Sitting here staring into this page has me puzzled. It has always been the easiest way for me to vent my thoughts and clear my head. Writing down just what I am thinking, in or out of order of event. Lately I find it hard to accomplish this. Lately I find it hard to do a lot of things. I try to present a fully aware and intact person to the outside world, while on the inside I am just plain dizzy. I argue with myself about the choices I have made in my life. I disagree with many choices, but have great thanks to many as well. Guess there is balance somewhere in all of that.
I often find myself sitting listening to the same song over and over again. I partially believe it has to do with my seeking the true meaning of the song, at least to me. The other part of me believes I know the meaning and enjoy being in that moment so much, I cant bear to move on from it. Sitting within this one song is a lot like being inside my mind, looking through my eyes and seeing the world. Sometimes the song is fast, sometimes its slow...and many times whether happy or sad my emotions get the best of me to turn out at least a tear or two.
Everywhere you go you hear about how fast life passes you by and how important each moment is. Never take for granted, live free of regret. Its surreal to think how when you live by these two rules, the painful sacrifice that comes along with it. Its not an easy task to put your ego aside, tail between your legs, heart wide open with all your bloody vulnerability out there for all to see. I guess you could say in turn the strength to do all of that is far greater than any other.
Here I am again, not completely sure where I was going with this. Just a random few paragraphs of my thoughts in case anyone out there was wondering what runs through my mind these days. I often think too much by some individuals standards, I can agree on the surface, but realize after further investigation I think just the right amount. If I thought less, I would do less, I would be less, I would care less. All things I dont want for myself. Fear, struggle, discomfort, moments of vivid freaking out. All for a reason...hopefully these reasons will become absolutely clear sooner than later.
Within all of my fear, confusion and gut wrenching screams there are also those moments of absolute peace. Moments of complete happiness, moments of a realness I often believed did not exist. Ive learned so much from simply living life and taking those important mental notes. Watching people travel through my life with their important messages. I read all the signs and forget nothing and no one. I carry very little hate for even the most hateful person that crosses my path and I carry eternal love for those with even whispers of good wishes. I embrace my friends with good thoughts and love within my thoughts even when they are at a physical distance (miles and miles across water and earth) I admire my family and all its unique quirkiness'. The strength within my sister, mother and grandmother will forever amaze me. I adore my boyfriend, in my mind he is the most genuine wholehearted person I have ever shared my heart with. Within all of this I find everything I need to smile when I wake in the morning, laugh when something is funny and see the beauty in things people normally overlook.
With that, I am off
