All I Really Want Is...

It's somewhat of a joke amongst close friends of mine...I claim to be relatively patient, and they all...well they all laugh at me. I realize my day to day actions make me appear somewhat "impatient", when really I guess in many senses I am being impatient at the moment. I don't believe I am an impatient person by nature, rather my natural surroundings have made me this person lacking patience.

I look at this cabin and think about "what I really want in this life". I think about waking with the new day and drifting off in my mans arms. I think about wandering about and finding where I need to be that day as I enter it. Swinging beside a lake surrounded by the sunset. I dream of my cabin of peace, the place where tradition will be born.

Many things in my life have been absent for so long, that now the longing has created this impatient person masking who hides underneath. I discuss in my weekly Monday discussions how this cabin is nothing more than a metaphor for what I seek to have spiritually. Now, even though I agree greatly, I still believe this fantasy is more than simply a thought or idea living inside my subconscious. I believe it is who I am.

People often believe they have an idea of who this boy Bryan is. I come in many shades, and often adapt to my surroundings. In Bryan's reality, I am a simple boy, with one simple wish. Since as long as I can remember, this reality is all I need to live life in, an overwhelming yet satisfying world surrounded with peace and happiness.

Do I want to work in the fashion world, do I see myself working in a fast paced world that relies on this ever changing world of technology? I answer this question within my arguments with myself often. I answer, of course I do...then pleed...why can't I have both?

I recently found a man that makes me smile at the thought of him. He frustrates me with his differences. He confuses me with his way of accomplishing things in life. These things only make me strive faster and stronger toward him, as his differences intrigue me, they satisfy me and most of all, they make me appreciate and adore him more and more each moment I live and breathe on this earth.

Life is a funny journey... My frustration and confusion with it, make me love it more and more. Curiosity feeding my hope and faith each second, I nolonger can keep track.

So..for those wondering..All I really want is this...some claim I am dramatic, I claim I am simply quite passionate...All I really want is this here, that I just spoke about.

Brokeback Mountain

So, I'm not going to say too much now, as I don't want to give too much away before others go and see it, but I must say....everyone, most definitely, should go and see it.

So...what are you waiting for...GO...NOW!!!

Cut~Color~Style

Today was a different day in the my world which is Cosmetology School. Finally reached into my creative side and produced something I am quite proud of. There have been several moments, the Artistic "Runway" Show, and various other styles I never captured on camera, but today I stood back and actually felt an overwhelming feeling of 'proud' with the work that I did. The color came out just as I had formulated, the cut, in my opinion, flawless. Then I was standing there and thought I could just dry her hair and be done with it. This time I decided to put my creative efforts to work, and style with my free time. I don't believe the photos do any justice to the feeling I had when I finished and stepped back from it all...but here they are.

Let me know what you think :)

Santa Hair

A little fun this Holiday Season...Innocently stopping by a bar for some warmth and a beer or a few, turned into a bar filled with Santa's and a voyage around the city "Wearin' the Santa Hair"...Definitely a good time, especially when you get strangers to take part in wearin the hair. Proves the point that with a little push, you can get people to do anything...

Happy Holidays to All !!!

Buddhist Inspiration

~Buddhist Monks Laos~

"The Secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, nor to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly."

~Shakyamuni Buddha

What you think upon grows...

Inside this Blue eye of mine

"Does anything change in the sky when we understand that there is no Big Dipper?"
-John Goldstein

The continuation of my life, follows through thoughts such as that quoted above. Can we believe in that we cannot touch, see, smell or hear. Often I find my thoughts tangled in the idea that yes, of course they can. I still have moments of disbelief, regardless.

Reflecting on the years of my life, a series of thoughts occur. Following down paths lined in hope and faith, my curiosity is awoke by the idea that inside this path, have I any proof or understanding to continue to feed this hope? Strength and courage only pursue so far, when solidity is absent.

I am sitting on my cushion, taking the five minutes of time. Running fiercely away inside my head, visioning it with eyes closed tight. I merely blinked one eye, with a simple lift in the corner of my mouth.

Six Forty Five

rainy saturday
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

Six forty five on a Saturday morning. I guess the early to rise all week as bled into my weekend. Usually I can hold onto the dream world much longer and sleep through the rise of the sun, and awake after life has already began its routine.

