you can't deal with my infinate nature

you'll spy...
yes...
on me...
yes...
will you be spying on me in the bathroom...
yes...

When it totally seems all over the place, it really is not...I completely enjoyed this movie.

I heart huckabee's (A)

I am laughing right now, just thinking back..gotta love Lily Tomlin

softly, content

the body, this tired planet waiting for discovery. lying flat, back arched, chills racing from head to toe.

a few moments feel like a lifetime, a few seconds like centuries. this feeling, pulsating throughout every ounce of human flesh. these chills, longing for warmth, longing, that simple powerful touch.

the blood of many souls swirling around inside the fishbowl glass, images of you dancing within the deep red swirls. images so real, eyes closed tight, a firm grip on hope and it all comes alive inside this fantasy.

soaring high above this world, looking down at the small planet, gazing through the clouds. trying to find balance, while shuffling through the piles of memories inside this mind. thoughts overpowering so, words barely able to describe them. tilted head weeping, smiling, thinking of you.

pillow framing this smile, eyes closed in ecstasy, shivering with each moment, a pinch, reminders of reality. arms raised bellowing emotion toward the sky, reaching the clouds, all within hearing distance.

witty smirk, head twisted looking backwards, chin resting on this here shoulder.

softly, content.

oak tree

cigarette burning away in the ash-tray. head resting in my hands, decisions I never thought I would be faced with, weighing heavy on my mind.

music playing on the radio, decisions dancing inside my mind. i can't remember when I was this tired before in life. so tired, yet full of life.

even when you think there will be no surprise around the corner, one grabs hold of you, shakes you around and makes you take notice.

staring out the window, thinking, not sure about what. blue-eyes, you think too much, smirk plastered on my face. something this easy can't be real, something this hard, can't be this easy.

being a true believer in fate, my smirk falls and my eyes close tight. questioning why, how, if. Everything. i can't remember the last time. why do I question, when enjoying is easier. life is what it is, is it not?

seeing the jersey lights shine, the center of the world in the distance. life can expire today, tomorrow, minutes from now. thinking, questioning...useless when the box closes. i already have the answers, today i stop questioning them.

my smiles are real. because i am full of life. thank you oak tree, for the gentle, absolute reminders.

get out of me

Three days have passed, and I have stared at the same images. I am not completely certain what I am feeling, or why. I am not certain about anything, while completely frustrated.

I take on, and handle what I am capable of, thrive to be the best person, the most caring person I can be. I never seems to be enough for me.

Five days from now, it is believed that life will change for me. Frustrated, I can't handle how frustrated I am.

Knowing is not always the best feeling, being in the dark leaves you content, even in the most miserably possible situations. Unimpressive sleeps better at night.

Scratching my head thinking, sipping a beer left over from a recent celebration. These clothes are starting to wear on me, this song repeating over and over again in my head.

Feet covered, jeans wrapped around my legs, I feel a chill no blanket can warm. Sitting up startled, I smirk at myself in the mirror, the only one in this world filled with people. Everyone is out there, while loneliness breeds inside this world, a loneliness indescribable with words. Indescribable in every meaning of.

Running as fast as I can inside my head, sweat pouring from my brow, breathing heavy,heart racing no muscles exerted, while soreness overwhelms all.

Talking a lot of crap, making very little sense. Take a walk with me, I swear it will start to take form before your eyes. I am a living creature, fading in and out every second that passes.

I am a being, moments from now, looking back at the weirdness of my very own words.

did you know?

Remember the first time chills ran down your spine? Staring deep into the first meaningful sunset, hearing the first song you connect with. Seeing that person, seeing you. Extraordinary experiences never to be forgotten.

Remember the first time you felt life inside of yourself? The blood rushing through your veins, heart pounding inside your chest, sweat pour from your brow.

Staring down at my hands this very second, as I type these words. I don’t recognize myself. Each vein standing on end as my hands rush to keep up with my thoughts, hand resting on my chest, when did all these years go by, was I here for any of it?

I remember every day that passes, nearly, and remember all the faces and facts that I have learned. From walking to looking both ways before I walk. For the life of me, the minor every day tiny little invisible changes and experiences always seem to get lost in the middle.

I pour water on myself at least twice daily. I can’t ever figure out why I do it, and it always comes unexpected.

The excitement of a new band, c.d., or music-related item usually causes me to skip through it many times over and over again, before I realize how much I actually like it.

