feeling insecure

does anyone read this blog...does not seem as though

....

hearts suck

sitting, listening around the room...nothing but silence
eyes closed tight, deep inside the silence the music starts
streems of tears crashing
mouth open, singing

"im gone and your still there"

months of weight crashing down
legs standing strong, the rain gushing down
i won't ever flintch

a tearful, unfortunate good bye oak tree

happiness or household cleaning tool

So, today I went to get a pedicure at the spa/nail salon by my house. It was a beautiful day, and a great way to bring the day to a close. The girl that does my pedicure always has silly things to talk about, as today she offered me a full leg waxing. Needless to say, I passed. We shared a few giggles, and so went my feet scrubbing and such.

Later on, I waited for Rachel's "after sex" nail polish to dry, and the women offered Rachel and I a pair of HOT PINK rubber gloves. She giggles as she gives them to me, thinking it would make me feel awkward, then procedes to tell me " Give them to your Mother, so your Father can be Happy".

Moments later, walking down the street to my house, i giggled a bit thinking, if only life were that easy.

AIDS WALK NY, 2005 - May 15, 2005

This will be the 5th year that I will be walking and raising money for the help to fight Aids. Please help me, help others

...click the mail box above to make a donation.

After the walk, I will post some photos to show just how handsome I look walking the walk with thousands of others...

xo

i wish

i wish controlling thoughts and feelings came easily
i wish questioning was unknown to me
i wish my foundation was a sound as I sell it to be
i wish i could take my own advice
i wish my head could make a decision without my heart
i wish people saw me like want them to
i wish my cat could clean his own litter box
i wish i could sing, and people would take notice
i wish happiness for all those that cross my path
i wish for things i believe are impossible, i wish my faith was stronger
i wish I believed in the overwhelming hope that lives inside of me
i wish smoking was neither good or bad for you
i wish fear was taught to us as a positive thing
i wish for you oak tree

objective friend

days of dreams answered
questions now rising like the sun into the sky
rationalizing these thoughts, every moment that has passed, amazing
the lights seen through my eyes speak truths, ten fold
sunglasses to hide behind, eventhough transparent
my invisible tears cried real, deep inside the darkness
warmth, flowing down my back
my feelings, real with life
looking up at you I see, these feeling developing, growing like a tree
......
i remember the first time, every word you spoke
i know where I stand, now my feeling awoke
numb arms, legs, glassy eyes
time to tell you, this boy cries
i hear your voice, your point seems clear
looking inside my heart, these feelings through tears
i stop, stand still, remind my time and place
it's hard to stop, stand back, while floating through space
i will look at you, you will know what I feel
nothing to question, nothing more real

"Cannonball" - Damien Rice-O

sometimes, you can't put your feelings into words, but someone else can...

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

white linen sheets

unimaginable, the energy that surrounds
laying back, silent in this dream, the strength of one multiplying
the soft cushion, comforting
your warmth, enveloping
a whirl-wind inside my chest, tight then smooth
dizzying, then settling
unexplainable, ten minutes that passed, numb, smiles, shivers, you
can you see, are you looking there
night moves forward, time stands still
refusing to blink while staring inside
i see your soul
i taste the air that surrounds you

you can't deal with my infinate nature

you'll spy...
yes...
on me...
yes...
will you be spying on me in the bathroom...
yes...

When it totally seems all over the place, it really is not...I completely enjoyed this movie.

I heart huckabee's (A)

I am laughing right now, just thinking back..gotta love Lily Tomlin

softly, content

the body, this tired planet waiting for discovery. lying flat, back arched, chills racing from head to toe.

a few moments feel like a lifetime, a few seconds like centuries. this feeling, pulsating throughout every ounce of human flesh. these chills, longing for warmth, longing, that simple powerful touch.

the blood of many souls swirling around inside the fishbowl glass, images of you dancing within the deep red swirls. images so real, eyes closed tight, a firm grip on hope and it all comes alive inside this fantasy.

soaring high above this world, looking down at the small planet, gazing through the clouds. trying to find balance, while shuffling through the piles of memories inside this mind. thoughts overpowering so, words barely able to describe them. tilted head weeping, smiling, thinking of you.

pillow framing this smile, eyes closed in ecstasy, shivering with each moment, a pinch, reminders of reality. arms raised bellowing emotion toward the sky, reaching the clouds, all within hearing distance.

witty smirk, head twisted looking backwards, chin resting on this here shoulder.

softly, content.

oak tree

cigarette burning away in the ash-tray. head resting in my hands, decisions I never thought I would be faced with, weighing heavy on my mind.

music playing on the radio, decisions dancing inside my mind. i can't remember when I was this tired before in life. so tired, yet full of life.

even when you think there will be no surprise around the corner, one grabs hold of you, shakes you around and makes you take notice.

staring out the window, thinking, not sure about what. blue-eyes, you think too much, smirk plastered on my face. something this easy can't be real, something this hard, can't be this easy.

being a true believer in fate, my smirk falls and my eyes close tight. questioning why, how, if. Everything. i can't remember the last time. why do I question, when enjoying is easier. life is what it is, is it not?

seeing the jersey lights shine, the center of the world in the distance. life can expire today, tomorrow, minutes from now. thinking, questioning...useless when the box closes. i already have the answers, today i stop questioning them.

my smiles are real. because i am full of life. thank you oak tree, for the gentle, absolute reminders.

get out of me

Three days have passed, and I have stared at the same images. I am not completely certain what I am feeling, or why. I am not certain about anything, while completely frustrated.

