All I Really Want Is...

It's somewhat of a joke amongst close friends of mine...I claim to be relatively patient, and they all...well they all laugh at me. I realize my day to day actions make me appear somewhat "impatient", when really I guess in many senses I am being impatient at the moment. I don't believe I am an impatient person by nature, rather my natural surroundings have made me this person lacking patience.

I look at this cabin and think about "what I really want in this life". I think about waking with the new day and drifting off in my mans arms. I think about wandering about and finding where I need to be that day as I enter it. Swinging beside a lake surrounded by the sunset. I dream of my cabin of peace, the place where tradition will be born.

Many things in my life have been absent for so long, that now the longing has created this impatient person masking who hides underneath. I discuss in my weekly Monday discussions how this cabin is nothing more than a metaphor for what I seek to have spiritually. Now, even though I agree greatly, I still believe this fantasy is more than simply a thought or idea living inside my subconscious. I believe it is who I am.

People often believe they have an idea of who this boy Bryan is. I come in many shades, and often adapt to my surroundings. In Bryan's reality, I am a simple boy, with one simple wish. Since as long as I can remember, this reality is all I need to live life in, an overwhelming yet satisfying world surrounded with peace and happiness.

Do I want to work in the fashion world, do I see myself working in a fast paced world that relies on this ever changing world of technology? I answer this question within my arguments with myself often. I answer, of course I do...then pleed...why can't I have both?

I recently found a man that makes me smile at the thought of him. He frustrates me with his differences. He confuses me with his way of accomplishing things in life. These things only make me strive faster and stronger toward him, as his differences intrigue me, they satisfy me and most of all, they make me appreciate and adore him more and more each moment I live and breathe on this earth.

Life is a funny journey... My frustration and confusion with it, make me love it more and more. Curiosity feeding my hope and faith each second, I nolonger can keep track.

So..for those wondering..All I really want is this...some claim I am dramatic, I claim I am simply quite passionate...All I really want is this here, that I just spoke about.

Brokeback Mountain

So, I'm not going to say too much now, as I don't want to give too much away before others go and see it, but I must say....everyone, most definitely, should go and see it.

So...what are you waiting for...GO...NOW!!!

Cut~Color~Style

Today was a different day in the my world which is Cosmetology School. Finally reached into my creative side and produced something I am quite proud of. There have been several moments, the Artistic "Runway" Show, and various other styles I never captured on camera, but today I stood back and actually felt an overwhelming feeling of 'proud' with the work that I did. The color came out just as I had formulated, the cut, in my opinion, flawless. Then I was standing there and thought I could just dry her hair and be done with it. This time I decided to put my creative efforts to work, and style with my free time. I don't believe the photos do any justice to the feeling I had when I finished and stepped back from it all...but here they are.

Let me know what you think :)

Santa Hair

A little fun this Holiday Season...Innocently stopping by a bar for some warmth and a beer or a few, turned into a bar filled with Santa's and a voyage around the city "Wearin' the Santa Hair"...Definitely a good time, especially when you get strangers to take part in wearin the hair. Proves the point that with a little push, you can get people to do anything...

Happy Holidays to All !!!

Buddhist Inspiration

~Buddhist Monks Laos~

"The Secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, nor to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly."

~Shakyamuni Buddha

What you think upon grows...

Inside this Blue eye of mine

"Does anything change in the sky when we understand that there is no Big Dipper?"
-John Goldstein

The continuation of my life, follows through thoughts such as that quoted above. Can we believe in that we cannot touch, see, smell or hear. Often I find my thoughts tangled in the idea that yes, of course they can. I still have moments of disbelief, regardless.

Reflecting on the years of my life, a series of thoughts occur. Following down paths lined in hope and faith, my curiosity is awoke by the idea that inside this path, have I any proof or understanding to continue to feed this hope? Strength and courage only pursue so far, when solidity is absent.

I am sitting on my cushion, taking the five minutes of time. Running fiercely away inside my head, visioning it with eyes closed tight. I merely blinked one eye, with a simple lift in the corner of my mouth.

Six Forty Five

rainy saturday
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

Six forty five on a Saturday morning. I guess the early to rise all week as bled into my weekend. Usually I can hold onto the dream world much longer and sleep through the rise of the sun, and awake after life has already began its routine.

This fine morning I laid in bed, listened as the rain fell and random cars passed. Few birds chirping outside my window, making Tobias at full alert. My body completely comfortable, my brain semi restless. Powerless over the process, I gave in, and slid out from under the covers.

Complete darkness, with the exception of the screen at which I stare. I contemplate which direction my day of freedom will take me. I embrace the endless options, while feel satisfied if they all were to be left unfulfilled.

Reading over my words from a moment ago, I see how my tired eyes and sleeping thoughts make little sense. It has been some times since I have released a random thought, I figure what a better time than now.

