/ful/

fool, /ful/(n): a weak-minded or idiotic person.
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Often I read the definitions to words I already completely know the meaning to. I believe to find further clarification. I usually read to far into it. I do that every so often. Sometimes I just want to see what is on the surface, as that which is deeper can cause unnecessary confusion.

I expressed this word to a friend earlier, in reference to myself. In knowing that being a fool, and being foolish can be different things. The root of it, the same regardless.

Perhaps I am not a fool, maybe I have been fooled. Irregardless, foolish is me.

twisted & tangled & terrified

so every so often I have that dream that I feel the need to share with all those that will listen...this is one of those times.

So last night, not unusual at all, I fell asleep on the couch watching TV. The show so not important, I could not even tell you what it was that I was watching. Off track, sorry. So I fall deep into a comfortable sleep tangled and twisted between pillows and my oversize sweatpants. My mind swimming...

I begin to climb this latter that to anyone would seem like forever while also there is something enjoyable about the climb. It is refreshing and frightening all at the same time. When I get to the top I am sitting in the smallest, yet tallest high-chair I have ever laid my eyes on. I sit and observe a man through the window. He tells me stories through photographs. He plays short excerpts of songs. He is the father of a very close friend of mine.

Our communication continues but no words are exchanged. As time passes I find myself slowly sliding down in the chair. Terrified, I realize if I try to pull myself up in the chair, it begins to violently rock and nearly tip over. I try, try and try again, but cannot pull myself back upright, now nearly sliding out of the seat of the chair.

Thousands of feet high up in the air, I am holding on for dear life with one hand, and waving for the man inside the room to take notice of my horrific situation. He waves and shows me a picture of a cloud, then a sunset. One single tear falls down my cheek as I consider letting go.

A powerful fear comes over me, and I decide trying and failing is better than throwing in the towel. I put both hands on the chairs arms and slowly and steadily as I can pull myself up into the chair, only as I pull myself up the chair begins to tip backward. I look forward and see the man waving goodbye to me. I reach out to him, then simply wave back.

Then I jump awake on the couch...twisted and tangled and terrified