these conversations in my head

It is fantastic to hear you, and to have seen you over these past weeks, months...whatever. I can see the changes in you, and the way you listen to the world, and see what it offers you. The world is not terrible, and life does not suck. Too often, it is so easy to walk around, wishing for more, and being angry when our wishes do not come true. We all have the strength to survive, we have the power to do whatever it is that we want inside. Is that always easy? Shit no! I find that the things you really want, require the most sacrifice, and work. Nobody in this world is perfect, someone usually lacks where someone else excels...and that is where I try to learn the most. See where someone else is doing better, where you feel you can do better, and learn from that. Earlier in life I always thought, why me, why is this so hard, where are the directions to life, on how to live it. Each day that passes, we find that direction, even if it is in small spurts, and quick one-liners.

Lately, I have been lost, almost feeling pretty blank (not up or down) and that seems to leave me directionless. Knowing that this is no one person's fault but my own. I know that I have the power, and hold my self responsible for finding it. I lived many years in a narcissistic world, where my problems did not deserve that voice, hearing the "listen and see the misery of my life instead" routine. That has ultimately taught me a lot. Learned that in life, when feeling way down, or even way up. There may not be another living soul capable of hearing me, when I need to be heard. So I take that energy, and have learned how to better me. How that energy can add value to who I am as a citizen of this world.

It is amazing how that life, seems shorter than any of us realize. Last night, realizing it is already the second month of 2005, I aged another year a few short days ago. Didn't we just ring in the New Year? Didn't Santa just heave his sleigh off my roof? I find we focus far too much on tomorrow, and seem to forget today is even happening.