Smelling the coffee brew in the other room, I find comfort and peace. There really is nothing like sitting at home, rainy day...drinking coffee...talking random crap on a blog that no one reads.

If you ever find yourself awake, while the rest of the world sleeps...I say embrace it...alot goes on, when we think no one is looking....poor guy outside just lost his umbrella to a gust of wind, and I bet he thought no one saw it happen...but I did, and he will never know.

Five Minutes

Stop, sit down and take five minutes. This seems to be something most of us find nearly impossible to do in life. Constantly struggling to get where we want to be, fulfilling what we need to make us happy, seeking an impossible level of satisfaction.

I struggle in understanding this, just the same as probably most of the population of the living and breathing. Most of the situations we find confusion with can be solved by simply stop trying to reach resolution. Understanding and accepting, without reservation or expectation.

It is often the obvious that we stand blind to in darkness. Why should we have to practice something, when it’s point is blatant? Dismissing that what we believe we understand continuously, rather that viewing its power and allowing its assisting compassion and reality to bring a moment of peace. I live guilty of this and consciously seek the alternate route it will prove to open up to my life as well as the life of all those I come into contact with.

At first when posed with this Five Minutes of sitting down still, free of any movement I thought this is quite simple, and anyone can do it. Within the first forty-five seconds my mind began to tell me to move to simply find a more comfortable position. I fought this urge while silently contemplating how hard it really is to take these simple Five Minutes out of my life to help find endless amounts of peace.

The plain reality being, Five Minutes is no longer that Five Seconds. It will cost you nothing.

Eighteenth, September, Two Thousand Five

Summer Sky, 2005

The secret of beginning a life of deep awareness and sensitivity lies in our willingness to pay attention. Our growth as concious, awake human beings is marked not so much by grand gestures and visible renuciations as by extending loving attention to the minuest particulars of our lives. Every relationship, every though, every gesture is blessed with meaning through the wholehearted attention we bring to it.

In the complexities of our minds and lives we easily forget the power of attention, yet without attention we live only on the surface of existance. It is just simple attention that allows us truly to listen to the song bird, to see deeply the glory of an autumn leaf, to touch the heart of another and be touched. We need to be fully present in order to love a single thing wholeheartedly. We need to be fully awake in this moment if we are to receive and respond to the learning inherent in it.

Bodyless Monsters

Sam II w/Sunglasses
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

Sam II back in action

So...here is a first look at what we have to work with all day at school. This is poor representation of the style, as I started to brush it out before I thought of this neat idea...anywhoo...isn't she fabu in her shades...

Narrow Path

narrow path
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

The lyrics to this song could not be any more "perfect".

For so many days of my life I feel I have been seeking perfection, whether with appearance, communication, love, happiness or sadness. I have found perfect moments, but never this idea of perfection. I now believe perfection lives inside of all these imperfections we hide, feel shame for and lock-up and throw away the key.

The wind blows to achieve balance on earth, lately the wind in my life has been a hurricane of feelings. Leaving me in a state of awareness and devistation. For far too many hours I have lost strength hoping to save my world alone, I have realized I too, need help along this journey. Stopping in my tracks and asking, has been the most worth while lesson I have learned yet. What does tomorrow have in store? I wait with open arms, and an even more open mind.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Fix You, Coldplay

Deb's Do...DONE

So week one is over...leaving a mere 1,176 more hours left of learning the craft of cosmetology.

Tonight, I think Deb (mannequin head 1) is going out on the town with her teased out, brady bunch looking', stylin' doo.




****disclaimer feel free to send cash****

It's because...

ever notice things you do in life, later seem to have reason.
sitting back in a lounge chair, pondering over events from the past
I often find myself in this situation.

last night I had quite a long conversation about this, all the while I was sitting in my chair taking mental note after mental note. "even the mistakes we make have purpose"
later last night I compared different heartache and pain, to that I have lived, and saw minor similarities, as well as major ones.

Life.

I feel sorrow that things in my life could not have taken a different path. I can definitely say I, until recently with school, have not planned much of my life, if any of it at all. I just let it happen, with all my hope and faith in one basket. The past four years taught me some of the most valuable lessons about that basket. In so many aspects, I would have done all the same things, in others, I would have done the complete opposite. Overall. I still can see inside of everything, and always find peace.

I find it never productive to react in the heat of any moment, but we often do, regardless. I stop and think, my father being one of the biggest sons of bitches that walks the earth, and still he gave me the best gift of all. Even in hurt, there is love.

It's all because of love.

xo

Lessons

Then

You taught me the road of deception
You taught me to say one thing, while meaning another
Your legacy was built on years of lies before I met you
A short period of my life I followed suit.
You taught me I had to do this to see you
You taught me it was ok
You taught me things, I realize, I never wanted to learn

Now

You teach others lies you have made up about me
You teach others with your half truths and your mixed messages
You teach others, while you are completly unqualified to teach lessons of the heart or the mind.