I take on, and handle what I am capable of, thrive to be the best person, the most caring person I can be. I never seems to be enough for me.

Five days from now, it is believed that life will change for me. Frustrated, I can't handle how frustrated I am.

Knowing is not always the best feeling, being in the dark leaves you content, even in the most miserably possible situations. Unimpressive sleeps better at night.

Scratching my head thinking, sipping a beer left over from a recent celebration. These clothes are starting to wear on me, this song repeating over and over again in my head.

Feet covered, jeans wrapped around my legs, I feel a chill no blanket can warm. Sitting up startled, I smirk at myself in the mirror, the only one in this world filled with people. Everyone is out there, while loneliness breeds inside this world, a loneliness indescribable with words. Indescribable in every meaning of.

Running as fast as I can inside my head, sweat pouring from my brow, breathing heavy,heart racing no muscles exerted, while soreness overwhelms all.

Talking a lot of crap, making very little sense. Take a walk with me, I swear it will start to take form before your eyes. I am a living creature, fading in and out every second that passes.

I am a being, moments from now, looking back at the weirdness of my very own words.

did you know?

Remember the first time chills ran down your spine? Staring deep into the first meaningful sunset, hearing the first song you connect with. Seeing that person, seeing you. Extraordinary experiences never to be forgotten.

Remember the first time you felt life inside of yourself? The blood rushing through your veins, heart pounding inside your chest, sweat pour from your brow.

Staring down at my hands this very second, as I type these words. I don’t recognize myself. Each vein standing on end as my hands rush to keep up with my thoughts, hand resting on my chest, when did all these years go by, was I here for any of it?

I remember every day that passes, nearly, and remember all the faces and facts that I have learned. From walking to looking both ways before I walk. For the life of me, the minor every day tiny little invisible changes and experiences always seem to get lost in the middle.

I pour water on myself at least twice daily. I can’t ever figure out why I do it, and it always comes unexpected.

The excitement of a new band, c.d., or music-related item usually causes me to skip through it many times over and over again, before I realize how much I actually like it.

Once I fall in love with anything, be it a person, place, flavor, smell or object, my love for it continues and multiplies forever. I consider everyone I love, as my ever-growing family, and would drop just about anything to save or share a moment of uncontrollable laughter with.

Once I feel or am caused pain, I carry a part of it with me forever.

I learn a new word everyday.

I believe the world would be different if life and learning came easier. I believe pain with equal amounts of comfort make us whole. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.

I don’t cry often enough.

Even though mine are not Oscar worthy, I believe first impressions are the most important.

I believe you can see into someone’s sole by looking into their eyes. I believe you can feel a person, without ever touching them.

I will always be my worst critic.

I believe kissing is more erotic, than having sex.

I hate being misunderstood.

I love to smoke cigarettes.

Many years of my life, I believed that when I was alone, out of the sight of the rest of the world that the world stopped. I couldn’t understand other people’s lives going on, when I couldn’t see it with my own eyes.

Candy is my largest weakness.

I love to dance like no one is looking, and love it more when someone is, and you see that reassuring smile.

I love it when someone buys me flowers.

I believe in story-book endings.

these conversations in my head

It is fantastic to hear you, and to have seen you over these past weeks, months...whatever. I can see the changes in you, and the way you listen to the world, and see what it offers you. The world is not terrible, and life does not suck. Too often, it is so easy to walk around, wishing for more, and being angry when our wishes do not come true. We all have the strength to survive, we have the power to do whatever it is that we want inside. Is that always easy? Shit no! I find that the things you really want, require the most sacrifice, and work. Nobody in this world is perfect, someone usually lacks where someone else excels...and that is where I try to learn the most. See where someone else is doing better, where you feel you can do better, and learn from that. Earlier in life I always thought, why me, why is this so hard, where are the directions to life, on how to live it. Each day that passes, we find that direction, even if it is in small spurts, and quick one-liners.

Lately, I have been lost, almost feeling pretty blank (not up or down) and that seems to leave me directionless. Knowing that this is no one person's fault but my own. I know that I have the power, and hold my self responsible for finding it. I lived many years in a narcissistic world, where my problems did not deserve that voice, hearing the "listen and see the misery of my life instead" routine. That has ultimately taught me a lot. Learned that in life, when feeling way down, or even way up. There may not be another living soul capable of hearing me, when I need to be heard. So I take that energy, and have learned how to better me. How that energy can add value to who I am as a citizen of this world.

It is amazing how that life, seems shorter than any of us realize. Last night, realizing it is already the second month of 2005, I aged another year a few short days ago. Didn't we just ring in the New Year? Didn't Santa just heave his sleigh off my roof? I find we focus far too much on tomorrow, and seem to forget today is even happening.

eve to twenty-eight

Eyes closed, head bouncing, finding peace in this eve to twenty-eight.