This fine morning I laid in bed, listened as the rain fell and random cars passed. Few birds chirping outside my window, making Tobias at full alert. My body completely comfortable, my brain semi restless. Powerless over the process, I gave in, and slid out from under the covers.

Complete darkness, with the exception of the screen at which I stare. I contemplate which direction my day of freedom will take me. I embrace the endless options, while feel satisfied if they all were to be left unfulfilled.

Reading over my words from a moment ago, I see how my tired eyes and sleeping thoughts make little sense. It has been some times since I have released a random thought, I figure what a better time than now.

Smelling the coffee brew in the other room, I find comfort and peace. There really is nothing like sitting at home, rainy day...drinking coffee...talking random crap on a blog that no one reads.

If you ever find yourself awake, while the rest of the world sleeps...I say embrace it...alot goes on, when we think no one is looking....poor guy outside just lost his umbrella to a gust of wind, and I bet he thought no one saw it happen...but I did, and he will never know.

Five Minutes

Stop, sit down and take five minutes. This seems to be something most of us find nearly impossible to do in life. Constantly struggling to get where we want to be, fulfilling what we need to make us happy, seeking an impossible level of satisfaction.

I struggle in understanding this, just the same as probably most of the population of the living and breathing. Most of the situations we find confusion with can be solved by simply stop trying to reach resolution. Understanding and accepting, without reservation or expectation.

It is often the obvious that we stand blind to in darkness. Why should we have to practice something, when it’s point is blatant? Dismissing that what we believe we understand continuously, rather that viewing its power and allowing its assisting compassion and reality to bring a moment of peace. I live guilty of this and consciously seek the alternate route it will prove to open up to my life as well as the life of all those I come into contact with.

At first when posed with this Five Minutes of sitting down still, free of any movement I thought this is quite simple, and anyone can do it. Within the first forty-five seconds my mind began to tell me to move to simply find a more comfortable position. I fought this urge while silently contemplating how hard it really is to take these simple Five Minutes out of my life to help find endless amounts of peace.

The plain reality being, Five Minutes is no longer that Five Seconds. It will cost you nothing.

Eighteenth, September, Two Thousand Five

Summer Sky, 2005

The secret of beginning a life of deep awareness and sensitivity lies in our willingness to pay attention. Our growth as concious, awake human beings is marked not so much by grand gestures and visible renuciations as by extending loving attention to the minuest particulars of our lives. Every relationship, every though, every gesture is blessed with meaning through the wholehearted attention we bring to it.

In the complexities of our minds and lives we easily forget the power of attention, yet without attention we live only on the surface of existance. It is just simple attention that allows us truly to listen to the song bird, to see deeply the glory of an autumn leaf, to touch the heart of another and be touched. We need to be fully present in order to love a single thing wholeheartedly. We need to be fully awake in this moment if we are to receive and respond to the learning inherent in it.

Bodyless Monsters

Sam II w/Sunglasses
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

Sam II back in action

So...here is a first look at what we have to work with all day at school. This is poor representation of the style, as I started to brush it out before I thought of this neat idea...anywhoo...isn't she fabu in her shades...

Narrow Path

narrow path
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

The lyrics to this song could not be any more "perfect".

For so many days of my life I feel I have been seeking perfection, whether with appearance, communication, love, happiness or sadness. I have found perfect moments, but never this idea of perfection. I now believe perfection lives inside of all these imperfections we hide, feel shame for and lock-up and throw away the key.

The wind blows to achieve balance on earth, lately the wind in my life has been a hurricane of feelings. Leaving me in a state of awareness and devistation. For far too many hours I have lost strength hoping to save my world alone, I have realized I too, need help along this journey. Stopping in my tracks and asking, has been the most worth while lesson I have learned yet. What does tomorrow have in store? I wait with open arms, and an even more open mind.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Fix You, Coldplay

Deb's Do...DONE

So week one is over...leaving a mere 1,176 more hours left of learning the craft of cosmetology.

Tonight, I think Deb (mannequin head 1) is going out on the town with her teased out, brady bunch looking', stylin' doo.