------

I've learned trust is earned, and some friends wear masks
I've learned I never knew people I loved with my whole heart
I've learned you are no better than I (which applies to everyone on this great earth)
I've learned to forgive, rather than to hate
I've learned, and live free of regret
I've learned maturity is something realized, rather than something you "grow into"
I've learned to take a deep breathe before getting upset
I've learned to hear people out, because I realize some messages are hard to get across
I've learned some people will never stop trying to you hurt you, but realize my strength is three times the size of their hate.
I've learned from my mistakes, and hope others can learn this too

Listen

Sia~Breathe Me

VHI Wedding~Take One~

VHI Wedding 3
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

So some of you know, Scott had asked me to assist on this larger project.

A VHI special, where this lucky couple is getting the wedding of their dreams basically. As much money on flowers as many people spend on a small starter home ( that's a lot).

Here is a view of the garland Scott and I made this evening...breath taking, isn't it?

Let me know what you think...

(click the photo to see more of the beauty on flickr)

View

View
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

There are many gifts we give in life to those we hold dear to us. Material object, sometimes with depth, and others just to make others giggle a little.

In my life, I have given many of those types of gifts, both of depth and humor.

Recently I have discovered that some find the gifts I have given with depth and sentiment are merely to them, humorous. They find an emotional past, laughable. Looking at those souls, I find a few tears, and hope one day they find their way.

I my opinion, it can take a lifetime to get to know someone, and you may never truly know who they are. In my case, a few people have taken the voyage, and in their cases, I see them, and they see me. In other cases, people have said they could see me, when really they were not even looking in my direction. Some could say it was all a waste of time. I say, no time wasted, merely a lesson learned.

My life has been anything but easy, but in my time, at what I would say a young age, have come out of a lot of darkness, and faught for what is right in the world. I have made mistakes, and tripped over a few potholes, but never attacked maliciously. I hate no one in this world, even those that hate me purely.

So I sit back, I take in the view and realize my success in life, and see nothing but more to come in the future. I sometimes look over my shoulder and wonder, what if, could I, should I, did I...and I then turn back and realize...yes I did.

Six Feet Under

Tears
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

Last nights episode was truly the saddest episode of any show, I have ever seen...

Who was I just then?

Tobias with Pride
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

The past 6 months have taught me a lot about life. Hearing about death, and birth. I stop and realize, the period between has depth, with an ever shortening length. I don't fear death or even think about it too often, simply I realize the process. Surviving from A to B, usually effortless, its the hurdles that slow us down. I believe we choose the size of each hurdle.

Each day I remind myself of this, and each day from this I have learned the thought is far greater than the challange.

Peace and Love to All
b

super fun new sneakers

new sneaks
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

The simplest things make me smile...

don't you love them?

Tired Tobias

Tired Tobias
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

Sleepy Kitty.... (photo taken at 4am, when I was for whatever reason, wide awake)

Seems like he is always sleepy when I am wide awake..and the opposite, when I am tired...perhaps it is a plan to defeat me..

dedicated to dd

Dedicated_to_DD
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

when i look at this picture, i see

a patient boy
an understanding man
a giving person
a happy soul
a guy wearing all black
a silver Audi
an orange flag
blooming plants
expired meters
cigarette butts
a dirty tissue

seems i have gone off the topic at hand...anyways..

Happy Birthday DD

Happy 4th

RayBryJen
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

Picture it, LBI, July 4th, 2005...beautiful

So this July 4th, I headed down to LBI with The Norton Crew, and had quite the relaxing weekend, relaxed by the pool, walked on the beach, and partied like a rock star. It was most definitely what I needed after spending two weeks inside my house, nursing myself back to health.

Here is one photo of many...we tried something different this weekend, all taking pictures, there is an entire photo session of the whole weekend capturing it from beginning to end...Catch it on DVD this fall....

Brought the fantastic weekend to a close with Erin, Bridget and Miko up on the roof watching the loudest fireworks I have ever heard...roof top here on Chestnut Street. All in all, the weekend could not have been any better...

xo

Spain Legalizes Same-Sex Marriages

Jun 30, 6:38 AM (ET)

By MAR ROMAN

MADRID, Spain (AP) - Parliament legalized gay marriage Thursday, defying conservatives and clergy who opposed making traditionally Roman Catholic Spain the third country to allow same-sex unions nationwide. Jubilant gay activists blew kisses to lawmakers after the vote.
The measure passed the 350-seat Congress of Deputies by a vote of 187 to 147. The bill, part of the ruling Socialists' aggressive agenda for social reform, also lets gay couples adopt children and inherit each others' property.
The bill is now law. The Senate, where conservatives hold the largest number of seats, rejected the bill last week. But it is an advisory body and final say on legislation rests with the Congress of Deputies.
After the final tally was announced, gay and lesbian activists watching from the spectator section of the ornate chamber cried, cheered, hugged, waved to lawmakers and blew them kisses.