Once I fall in love with anything, be it a person, place, flavor, smell or object, my love for it continues and multiplies forever. I consider everyone I love, as my ever-growing family, and would drop just about anything to save or share a moment of uncontrollable laughter with.

Once I feel or am caused pain, I carry a part of it with me forever.

I learn a new word everyday.

I believe the world would be different if life and learning came easier. I believe pain with equal amounts of comfort make us whole. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.

I don’t cry often enough.

Even though mine are not Oscar worthy, I believe first impressions are the most important.

I believe you can see into someone’s sole by looking into their eyes. I believe you can feel a person, without ever touching them.

I will always be my worst critic.

I believe kissing is more erotic, than having sex.

I hate being misunderstood.

I love to smoke cigarettes.

Many years of my life, I believed that when I was alone, out of the sight of the rest of the world that the world stopped. I couldn’t understand other people’s lives going on, when I couldn’t see it with my own eyes.

Candy is my largest weakness.

I love to dance like no one is looking, and love it more when someone is, and you see that reassuring smile.

I love it when someone buys me flowers.

I believe in story-book endings.

these conversations in my head

It is fantastic to hear you, and to have seen you over these past weeks, months...whatever. I can see the changes in you, and the way you listen to the world, and see what it offers you. The world is not terrible, and life does not suck. Too often, it is so easy to walk around, wishing for more, and being angry when our wishes do not come true. We all have the strength to survive, we have the power to do whatever it is that we want inside. Is that always easy? Shit no! I find that the things you really want, require the most sacrifice, and work. Nobody in this world is perfect, someone usually lacks where someone else excels...and that is where I try to learn the most. See where someone else is doing better, where you feel you can do better, and learn from that. Earlier in life I always thought, why me, why is this so hard, where are the directions to life, on how to live it. Each day that passes, we find that direction, even if it is in small spurts, and quick one-liners.

Lately, I have been lost, almost feeling pretty blank (not up or down) and that seems to leave me directionless. Knowing that this is no one person's fault but my own. I know that I have the power, and hold my self responsible for finding it. I lived many years in a narcissistic world, where my problems did not deserve that voice, hearing the "listen and see the misery of my life instead" routine. That has ultimately taught me a lot. Learned that in life, when feeling way down, or even way up. There may not be another living soul capable of hearing me, when I need to be heard. So I take that energy, and have learned how to better me. How that energy can add value to who I am as a citizen of this world.

It is amazing how that life, seems shorter than any of us realize. Last night, realizing it is already the second month of 2005, I aged another year a few short days ago. Didn't we just ring in the New Year? Didn't Santa just heave his sleigh off my roof? I find we focus far too much on tomorrow, and seem to forget today is even happening.

eve to twenty-eight

Eyes closed, head bouncing, finding peace in this eve to twenty-eight.

Today, the first day in many where I am not looking towards the bed for salvation. Sipin’ some hot tea, finding salvation in me.

DG playing his thoughts, words floating through me. The guitar hits hard, lips lift up to a smirk. Having a good moment with me, drinking this damn tea.

A rhyme just this one time.

Many worlds before me, many in the nap-sack I carry around this planet. My memories laid out inside this album of photos, all laid out to perfection.

Index in time, this heart in me saves lives. The head planted on my shoulders, hiding what is mine, take the time to tour me sometime.

Siting back, hands planted on the sidewalk cement. Pulling that last drag from this cigarette. The world smells nice tonight, on this eve to twenty-eight. No stars in sight, but hey in me I still see em’ and they shine bright.

and we all fall down

However positive the world seems, and comfortable you are with yourself and that which surrounds you. There will always be moments of weakness.

The past few days, I have been feeling unstable, a little wobbly. I read a variety of horoscopes telling me the same thing, from different perspectives. Definitely positive words mixed with all the others. I relate, and feel like at any moment, it will all fall down.

Seriously though, so many different horoscopes

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The opposite of a fish out of water is an Aquarian in water -- and today it's sink or swim time. Let yourself float up in the clouds where the waters are denser than that and have fallen to earth. You don't have the luxury now of the airborne perspective you usually have. Instead, you are in survival mode as you stick your head out for a quick breath of fresh air before you sink back in for another lap.
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You may find yourself longing for some type of pleasant little escape. Some career issues might leave you feeling a little stressed out this week, and you'll probably feel like forgetting your cares with some good friends before the week is through.
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Eating crow is never tasty, and you've never been especially good at it. But you may receive information today that will force you to take a great, big bite. Could be that a higher-up you were sure was plotting something against you from behind the scenes has really been doing just the opposite -- and not just working for you, but trying to be a guardian angel. Don't expose the secret just yet. Wait and see if they come to you first.
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That “grass is always greener” syndrome motivates you to seek stimulation through education and travel. But with Jupiter going retrograde, you don’t have to leave today. Why not use the extra time to plan a wonderful adventure? Maybe sail down the Nile on a gay cruise or ride the Orient Express to the end of the line.