Today, the first day in many where I am not looking towards the bed for salvation. Sipin’ some hot tea, finding salvation in me.

DG playing his thoughts, words floating through me. The guitar hits hard, lips lift up to a smirk. Having a good moment with me, drinking this damn tea.

A rhyme just this one time.

Many worlds before me, many in the nap-sack I carry around this planet. My memories laid out inside this album of photos, all laid out to perfection.

Index in time, this heart in me saves lives. The head planted on my shoulders, hiding what is mine, take the time to tour me sometime.

Siting back, hands planted on the sidewalk cement. Pulling that last drag from this cigarette. The world smells nice tonight, on this eve to twenty-eight. No stars in sight, but hey in me I still see em’ and they shine bright.

and we all fall down

However positive the world seems, and comfortable you are with yourself and that which surrounds you. There will always be moments of weakness.

The past few days, I have been feeling unstable, a little wobbly. I read a variety of horoscopes telling me the same thing, from different perspectives. Definitely positive words mixed with all the others. I relate, and feel like at any moment, it will all fall down.

Seriously though, so many different horoscopes

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The opposite of a fish out of water is an Aquarian in water -- and today it's sink or swim time. Let yourself float up in the clouds where the waters are denser than that and have fallen to earth. You don't have the luxury now of the airborne perspective you usually have. Instead, you are in survival mode as you stick your head out for a quick breath of fresh air before you sink back in for another lap.
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You may find yourself longing for some type of pleasant little escape. Some career issues might leave you feeling a little stressed out this week, and you'll probably feel like forgetting your cares with some good friends before the week is through.
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Eating crow is never tasty, and you've never been especially good at it. But you may receive information today that will force you to take a great, big bite. Could be that a higher-up you were sure was plotting something against you from behind the scenes has really been doing just the opposite -- and not just working for you, but trying to be a guardian angel. Don't expose the secret just yet. Wait and see if they come to you first.
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That “grass is always greener” syndrome motivates you to seek stimulation through education and travel. But with Jupiter going retrograde, you don’t have to leave today. Why not use the extra time to plan a wonderful adventure? Maybe sail down the Nile on a gay cruise or ride the Orient Express to the end of the line.

Silent Frustration

My life today, yesterday and tomorrow is predominant in my thoughts. Finding balance, understanding and comfort in the day-to-day dance with life has been an enlightening experience. I enjoy waking up in the morning, and rest peacefully positioned in my bed at night. I never thought my strength had enough power to save me. Hearing kind words and positive guidance over the past years of my life have now awoken the powerful spirit inside of me.

Nearly five years ago, I stopped myself and realized I would need to follow a new path to develop the person living inside of me. My kind heart, and giving self always alive, heart pumping, but rested silently waiting.

Realizing I needed help along this journey was the first of many obstacles I have been challenged with in my life. Understanding the journey’s length, the largest. As a warm hug ended my final therapy session this past Monday, I smiled on my way home and reflected on her kind, generous and forever giving and understanding soul. Often I remind myself of the everlasting impression we leave on others, as them in return.

Now a new set of rules and paths open up at the tips of my toes. There is no “cured” and the same that the past has shown me, will forever pop its head in my life. I now choose when to remember, and when to move past. I now have the strength and power to overcome while never forgetting.

Inside this head of mine, there still will be moments of sadness, confusion, frustration, overreacting, but the paralyzing threat released. It is unnatural to live life constantly happy and focused, as it is equally as unhealthy to constantly see the down side, depressed in a corner.

Life is a balance of all emotions.

will I lose my wisdom, now that they are gone?

Yeah, I had em removed yesterday. I woke up, Tuesday morning the same as any other day. Went to the Dentist for my usual cleaning, and before I knew it I was being talked into having my wisdom teeth taken out. Right then and there. I, knowing I have to do it eventually looked back at him and said, fine take em out.

So now my mouth's population is down by two. My sore jaw is up by a bazillion though. I should have stayed home again today.

Rain, the mood magician

One of my largest hurdles in life is finding my positive, happy place when day after day the sun is out of sight, and moisture in what ever form takes over the day.

With it being winter, a colder/darker season, I am usually prepared for days and weeks like this. This morning, I struggled the entire walk to my car, the drive to work, and now sitting here at my desk. I am not sad in any way. I am not feeling any level of stress or anxiety. The rain, and darkness, all this gloom, makes me feel like I am.

It is now 8:50 AM est, and I plan to start my day over from here.

Does this weather play tricks on your mind too?

Drivers Wanted

The new Jetta's coming




I knew it was coming eventually, just didn't expect it this soon. I watched a news special on this the other night, and like a kid at Christmas, was glued to the tube. I will have to wait until they hit show room floors before I can really tell if I love or hate this radical change. I can say I am excited about the new 2.5L 150hp engine that is standard on all trim levels.

At first glance, to me it lacks the usual VW charm, but I have faith that it will proudly carry the VW symbol.

Take a closer look here

• VW America

• VW Deutschland

Let me know what you think