Several members of the conservative opposition Popular Party, which was vehemently opposed to the bill, shouted: "This is a disgrace." Those in favor stood and clapped.
The Netherlands and Belgium are the only other two countries that allow gay marriage nationwide. Canada's House of Commons passed legislation Tuesday that would legalize gay marriage; its Senate is expected to pass the bill into law by the end of July.
Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero noted this in debate before the vote.
"We were not the first, but I am sure we will not be the last. After us will come many other countries, driven, ladies and gentlemen, by two unstoppable forces: freedom and equality," he told the chamber.
Zapatero said the reform of Spanish legal code simply adds one dry paragraph of legalese but means much more.

He called it "a small change in wording that means an immense change in the lives of thousands of citizens. We are not legislating, ladies and gentlemen, for remote unknown people. We are expanding opportunities for the happiness of our neighbors, our work colleagues, our friends, our relatives."
Zapatero lacks a majority in the chamber but got help from small regional-based parties that tend to be his allies.
Spanish gay couples can get married as soon as the law is published in the official government registry. This could come as early as Friday, or within two weeks at the latest, parliament's press office said.
Popular Party leader Mariano Rajoy said after the vote that Zapatero has deeply divided Spain and should have sought a consensus in parliament that recognized same-sex unions but didn't call them marriage. Rajor said that if the vast majority of countries in the world don't accept gay marriage, including some run by Socialists, there must be a reason.
"I think the prime minister has committed a grave act of irresponsibility," Rajor told reporters.

Beatriz Gimeno, a longtime leader of the gay rights movement in Spain, held back tears as she hugged her partner Boti after the vote.
"It is a historic day for the world's homosexuals. We have been fighting for many years," Gimeno said. "Now comes the hardest part, which is changing society's mentality."
The gay marriage bill was the boldest and most divisive initiative of the liberal social agenda Zapatero has embarked on since taking office in April 2004. Parliament overhauled Spain's 25-year-old divorce law on Wednesday, also irking the church, by letting couples end their marriage without a mandatory separation or having to state a reason for the split-up, as required under the old law.
He has also pushed through legislation allowing stem-cell research and wants to loosen Spain's restrictive abortion law.
The Roman Catholic Church, which held much sway over the government just a generation ago when Gen. Francisco Franco was in power, had adamantly opposed gay marriage. In its first display of anti-government activism in 20 years, it endorsed a June 18 rally in which hundreds of thousands marched through Madrid in opposition to the bill. Some 20 bishops took part in the June 18 rally.
On Wednesday, a Catholic lay group called the Spanish Family Forum presented lawmakers with a petition bearing 600,000 signatures as a last-minute protest.
Late last year, the spokesman for the Spanish Bishops Conference, Antonio Martinez Camino said that allowing gay marriage was like "imposing a virus on society - something false that will have negative consequences for social life."
Despite the street protests in Madrid and elsewhere and the petition drive, polls suggest Spaniards supported gay marriage.
A survey released in May by pollster Instituto Opina said 62 percent of Spaniards support the government's action on this issue, and 30 percent oppose it. The poll had a margin of error of 3 percentage points. But surveys show Spaniards about evenly split over whether gay couples should be allowed to adopt children.

Imaginary Tears

Why?

Woke up that morning, refreshed head, revived soul...newborn mind. That day it began, yesterday it end.

The air smells sweet and beautiful, the ground feels solid, and quite secure.

Rain falls full of sound and measure. Each day, seemlessly blended to one.

Eyes close slowly, images of yesterday and tomorrow race in vivid color again tainting the newborn mind. Memories mixed with images of years down the road.

Say hello, wave goodbye on my mind. No matter how sure, uncertainty always, overpowering. Good lessons, mixed with bad, drowing.

I love you, you big GAY boy's & girl's!

Happy Pride Everyone

In Spirit, I am proud everyday...of who I see in the mirror, as well as all those faces I see either in person or in my head each day...

Cheers to another year of strength, happiness, and being who you are inside...no matter what

I have so much love for you all

June may be Pride Month, try to remember to show me your Pride during the 11 other months of the year..

xo

Bryan Thumbs Up

Bryan Thumbs Up
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

Here I sit, day in and out...no connection with the outside world, watching the world go by through my TV set.

It is amazing how your life, mood, everything can be altered when you are in an ill state. I wish it were just the flu, I wish the end of this suffering had a date. I wish I could go outside and play.

Until then I carry my ppositive attitude around in my back pocket. Hopefully I will soon be at the very least 87 percent.

(did I mention how sad I am that I am missing out on pride weekend in NYC...i complain about that atleast every 4 to 5 seconds....)

Bryan van

Bryan van
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

i wish that everyone could see me at that moment of "when no one is looking"

life is crazy like that when we walk and talk slightly different, with all those we encounter in life. You know you have those true friends when you can simply be, who you are, nevertheless, as if no one is looking.

