...today, now that yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is still out of reach..I stand in the future.
It is impossible to say, what tomorrow will bring? It feels only possible to dream for what, in your eyes, you hope to see tomorrow. I stand on this earth day in and out, and see life changing before my eyes. I wonder, when will life move faster than I can comprehend...or has that process already begun.
I am afraid of slacking and falling behind, yet fearful of the rapid pace of progression. I fear quick progress with technology, while, quickly regressing mentally. I have so much to offer, while negative energy seems destroy who I am capable of being. I allow it to control me, rather than standing strong and resisting its ways.
I tend to speak very generally in my life. Telling a story open for much interpretation. It only feels fair, as we are all born unto this earth with our own minds, our own opinions, we are ourselves. My story is mine, but when you read it, it becomes yours. I read everything this way. I visualize each moment, how I see it inside of me, and I feel that is such a wonderful gift, and would never wish that away.
I am not a complex person, I just think in a complex manner. I enjoy making something simple like food shopping, or finger painting an enormous task inside my head. The story is given life, the moment I start thinking and when the time is right, it becomes a work of art.
n. life (l f) - The physical, mental, and spiritual experiences that constitute existence.
Life is obscure, yet comprehensible.
4.27.2004
Something's too far out of reach, something's too hard to keep.
I open my arms, reach out my hands, the world to large, my grip to weak.
If only I knew, what was not to be feared.
I could focus my time, I could listen and hear.
I stood watching, sitting and staring
The music in my ears, the words, dancing in my head.
I want to jump, and spin, and dance like you
I want to, do you?
My feet cemented, grounded to the earth.
I have little control, to fight this at all.
Circles and circles I walk around you, do you see me, cause I see you.
My eyes, damp, quickly dried by the wind.
My arms chilled, suddenly warmed by the sun
My heart weak,my heart weak...
My heart weak, chilled by the sun, and damp by the wind.
I see all the beauty, cant stop and stand
Standing still, just for a moment, the ground softens, it pulls me in
Constantly moving, fighting this world we live in.
I stand, constantly moving, while constantly standing still.
Then silence ....and it all starts again.
If only I knew, what was not to be feared.
I could focus my time, I could listen and hear.
I stood watching, sitting and staring
The music in my ears, the words, dancing in my head.
I want to jump, and spin, and dance like you
I want to, do you?
My feet cemented, grounded to the earth.
I have little control, to fight this at all.
Circles and circles I walk around you, do you see me, cause I see you.
My eyes, damp, quickly dried by the wind.
My arms chilled, suddenly warmed by the sun
My heart weak,my heart weak...
My heart weak, chilled by the sun, and damp by the wind.
I see all the beauty, cant stop and stand
Standing still, just for a moment, the ground softens, it pulls me in
Constantly moving, fighting this world we live in.
I stand, constantly moving, while constantly standing still.
Then silence ....and it all starts again.
4.22.2004
...enemies within me
I opened my eyes this morning, listening to the rain, shivering under the covers, I rolled over and pushed my face deep into the pillow. Moments passed, and strings of tears fell from my eyes, immediately soaked up by the cushion holding my face. I feel empty, I feel alone, I hurt too.
My feet reached the cold floor, causing a frigid icy chill to race up my spine..my eyes opened with a jolt. Yeah, it was another morning. Another Monday morning, and today I was feeling beaten and bruised, and the torture just continued as I walked the icy floor.
I stood for what seemed like hours, feeling the warmth of the hot shower fall against my back. I stood there, blank stare on my face. Thinking so much, yet no thoughts connected. I turned to face the water, trying to warm my heart, artificially. I feel cold, I feel alone, I need warmth, I hurt too...My heart bleeds...Days and nights I fight through..I stood there, my feet still cold...
My enemy within me, fighting to hold me back. I cry too, I smile too, I weep for you.
My feet reached the cold floor, causing a frigid icy chill to race up my spine..my eyes opened with a jolt. Yeah, it was another morning. Another Monday morning, and today I was feeling beaten and bruised, and the torture just continued as I walked the icy floor.
I stood for what seemed like hours, feeling the warmth of the hot shower fall against my back. I stood there, blank stare on my face. Thinking so much, yet no thoughts connected. I turned to face the water, trying to warm my heart, artificially. I feel cold, I feel alone, I need warmth, I hurt too...My heart bleeds...Days and nights I fight through..I stood there, my feet still cold...
My enemy within me, fighting to hold me back. I cry too, I smile too, I weep for you.
4.08.2004
death of a daydreamer
I have pages and pages of words, thoughts, and dreams. All written from my inner emptiness, written from my daydreams, or as I call them, the life I wish I were living. I find it to be very true that emotion turned into beautiful forms of art, whether using words, paint, welding together a Chevy and a Toyota, or singing out every last breath you have inside. All art comes from inside, something you long for, even if you have it.
All through my life, I have given life to my dreams, through words and with paint, because if I hadn't, I felt as if I would die. I couldn't live with myself knowing that they would go to waste. Now looking back, I have all these words, all these art forms hidden inside my home, under my bed, in boxes covered in tape. I gave life to my words, and then I killed them.
Now, I sit at night in front of a blank screen, wondering where all the words have gone. I am blank inside, so I question why I don't have inspiration to fill the blankness. I am hungry to write, to a point that I am full. A few weeks ago, while discussing life, and it's interesting twists and turns with my therapist, I came to realize that I am blank inside, but at the same time, have stopped daydreaming. She questioned, Do you feel that you have merged the two lives together, do you feel like you are now living the life you always dreamed of? I had no answer, just simply sat quiet through the rest of the session. The only thing since then that I have realized is I don't recognize myself anymore. I see a familiar face in the mirror, I hear a familiar voice speaking out, but inside my head, where I have spent so many years living, I feel like I am a complete stranger.
All through my life, I have given life to my dreams, through words and with paint, because if I hadn't, I felt as if I would die. I couldn't live with myself knowing that they would go to waste. Now looking back, I have all these words, all these art forms hidden inside my home, under my bed, in boxes covered in tape. I gave life to my words, and then I killed them.
Now, I sit at night in front of a blank screen, wondering where all the words have gone. I am blank inside, so I question why I don't have inspiration to fill the blankness. I am hungry to write, to a point that I am full. A few weeks ago, while discussing life, and it's interesting twists and turns with my therapist, I came to realize that I am blank inside, but at the same time, have stopped daydreaming. She questioned, Do you feel that you have merged the two lives together, do you feel like you are now living the life you always dreamed of? I had no answer, just simply sat quiet through the rest of the session. The only thing since then that I have realized is I don't recognize myself anymore. I see a familiar face in the mirror, I hear a familiar voice speaking out, but inside my head, where I have spent so many years living, I feel like I am a complete stranger.
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