****disclaimer feel free to send cash****

It's because...

ever notice things you do in life, later seem to have reason.
sitting back in a lounge chair, pondering over events from the past
I often find myself in this situation.

last night I had quite a long conversation about this, all the while I was sitting in my chair taking mental note after mental note. "even the mistakes we make have purpose"
later last night I compared different heartache and pain, to that I have lived, and saw minor similarities, as well as major ones.

Life.

I feel sorrow that things in my life could not have taken a different path. I can definitely say I, until recently with school, have not planned much of my life, if any of it at all. I just let it happen, with all my hope and faith in one basket. The past four years taught me some of the most valuable lessons about that basket. In so many aspects, I would have done all the same things, in others, I would have done the complete opposite. Overall. I still can see inside of everything, and always find peace.

I find it never productive to react in the heat of any moment, but we often do, regardless. I stop and think, my father being one of the biggest sons of bitches that walks the earth, and still he gave me the best gift of all. Even in hurt, there is love.

It's all because of love.

xo

Lessons

Then

You taught me the road of deception
You taught me to say one thing, while meaning another
Your legacy was built on years of lies before I met you
A short period of my life I followed suit.
You taught me I had to do this to see you
You taught me it was ok
You taught me things, I realize, I never wanted to learn

Now

You teach others lies you have made up about me
You teach others with your half truths and your mixed messages
You teach others, while you are completly unqualified to teach lessons of the heart or the mind.

------

I've learned trust is earned, and some friends wear masks
I've learned I never knew people I loved with my whole heart
I've learned you are no better than I (which applies to everyone on this great earth)
I've learned to forgive, rather than to hate
I've learned, and live free of regret
I've learned maturity is something realized, rather than something you "grow into"
I've learned to take a deep breathe before getting upset
I've learned to hear people out, because I realize some messages are hard to get across
I've learned some people will never stop trying to you hurt you, but realize my strength is three times the size of their hate.
I've learned from my mistakes, and hope others can learn this too

Listen

Sia~Breathe Me

VHI Wedding~Take One~

VHI Wedding 3
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

So some of you know, Scott had asked me to assist on this larger project.

A VHI special, where this lucky couple is getting the wedding of their dreams basically. As much money on flowers as many people spend on a small starter home ( that's a lot).

Here is a view of the garland Scott and I made this evening...breath taking, isn't it?

Let me know what you think...

(click the photo to see more of the beauty on flickr)

View

View
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

There are many gifts we give in life to those we hold dear to us. Material object, sometimes with depth, and others just to make others giggle a little.

In my life, I have given many of those types of gifts, both of depth and humor.

Recently I have discovered that some find the gifts I have given with depth and sentiment are merely to them, humorous. They find an emotional past, laughable. Looking at those souls, I find a few tears, and hope one day they find their way.

I my opinion, it can take a lifetime to get to know someone, and you may never truly know who they are. In my case, a few people have taken the voyage, and in their cases, I see them, and they see me. In other cases, people have said they could see me, when really they were not even looking in my direction. Some could say it was all a waste of time. I say, no time wasted, merely a lesson learned.

My life has been anything but easy, but in my time, at what I would say a young age, have come out of a lot of darkness, and faught for what is right in the world. I have made mistakes, and tripped over a few potholes, but never attacked maliciously. I hate no one in this world, even those that hate me purely.

So I sit back, I take in the view and realize my success in life, and see nothing but more to come in the future. I sometimes look over my shoulder and wonder, what if, could I, should I, did I...and I then turn back and realize...yes I did.

Six Feet Under

Tears
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

Last nights episode was truly the saddest episode of any show, I have ever seen...

Who was I just then?

Tobias with Pride
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

The past 6 months have taught me a lot about life. Hearing about death, and birth. I stop and realize, the period between has depth, with an ever shortening length. I don't fear death or even think about it too often, simply I realize the process. Surviving from A to B, usually effortless, its the hurdles that slow us down. I believe we choose the size of each hurdle.

Each day I remind myself of this, and each day from this I have learned the thought is far greater than the challange.

Peace and Love to All
b

super fun new sneakers

new sneaks
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

The simplest things make me smile...

don't you love them?