I love the moments in life when I realize I am with those in my life when I can just be Bryan...I smile before, during and after, and I love it.

life is that amusement park ride that we pay for, only, not with money, rather experiences. We learn in happiness, and sadness. We learn with pain, and heartache, joy and overwhelming love. The price, balanced, inbetween.

smile with your tears

love you all, definitely mean it..!

See what I did

Winder4
Originally uploaded by bfreedmb.

So, since i have been unemployed, I found a new way to keep myself busy. I have been working at The Flower Zone in lovely Westfield, NJ

www.theflowerzone.net

So I wanted to share with everyone a lovely creation by Bryan. This is the window that I designed for "Prom2005" From the dress to the feathers, i did it all, with the brain that my momma gave me. This is a shot from inside the shop, i had troubles taking one from outside, as this place gets a lot of sun.

Isn't it wonderous...?

Tell me what you think

ciao

Monday Night, Babble

lately it seems, i have little to say
eventhough, the thoughts continue to swirl inside my head
confusion shaken, not stired, within each beautiful day
every night while I lay peacefully awake in my bed
i plan out the future, while i think about the past
opportunites at my fingertips
the life soon to be lived, with days rushing by so fast
everything, resting on my lips

i am so tired, but i forget often about just how tired i am. i keep living day to day, smiles natural, happiness enveloping. i am not in a low state, i dont feel depressed in the least. more so, i feel like i dont know what is going on. i dont do, think, or live remotly the way i did for the past 10 plus years, and it feels off, weird. tonight, sitting here enjoying a glass of merlot i wonder...first, why am i drinking merlot, but more importantly, how will i function when i get back in the fast lane. then i lean back in my chair and think, will i ever get back in the fast lane? i am living and surviving, the most important thing i have worried and thought about my entire life, yet i question. is it normal that i feel so alive, when i am not meeting any of the standardized guidelines for "life" as out elders see, and as youth is taught? i love life more so now, than ever...twenty-eight years old, and there is little i wish more for than what i have. hard to think, it is the opposite of what i thought i needed to be "whole".

today i went for my admissions meeting at The Artistic Academy...completed the paperwork, and now i truly belive this is going to happen for me. my eyes get a little teary when i think...years past and i have dreamt of tonight, funnier yet, it feels so wonderful, it feels like i am dreaming....

good night y'all

delayed reaction!

upset, overtired, angry, pissy, hurt

more than five years ago, i walked the streets with a frown. a confused boy with a broked heart. the first man i loved walked away. obviously, i recovered. i, being the niave person that i guess i am, eventhough the relationship was over, reflected fondly of the memories of first finding someone in this world that could love me. i reflected with nothing but fondness.

stupid, betrayed, unloved

these some five years later, after some number of conversations, i find out that this faithful, pure love i felt was neither pure nor faithful. talk about a delayed reaction. i simply feel like a fool. i guestion, how can something like this bring me down. something that happened many moons ago. why did i cry those four tears this morning while staring in the mirror?

i guess only one man ever truly loved me. and to that, i say thank you.

feeling insecure

does anyone read this blog...does not seem as though

....

hearts suck

sitting, listening around the room...nothing but silence
eyes closed tight, deep inside the silence the music starts
streems of tears crashing
mouth open, singing

"im gone and your still there"

months of weight crashing down
legs standing strong, the rain gushing down
i won't ever flintch

a tearful, unfortunate good bye oak tree

happiness or household cleaning tool

So, today I went to get a pedicure at the spa/nail salon by my house. It was a beautiful day, and a great way to bring the day to a close. The girl that does my pedicure always has silly things to talk about, as today she offered me a full leg waxing. Needless to say, I passed. We shared a few giggles, and so went my feet scrubbing and such.

Later on, I waited for Rachel's "after sex" nail polish to dry, and the women offered Rachel and I a pair of HOT PINK rubber gloves. She giggles as she gives them to me, thinking it would make me feel awkward, then procedes to tell me " Give them to your Mother, so your Father can be Happy".

Moments later, walking down the street to my house, i giggled a bit thinking, if only life were that easy.

AIDS WALK NY, 2005 - May 15, 2005

This will be the 5th year that I will be walking and raising money for the help to fight Aids. Please help me, help others

...click the mail box above to make a donation.

