I am.

People often believe they have an idea of who this boy Bryan is. I come in many shades, and often adapt to my surroundings. In Bryan's reality, I am a simple boy, with one simple wish. Since as long as I can remember, this reality is all I need to live life in, an overwhelming yet satisfying world surrounded with peace and happiness.

Do I want to work in the fashion world, do I see myself working in a fast paced world that relies on this ever changing world of technology? I answer this question within my arguments with myself often. I answer, of course I do...then pleed...why can't I have both?

I recently found a man that makes me smile at the thought of him. He frustrates me with his differences. He confuses me with his way of accomplishing things in life. These things only make me strive faster and stronger toward him, as his differences intrigue me, they satisfy me and most of all, they make me appreciate and adore him more and more each moment I live and breathe on this earth.

Life is a funny journey... My frustration and confusion with it, make me love it more and more. Curiosity feeding my hope and faith each second, I nolonger can keep track.

So..for those wondering..All I really want is this...some claim I am dramatic, I claim I am simply quite passionate...All I really want is this here, that I just spoke about.

Brokeback Mountain

So, I'm not going to say too much now, as I don't want to give too much away before others go and see it, but I must say....everyone, most definitely, should go and see it.

So...what are you waiting for...GO...NOW!!!

Cut~Color~Style

Today was a different day in the my world which is Cosmetology School. Finally reached into my creative side and produced something I am quite proud of. There have been several moments, the Artistic "Runway" Show, and various other styles I never captured on camera, but today I stood back and actually felt an overwhelming feeling of 'proud' with the work that I did. The color came out just as I had formulated, the cut, in my opinion, flawless. Then I was standing there and thought I could just dry her hair and be done with it. This time I decided to put my creative efforts to work, and style with my free time. I don't believe the photos do any justice to the feeling I had when I finished and stepped back from it all...but here they are.

Let me know what you think :)

Santa Hair

A little fun this Holiday Season...Innocently stopping by a bar for some warmth and a beer or a few, turned into a bar filled with Santa's and a voyage around the city "Wearin' the Santa Hair"...Definitely a good time, especially when you get strangers to take part in wearin the hair. Proves the point that with a little push, you can get people to do anything...

Happy Holidays to All !!!

Buddhist Inspiration

~Buddhist Monks Laos~

"The Secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, nor to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly."

~Shakyamuni Buddha

What you think upon grows...

Inside this Blue eye of mine

"Does anything change in the sky when we understand that there is no Big Dipper?"
-John Goldstein

The continuation of my life, follows through thoughts such as that quoted above. Can we believe in that we cannot touch, see, smell or hear. Often I find my thoughts tangled in the idea that yes, of course they can. I still have moments of disbelief, regardless.

Reflecting on the years of my life, a series of thoughts occur. Following down paths lined in hope and faith, my curiosity is awoke by the idea that inside this path, have I any proof or understanding to continue to feed this hope? Strength and courage only pursue so far, when solidity is absent.

I am sitting on my cushion, taking the five minutes of time. Running fiercely away inside my head, visioning it with eyes closed tight. I merely blinked one eye, with a simple lift in the corner of my mouth.

Six Forty Five

rainy saturday
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

Six forty five on a Saturday morning. I guess the early to rise all week as bled into my weekend. Usually I can hold onto the dream world much longer and sleep through the rise of the sun, and awake after life has already began its routine.

This fine morning I laid in bed, listened as the rain fell and random cars passed. Few birds chirping outside my window, making Tobias at full alert. My body completely comfortable, my brain semi restless. Powerless over the process, I gave in, and slid out from under the covers.

Complete darkness, with the exception of the screen at which I stare. I contemplate which direction my day of freedom will take me. I embrace the endless options, while feel satisfied if they all were to be left unfulfilled.

Reading over my words from a moment ago, I see how my tired eyes and sleeping thoughts make little sense. It has been some times since I have released a random thought, I figure what a better time than now.

Smelling the coffee brew in the other room, I find comfort and peace. There really is nothing like sitting at home, rainy day...drinking coffee...talking random crap on a blog that no one reads.

If you ever find yourself awake, while the rest of the world sleeps...I say embrace it...alot goes on, when we think no one is looking....poor guy outside just lost his umbrella to a gust of wind, and I bet he thought no one saw it happen...but I did, and he will never know.

Five Minutes

Stop, sit down and take five minutes. This seems to be something most of us find nearly impossible to do in life. Constantly struggling to get where we want to be, fulfilling what we need to make us happy, seeking an impossible level of satisfaction.

I struggle in understanding this, just the same as probably most of the population of the living and breathing. Most of the situations we find confusion with can be solved by simply stop trying to reach resolution. Understanding and accepting, without reservation or expectation.

It is often the obvious that we stand blind to in darkness. Why should we have to practice something, when it’s point is blatant? Dismissing that what we believe we understand continuously, rather that viewing its power and allowing its assisting compassion and reality to bring a moment of peace. I live guilty of this and consciously seek the alternate route it will prove to open up to my life as well as the life of all those I come into contact with.

At first when posed with this Five Minutes of sitting down still, free of any movement I thought this is quite simple, and anyone can do it. Within the first forty-five seconds my mind began to tell me to move to simply find a more comfortable position. I fought this urge while silently contemplating how hard it really is to take these simple Five Minutes out of my life to help find endless amounts of peace.

The plain reality being, Five Minutes is no longer that Five Seconds. It will cost you nothing.

Eighteenth, September, Two Thousand Five

Summer Sky, 2005

The secret of beginning a life of deep awareness and sensitivity lies in our willingness to pay attention. Our growth as concious, awake human beings is marked not so much by grand gestures and visible renuciations as by extending loving attention to the minuest particulars of our lives. Every relationship, every though, every gesture is blessed with meaning through the wholehearted attention we bring to it.

In the complexities of our minds and lives we easily forget the power of attention, yet without attention we live only on the surface of existance. It is just simple attention that allows us truly to listen to the song bird, to see deeply the glory of an autumn leaf, to touch the heart of another and be touched. We need to be fully present in order to love a single thing wholeheartedly. We need to be fully awake in this moment if we are to receive and respond to the learning inherent in it.