Silent Frustration

My life today, yesterday and tomorrow is predominant in my thoughts. Finding balance, understanding and comfort in the day-to-day dance with life has been an enlightening experience. I enjoy waking up in the morning, and rest peacefully positioned in my bed at night. I never thought my strength had enough power to save me. Hearing kind words and positive guidance over the past years of my life have now awoken the powerful spirit inside of me.

Nearly five years ago, I stopped myself and realized I would need to follow a new path to develop the person living inside of me. My kind heart, and giving self always alive, heart pumping, but rested silently waiting.

Realizing I needed help along this journey was the first of many obstacles I have been challenged with in my life. Understanding the journey’s length, the largest. As a warm hug ended my final therapy session this past Monday, I smiled on my way home and reflected on her kind, generous and forever giving and understanding soul. Often I remind myself of the everlasting impression we leave on others, as them in return.

Now a new set of rules and paths open up at the tips of my toes. There is no “cured” and the same that the past has shown me, will forever pop its head in my life. I now choose when to remember, and when to move past. I now have the strength and power to overcome while never forgetting.

Inside this head of mine, there still will be moments of sadness, confusion, frustration, overreacting, but the paralyzing threat released. It is unnatural to live life constantly happy and focused, as it is equally as unhealthy to constantly see the down side, depressed in a corner.

Life is a balance of all emotions.

will I lose my wisdom, now that they are gone?

Yeah, I had em removed yesterday. I woke up, Tuesday morning the same as any other day. Went to the Dentist for my usual cleaning, and before I knew it I was being talked into having my wisdom teeth taken out. Right then and there. I, knowing I have to do it eventually looked back at him and said, fine take em out.

So now my mouth's population is down by two. My sore jaw is up by a bazillion though. I should have stayed home again today.

Rain, the mood magician

One of my largest hurdles in life is finding my positive, happy place when day after day the sun is out of sight, and moisture in what ever form takes over the day.

With it being winter, a colder/darker season, I am usually prepared for days and weeks like this. This morning, I struggled the entire walk to my car, the drive to work, and now sitting here at my desk. I am not sad in any way. I am not feeling any level of stress or anxiety. The rain, and darkness, all this gloom, makes me feel like I am.

It is now 8:50 AM est, and I plan to start my day over from here.

Does this weather play tricks on your mind too?

Drivers Wanted

The new Jetta's coming




I knew it was coming eventually, just didn't expect it this soon. I watched a news special on this the other night, and like a kid at Christmas, was glued to the tube. I will have to wait until they hit show room floors before I can really tell if I love or hate this radical change. I can say I am excited about the new 2.5L 150hp engine that is standard on all trim levels.

At first glance, to me it lacks the usual VW charm, but I have faith that it will proudly carry the VW symbol.

Take a closer look here

• VW America

• VW Deutschland

Let me know what you think

Graduation Day

..here i sit, looking around my office, thinking about all the years that have passed. Fourty more work days left, and my place here will be history. Incredibly hard to believe, and at the same time, semi-refreshing.

For many, you left High School, and moved on to College. Either being sent away, or commuting locally. At the young age of nineteen, I didn't head off to further my education in school, I started out in the wonderful world of corporate america.

Nineteen years old, I was sitting in a mostly empty room with women old enough to be my mother. I learned quickly the complete operation of the department, and basically dove right into it. The years went on, and I moved from department to department, continuously learning more and more. Eight years and three months later, I am currently holding a Manager title and feel that my knowledge and opinion matter on some level. Now all the doors will close, and I will bring this knowlege and experience elsewhere.

For me, it is like Graduation Day. Not that there will be any balloons or tossed caps or gowns. Just that this place gave me security, knowledge, and the know how to work, and the confidence that I can be successful.

I have to be thankful for that.

Happy New Year

So it is 2005, I really cannot believe it. It was an enjoyable night surrounded by friends and positive energy.

I wish everyone a happy and healthy 2005.