After the walk, I will post some photos to show just how handsome I look walking the walk with thousands of others...

xo

i wish

i wish controlling thoughts and feelings came easily
i wish questioning was unknown to me
i wish my foundation was a sound as I sell it to be
i wish i could take my own advice
i wish my head could make a decision without my heart
i wish people saw me like want them to
i wish my cat could clean his own litter box
i wish i could sing, and people would take notice
i wish happiness for all those that cross my path
i wish for things i believe are impossible, i wish my faith was stronger
i wish I believed in the overwhelming hope that lives inside of me
i wish smoking was neither good or bad for you
i wish fear was taught to us as a positive thing
i wish for you oak tree

objective friend

days of dreams answered
questions now rising like the sun into the sky
rationalizing these thoughts, every moment that has passed, amazing
the lights seen through my eyes speak truths, ten fold
sunglasses to hide behind, eventhough transparent
my invisible tears cried real, deep inside the darkness
warmth, flowing down my back
my feelings, real with life
looking up at you I see, these feeling developing, growing like a tree
......
i remember the first time, every word you spoke
i know where I stand, now my feeling awoke
numb arms, legs, glassy eyes
time to tell you, this boy cries
i hear your voice, your point seems clear
looking inside my heart, these feelings through tears
i stop, stand still, remind my time and place
it's hard to stop, stand back, while floating through space
i will look at you, you will know what I feel
nothing to question, nothing more real

"Cannonball" - Damien Rice-O

sometimes, you can't put your feelings into words, but someone else can...

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

white linen sheets

unimaginable, the energy that surrounds
laying back, silent in this dream, the strength of one multiplying
the soft cushion, comforting
your warmth, enveloping
a whirl-wind inside my chest, tight then smooth
dizzying, then settling
unexplainable, ten minutes that passed, numb, smiles, shivers, you
can you see, are you looking there
night moves forward, time stands still
refusing to blink while staring inside
i see your soul
i taste the air that surrounds you

you can't deal with my infinate nature

you'll spy...
yes...
on me...
yes...
will you be spying on me in the bathroom...
yes...

When it totally seems all over the place, it really is not...I completely enjoyed this movie.

I heart huckabee's (A)

I am laughing right now, just thinking back..gotta love Lily Tomlin

softly, content

the body, this tired planet waiting for discovery. lying flat, back arched, chills racing from head to toe.

a few moments feel like a lifetime, a few seconds like centuries. this feeling, pulsating throughout every ounce of human flesh. these chills, longing for warmth, longing, that simple powerful touch.

the blood of many souls swirling around inside the fishbowl glass, images of you dancing within the deep red swirls. images so real, eyes closed tight, a firm grip on hope and it all comes alive inside this fantasy.

soaring high above this world, looking down at the small planet, gazing through the clouds. trying to find balance, while shuffling through the piles of memories inside this mind. thoughts overpowering so, words barely able to describe them. tilted head weeping, smiling, thinking of you.

pillow framing this smile, eyes closed in ecstasy, shivering with each moment, a pinch, reminders of reality. arms raised bellowing emotion toward the sky, reaching the clouds, all within hearing distance.

witty smirk, head twisted looking backwards, chin resting on this here shoulder.

softly, content.

oak tree

cigarette burning away in the ash-tray. head resting in my hands, decisions I never thought I would be faced with, weighing heavy on my mind.

music playing on the radio, decisions dancing inside my mind. i can't remember when I was this tired before in life. so tired, yet full of life.

even when you think there will be no surprise around the corner, one grabs hold of you, shakes you around and makes you take notice.

staring out the window, thinking, not sure about what. blue-eyes, you think too much, smirk plastered on my face. something this easy can't be real, something this hard, can't be this easy.

being a true believer in fate, my smirk falls and my eyes close tight. questioning why, how, if. Everything. i can't remember the last time. why do I question, when enjoying is easier. life is what it is, is it not?

seeing the jersey lights shine, the center of the world in the distance. life can expire today, tomorrow, minutes from now. thinking, questioning...useless when the box closes. i already have the answers, today i stop questioning them.

my smiles are real. because i am full of life. thank you oak tree, for the gentle, absolute reminders.

get out of me

Three days have passed, and I have stared at the same images. I am not completely certain what I am feeling, or why. I am not certain about anything, while completely frustrated.

I take on, and handle what I am capable of, thrive to be the best person, the most caring person I can be. I never seems to be enough for me.

Five days from now, it is believed that life will change for me. Frustrated, I can't handle how frustrated I am.

Knowing is not always the best feeling, being in the dark leaves you content, even in the most miserably possible situations. Unimpressive sleeps better at night.

Scratching my head thinking, sipping a beer left over from a recent celebration. These clothes are starting to wear on me, this song repeating over and over again in my head.

Feet covered, jeans wrapped around my legs, I feel a chill no blanket can warm. Sitting up startled, I smirk at myself in the mirror, the only one in this world filled with people. Everyone is out there, while loneliness breeds inside this world, a loneliness indescribable with words. Indescribable in every meaning of.

Running as fast as I can inside my head, sweat pouring from my brow, breathing heavy,heart racing no muscles exerted, while soreness overwhelms all.

Talking a lot of crap, making very little sense. Take a walk with me, I swear it will start to take form before your eyes. I am a living creature, fading in and out every second that passes.

I am a being, moments from now, looking back at the weirdness of my very own words.

did you know?

Remember the first time chills ran down your spine? Staring deep into the first meaningful sunset, hearing the first song you connect with. Seeing that person, seeing you. Extraordinary experiences never to be forgotten.

