Silent Frustration

My life today, yesterday and tomorrow is predominant in my thoughts. Finding balance, understanding and comfort in the day-to-day dance with life has been an enlightening experience. I enjoy waking up in the morning, and rest peacefully positioned in my bed at night. I never thought my strength had enough power to save me. Hearing kind words and positive guidance over the past years of my life have now awoken the powerful spirit inside of me.

Nearly five years ago, I stopped myself and realized I would need to follow a new path to develop the person living inside of me. My kind heart, and giving self always alive, heart pumping, but rested silently waiting.

Realizing I needed help along this journey was the first of many obstacles I have been challenged with in my life. Understanding the journey’s length, the largest. As a warm hug ended my final therapy session this past Monday, I smiled on my way home and reflected on her kind, generous and forever giving and understanding soul. Often I remind myself of the everlasting impression we leave on others, as them in return.

Now a new set of rules and paths open up at the tips of my toes. There is no “cured” and the same that the past has shown me, will forever pop its head in my life. I now choose when to remember, and when to move past. I now have the strength and power to overcome while never forgetting.

Inside this head of mine, there still will be moments of sadness, confusion, frustration, overreacting, but the paralyzing threat released. It is unnatural to live life constantly happy and focused, as it is equally as unhealthy to constantly see the down side, depressed in a corner.

Life is a balance of all emotions.

will I lose my wisdom, now that they are gone?

Yeah, I had em removed yesterday. I woke up, Tuesday morning the same as any other day. Went to the Dentist for my usual cleaning, and before I knew it I was being talked into having my wisdom teeth taken out. Right then and there. I, knowing I have to do it eventually looked back at him and said, fine take em out.

So now my mouth's population is down by two. My sore jaw is up by a bazillion though. I should have stayed home again today.

Rain, the mood magician

One of my largest hurdles in life is finding my positive, happy place when day after day the sun is out of sight, and moisture in what ever form takes over the day.

With it being winter, a colder/darker season, I am usually prepared for days and weeks like this. This morning, I struggled the entire walk to my car, the drive to work, and now sitting here at my desk. I am not sad in any way. I am not feeling any level of stress or anxiety. The rain, and darkness, all this gloom, makes me feel like I am.

It is now 8:50 AM est, and I plan to start my day over from here.

Does this weather play tricks on your mind too?

Drivers Wanted

The new Jetta's coming




I knew it was coming eventually, just didn't expect it this soon. I watched a news special on this the other night, and like a kid at Christmas, was glued to the tube. I will have to wait until they hit show room floors before I can really tell if I love or hate this radical change. I can say I am excited about the new 2.5L 150hp engine that is standard on all trim levels.

At first glance, to me it lacks the usual VW charm, but I have faith that it will proudly carry the VW symbol.

Take a closer look here

• VW America

• VW Deutschland

Let me know what you think

Graduation Day

..here i sit, looking around my office, thinking about all the years that have passed. Fourty more work days left, and my place here will be history. Incredibly hard to believe, and at the same time, semi-refreshing.

For many, you left High School, and moved on to College. Either being sent away, or commuting locally. At the young age of nineteen, I didn't head off to further my education in school, I started out in the wonderful world of corporate america.

Nineteen years old, I was sitting in a mostly empty room with women old enough to be my mother. I learned quickly the complete operation of the department, and basically dove right into it. The years went on, and I moved from department to department, continuously learning more and more. Eight years and three months later, I am currently holding a Manager title and feel that my knowledge and opinion matter on some level. Now all the doors will close, and I will bring this knowlege and experience elsewhere.

For me, it is like Graduation Day. Not that there will be any balloons or tossed caps or gowns. Just that this place gave me security, knowledge, and the know how to work, and the confidence that I can be successful.

I have to be thankful for that.

Happy New Year

So it is 2005, I really cannot believe it. It was an enjoyable night surrounded by friends and positive energy.

I wish everyone a happy and healthy 2005.

New Year's resolution #1, stop reading things that are hurtful
New Year's resolution #2, remember to find the good in everything and everyone
New Year's resolution #3, smile, daily

salt & pepper

Which direction?

I find much enjoyment during the early morning. Slowly the world wakes up, stretches its limbs while semi-groggy, steps into “go mode”.

Where did I come from?

I am all the people, events, minds that have been within hearing distance from my ears. All the spicy food I have digested, all the beautiful landscapes, photographs, paintings and sunsets. I listen, I observe, more than anything else.

Ever wanted something so bad?

Constant reminders in my head, my own voice saying,”please, please, please” slowly increasing its intensity. Day after day, realizing it’s answer…. comfort, contentment, calm.

Have I always known what I wanted?

There was this young child realizing feelings and phrases with a complete lack of understanding them. “I am yellow, but what is yellow…?” Just like everyone else, the answers have always been inside my pocket, written neatly beside my heart.

What does air taste like?

To exhale while releasing everything inside, to live free of suffocation, and numbness. The taste is sweet, but a sweetness that will never be packaged, and sold at the market. The taste is…

Salt & Pepper?
Most everything I cook will have a sprinkle of salt and a few twists of pepper. They flavor our food, and heighten our taste buds. I sprinkle my words, my thoughts, into this world and hope to season life, like salt and pepper.

Garden State

One of the best movies I have seen all year, now on DVD.. For me, this is without a doubt a movie I need to add to my collection. Something that I can watch atleast once a year. It was such a great story, uplifting, sad, funny...heartwarming.

bread + cheese = happiness

Oh, the joy of sandwiches. They are a combination of all your favorites nestled neatly, or sometimes not so neatly, between two of your favorite slices of bread. You can really make anything a sandwich, only two requirements in my eyes are the bread, and without a doubt the cheese.

all the bells and whistles

My hands warm by gloves, body underneath my jacket. I listen to my surrounding, gently smiling.