New Year's resolution #1, stop reading things that are hurtful
New Year's resolution #2, remember to find the good in everything and everyone
New Year's resolution #3, smile, daily

salt & pepper

Which direction?

I find much enjoyment during the early morning. Slowly the world wakes up, stretches its limbs while semi-groggy, steps into “go mode”.

Where did I come from?

I am all the people, events, minds that have been within hearing distance from my ears. All the spicy food I have digested, all the beautiful landscapes, photographs, paintings and sunsets. I listen, I observe, more than anything else.

Ever wanted something so bad?

Constant reminders in my head, my own voice saying,”please, please, please” slowly increasing its intensity. Day after day, realizing it’s answer…. comfort, contentment, calm.

Have I always known what I wanted?

There was this young child realizing feelings and phrases with a complete lack of understanding them. “I am yellow, but what is yellow…?” Just like everyone else, the answers have always been inside my pocket, written neatly beside my heart.

What does air taste like?

To exhale while releasing everything inside, to live free of suffocation, and numbness. The taste is sweet, but a sweetness that will never be packaged, and sold at the market. The taste is…

Salt & Pepper?
Most everything I cook will have a sprinkle of salt and a few twists of pepper. They flavor our food, and heighten our taste buds. I sprinkle my words, my thoughts, into this world and hope to season life, like salt and pepper.

Garden State

One of the best movies I have seen all year, now on DVD.. For me, this is without a doubt a movie I need to add to my collection. Something that I can watch atleast once a year. It was such a great story, uplifting, sad, funny...heartwarming.

bread + cheese = happiness

Oh, the joy of sandwiches. They are a combination of all your favorites nestled neatly, or sometimes not so neatly, between two of your favorite slices of bread. You can really make anything a sandwich, only two requirements in my eyes are the bread, and without a doubt the cheese.

all the bells and whistles

My hands warm by gloves, body underneath my jacket. I listen to my surrounding, gently smiling.

I am thankful, for each and everyone in my life, thankful for all that have walked through my life. More than memories, life changing experiences.

Feet walking faster than my body, stumbling around the house, tripping over shoes and the little boy names Tobias. Helpful reminders to slow down, your strength is not of speed, rather patience and understanding. My armor made of butterflies and wild flowers growing on the roadside. A gentle boy, with the largest eyes, and an open mind and spirit, elephants could run through.

Thank you, I appreciate you, I am grateful for you…written on the cards I am writing inside my head. The message I am sending from my stare. Everything I say, hear, smell. Everything I am, because of the landscapes full of beautiful hearts blossoming. Dancing in the field, arms spread wide. I embrace all the hearts, minds and spirits that have held my hand through these days, weeks and years. Fulfilling, never overwhelming.

Head tilted back, the icy breath of winter sliding around my neck and down my back. I shiver, I smirk. Coldness seasonal, warmth everlasting. Shoulders back and head held high, I live inside this suit and found the mirror where I see it fits. My hands small, but capable of moving mountains and carrying worlds. My arms soft and gentle, yet strong and powerful. My legs long as I stand tall, yet short and mobile to dance, run, jump and fall. I am me, I am you, we share thoughts, happiness, sadness, and laughter with tears. I am me, and I am the world.

I don't want to play anymore

This world...seriously, what the F*ck!

I can't understand this world that we live in anymore. I don't understand being underhanded. I can't fathom walking all over people around me, to benefit myself. I look at everyone around me as an equal. I live a life being thankful for the idea of a world of free choices. I wish that meant something, other than people using it in a way that destroy's others.

There is so much paperwork, signatures, documentation. What are we anyway? A business deal, disposable useless products? Rejects?

I feel labeled not as gay, or as white, or as of Dutch decent. I feel labeled as simply another beating heart, basically useless to the world in which I have faith.

Sometimes, I struggle to understand the point in it. At times like this, I remember those I love, my passions, the small things that make me laugh and giggle. They are important to me, and I would not trade them for anything. I simply struggle, why love, laugh and giggle in a place it is never noticed.

I wonder, am I my own world. Do I have these laws, these documents, these rules inside of myself?

I wonder...will any of this make a difference in the end.

I hate complaining, I hate hurting, I hate, hating...but it seems that this world has taught me how to do all of these things better than anything else.

Forever, I will continue to make my small differences, I will continue to love unconditionally, I will continue to laugh uncontrollably, but I will never stop noticing everything else, and will always harbor a little disappointment for that.

Comments Fixed

It was frustrating me all weekend, but I managed to figure it out. Comment away!!!