Remember the first time you felt life inside of yourself? The blood rushing through your veins, heart pounding inside your chest, sweat pour from your brow.

Staring down at my hands this very second, as I type these words. I don’t recognize myself. Each vein standing on end as my hands rush to keep up with my thoughts, hand resting on my chest, when did all these years go by, was I here for any of it?

I remember every day that passes, nearly, and remember all the faces and facts that I have learned. From walking to looking both ways before I walk. For the life of me, the minor every day tiny little invisible changes and experiences always seem to get lost in the middle.

I pour water on myself at least twice daily. I can’t ever figure out why I do it, and it always comes unexpected.

The excitement of a new band, c.d., or music-related item usually causes me to skip through it many times over and over again, before I realize how much I actually like it.

Once I fall in love with anything, be it a person, place, flavor, smell or object, my love for it continues and multiplies forever. I consider everyone I love, as my ever-growing family, and would drop just about anything to save or share a moment of uncontrollable laughter with.

Once I feel or am caused pain, I carry a part of it with me forever.

I learn a new word everyday.

I believe the world would be different if life and learning came easier. I believe pain with equal amounts of comfort make us whole. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.

I don’t cry often enough.

Even though mine are not Oscar worthy, I believe first impressions are the most important.

I believe you can see into someone’s sole by looking into their eyes. I believe you can feel a person, without ever touching them.

I will always be my worst critic.

I believe kissing is more erotic, than having sex.

I hate being misunderstood.

I love to smoke cigarettes.

Many years of my life, I believed that when I was alone, out of the sight of the rest of the world that the world stopped. I couldn’t understand other people’s lives going on, when I couldn’t see it with my own eyes.

Candy is my largest weakness.

I love to dance like no one is looking, and love it more when someone is, and you see that reassuring smile.

I love it when someone buys me flowers.

I believe in story-book endings.

these conversations in my head

It is fantastic to hear you, and to have seen you over these past weeks, months...whatever. I can see the changes in you, and the way you listen to the world, and see what it offers you. The world is not terrible, and life does not suck. Too often, it is so easy to walk around, wishing for more, and being angry when our wishes do not come true. We all have the strength to survive, we have the power to do whatever it is that we want inside. Is that always easy? Shit no! I find that the things you really want, require the most sacrifice, and work. Nobody in this world is perfect, someone usually lacks where someone else excels...and that is where I try to learn the most. See where someone else is doing better, where you feel you can do better, and learn from that. Earlier in life I always thought, why me, why is this so hard, where are the directions to life, on how to live it. Each day that passes, we find that direction, even if it is in small spurts, and quick one-liners.

Lately, I have been lost, almost feeling pretty blank (not up or down) and that seems to leave me directionless. Knowing that this is no one person's fault but my own. I know that I have the power, and hold my self responsible for finding it. I lived many years in a narcissistic world, where my problems did not deserve that voice, hearing the "listen and see the misery of my life instead" routine. That has ultimately taught me a lot. Learned that in life, when feeling way down, or even way up. There may not be another living soul capable of hearing me, when I need to be heard. So I take that energy, and have learned how to better me. How that energy can add value to who I am as a citizen of this world.

It is amazing how that life, seems shorter than any of us realize. Last night, realizing it is already the second month of 2005, I aged another year a few short days ago. Didn't we just ring in the New Year? Didn't Santa just heave his sleigh off my roof? I find we focus far too much on tomorrow, and seem to forget today is even happening.

eve to twenty-eight

Eyes closed, head bouncing, finding peace in this eve to twenty-eight.

Today, the first day in many where I am not looking towards the bed for salvation. Sipin’ some hot tea, finding salvation in me.

DG playing his thoughts, words floating through me. The guitar hits hard, lips lift up to a smirk. Having a good moment with me, drinking this damn tea.

A rhyme just this one time.

Many worlds before me, many in the nap-sack I carry around this planet. My memories laid out inside this album of photos, all laid out to perfection.

Index in time, this heart in me saves lives. The head planted on my shoulders, hiding what is mine, take the time to tour me sometime.

Siting back, hands planted on the sidewalk cement. Pulling that last drag from this cigarette. The world smells nice tonight, on this eve to twenty-eight. No stars in sight, but hey in me I still see em’ and they shine bright.

and we all fall down

However positive the world seems, and comfortable you are with yourself and that which surrounds you. There will always be moments of weakness.

The past few days, I have been feeling unstable, a little wobbly. I read a variety of horoscopes telling me the same thing, from different perspectives. Definitely positive words mixed with all the others. I relate, and feel like at any moment, it will all fall down.

Seriously though, so many different horoscopes

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The opposite of a fish out of water is an Aquarian in water -- and today it's sink or swim time. Let yourself float up in the clouds where the waters are denser than that and have fallen to earth. You don't have the luxury now of the airborne perspective you usually have. Instead, you are in survival mode as you stick your head out for a quick breath of fresh air before you sink back in for another lap.
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You may find yourself longing for some type of pleasant little escape. Some career issues might leave you feeling a little stressed out this week, and you'll probably feel like forgetting your cares with some good friends before the week is through.
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Eating crow is never tasty, and you've never been especially good at it. But you may receive information today that will force you to take a great, big bite. Could be that a higher-up you were sure was plotting something against you from behind the scenes has really been doing just the opposite -- and not just working for you, but trying to be a guardian angel. Don't expose the secret just yet. Wait and see if they come to you first.
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That “grass is always greener” syndrome motivates you to seek stimulation through education and travel. But with Jupiter going retrograde, you don’t have to leave today. Why not use the extra time to plan a wonderful adventure? Maybe sail down the Nile on a gay cruise or ride the Orient Express to the end of the line.

Silent Frustration

My life today, yesterday and tomorrow is predominant in my thoughts. Finding balance, understanding and comfort in the day-to-day dance with life has been an enlightening experience. I enjoy waking up in the morning, and rest peacefully positioned in my bed at night. I never thought my strength had enough power to save me. Hearing kind words and positive guidance over the past years of my life have now awoken the powerful spirit inside of me.

Nearly five years ago, I stopped myself and realized I would need to follow a new path to develop the person living inside of me. My kind heart, and giving self always alive, heart pumping, but rested silently waiting.

Realizing I needed help along this journey was the first of many obstacles I have been challenged with in my life. Understanding the journey’s length, the largest. As a warm hug ended my final therapy session this past Monday, I smiled on my way home and reflected on her kind, generous and forever giving and understanding soul. Often I remind myself of the everlasting impression we leave on others, as them in return.

Now a new set of rules and paths open up at the tips of my toes. There is no “cured” and the same that the past has shown me, will forever pop its head in my life. I now choose when to remember, and when to move past. I now have the strength and power to overcome while never forgetting.

Inside this head of mine, there still will be moments of sadness, confusion, frustration, overreacting, but the paralyzing threat released. It is unnatural to live life constantly happy and focused, as it is equally as unhealthy to constantly see the down side, depressed in a corner.

Life is a balance of all emotions.

will I lose my wisdom, now that they are gone?

Yeah, I had em removed yesterday. I woke up, Tuesday morning the same as any other day. Went to the Dentist for my usual cleaning, and before I knew it I was being talked into having my wisdom teeth taken out. Right then and there. I, knowing I have to do it eventually looked back at him and said, fine take em out.

So now my mouth's population is down by two. My sore jaw is up by a bazillion though. I should have stayed home again today.

Rain, the mood magician

One of my largest hurdles in life is finding my positive, happy place when day after day the sun is out of sight, and moisture in what ever form takes over the day.

With it being winter, a colder/darker season, I am usually prepared for days and weeks like this. This morning, I struggled the entire walk to my car, the drive to work, and now sitting here at my desk. I am not sad in any way. I am not feeling any level of stress or anxiety. The rain, and darkness, all this gloom, makes me feel like I am.

It is now 8:50 AM est, and I plan to start my day over from here.

Does this weather play tricks on your mind too?

Drivers Wanted

The new Jetta's coming




I knew it was coming eventually, just didn't expect it this soon. I watched a news special on this the other night, and like a kid at Christmas, was glued to the tube. I will have to wait until they hit show room floors before I can really tell if I love or hate this radical change. I can say I am excited about the new 2.5L 150hp engine that is standard on all trim levels.

At first glance, to me it lacks the usual VW charm, but I have faith that it will proudly carry the VW symbol.

Take a closer look here

• VW America

• VW Deutschland

Let me know what you think

Graduation Day

..here i sit, looking around my office, thinking about all the years that have passed. Fourty more work days left, and my place here will be history. Incredibly hard to believe, and at the same time, semi-refreshing.

For many, you left High School, and moved on to College. Either being sent away, or commuting locally. At the young age of nineteen, I didn't head off to further my education in school, I started out in the wonderful world of corporate america.

Nineteen years old, I was sitting in a mostly empty room with women old enough to be my mother. I learned quickly the complete operation of the department, and basically dove right into it. The years went on, and I moved from department to department, continuously learning more and more. Eight years and three months later, I am currently holding a Manager title and feel that my knowledge and opinion matter on some level. Now all the doors will close, and I will bring this knowlege and experience elsewhere.

For me, it is like Graduation Day. Not that there will be any balloons or tossed caps or gowns. Just that this place gave me security, knowledge, and the know how to work, and the confidence that I can be successful.

I have to be thankful for that.

Happy New Year

So it is 2005, I really cannot believe it. It was an enjoyable night surrounded by friends and positive energy.

I wish everyone a happy and healthy 2005.

New Year's resolution #1, stop reading things that are hurtful
New Year's resolution #2, remember to find the good in everything and everyone
New Year's resolution #3, smile, daily