I am thankful, for each and everyone in my life, thankful for all that have walked through my life. More than memories, life changing experiences.

Feet walking faster than my body, stumbling around the house, tripping over shoes and the little boy names Tobias. Helpful reminders to slow down, your strength is not of speed, rather patience and understanding. My armor made of butterflies and wild flowers growing on the roadside. A gentle boy, with the largest eyes, and an open mind and spirit, elephants could run through.

Thank you, I appreciate you, I am grateful for you…written on the cards I am writing inside my head. The message I am sending from my stare. Everything I say, hear, smell. Everything I am, because of the landscapes full of beautiful hearts blossoming. Dancing in the field, arms spread wide. I embrace all the hearts, minds and spirits that have held my hand through these days, weeks and years. Fulfilling, never overwhelming.

Head tilted back, the icy breath of winter sliding around my neck and down my back. I shiver, I smirk. Coldness seasonal, warmth everlasting. Shoulders back and head held high, I live inside this suit and found the mirror where I see it fits. My hands small, but capable of moving mountains and carrying worlds. My arms soft and gentle, yet strong and powerful. My legs long as I stand tall, yet short and mobile to dance, run, jump and fall. I am me, I am you, we share thoughts, happiness, sadness, and laughter with tears. I am me, and I am the world.

I don't want to play anymore

This world...seriously, what the F*ck!

I can't understand this world that we live in anymore. I don't understand being underhanded. I can't fathom walking all over people around me, to benefit myself. I look at everyone around me as an equal. I live a life being thankful for the idea of a world of free choices. I wish that meant something, other than people using it in a way that destroy's others.

There is so much paperwork, signatures, documentation. What are we anyway? A business deal, disposable useless products? Rejects?

I feel labeled not as gay, or as white, or as of Dutch decent. I feel labeled as simply another beating heart, basically useless to the world in which I have faith.

Sometimes, I struggle to understand the point in it. At times like this, I remember those I love, my passions, the small things that make me laugh and giggle. They are important to me, and I would not trade them for anything. I simply struggle, why love, laugh and giggle in a place it is never noticed.

I wonder, am I my own world. Do I have these laws, these documents, these rules inside of myself?

I wonder...will any of this make a difference in the end.

I hate complaining, I hate hurting, I hate, hating...but it seems that this world has taught me how to do all of these things better than anything else.

Forever, I will continue to make my small differences, I will continue to love unconditionally, I will continue to laugh uncontrollably, but I will never stop noticing everything else, and will always harbor a little disappointment for that.

Comments Fixed

It was frustrating me all weekend, but I managed to figure it out. Comment away!!!

farther and farther

....watching the rain wash away from my windshield, I travel slowly. thinking, anticipating, walking slowly...just one please. thinking 'not my broken heart, just the ticket' far in the back, hidden in the darkness, sitting.

and so it is, just like you said it would be, life goes easy on me, most of the time....

love, betrayal, honesty, pain, love, betrayal, honesty, pain,love, betrayal, honesty, pain,love, betrayal, honesty, pain,love, betrayal, honesty, pain,love, betrayal, honesty, pain....lost in the world of all of these.

where is blame placed in this world. fragile minds, broken hearts. take advantage when it is there, leaving, idle, no one can predict where these emotions will turn you.

as simple as it may seem, love, life, today...controlled by something greater than ever will be known. running, standing, spinning out of control. embrace, be thankful, enjoy...it lasts as long as it is. no one can expect more than that.

an amazing movie, those moments of sitting there, solo, will be with me and remind me forever.

a smile for today

Enemies Within Me

I received a little note in the mail today, telling me that something I wrote was outstanding. A word I rarely use to describe anything about myself, or things my mind has created. It made me smile.

Editor's Choice Award presented to me by The International Library of Poetry

It may just be a sheet of paper, but it means something to me :)

Where does my world begin?

Overwhelmed with nausea. I am completely uncertain why I am here. I am a person like everyone else. I have needs, wants. I almost believe I have a purpose.

Last night after watching “The 5 People You Meet in Heaven” I thought to myself, even as it appears unknown and worthless, there is worth in everything.

My heart, lives in so much pain, I really do feel sadness, something therapy will never teach me how to heal. I sometimes wonder, with everything wonderful that enters our lives, what portion of it is tainted? Even if wonderful things are present, can sadness and pain live inside of it all?

I listen to those around me, and see how they survive day to day. I see friends with heavy loads on their shoulders, loved ones with tasks nearly impossible to deal with. Through it all, they move on. Even with all the pain and strain, they conquer each day with strength and find tomorrow. You are my mentor, I find strength in your seemingly fearless voyage.

I wonder if I will ever be understood. I wonder if I make myself impossible to understand. Those that have visited the inside of my world, window shopped inside my brain, have seen the confusion. I see the wounded little boy, the fearful teenage, the stressed out young adult. He lives on many levels inside me, along side of the tearless baby, the strong fisted adolescent, the capable man. We all live with our weaknesses, and weigh them against our strengths. Sometimes, mine get confused and I have a strong man up against a weeping child.

I control my world, but struggle with owning it. I am far too often misunderstood. People never realize the influences they have on others. Many find strength and grow but lack in realizing their initial impact. People believe yesterday is always easily forgotten. Far too many forget their actions can change a world, in the blink of an eye. No one in this world is perfect. Very few of us understand how we impact those around us.

Many people changed my life on many levels, and in that I am thankful, I am sad, I am forever different.

just stopped by to say hello

My mind, numb.

A long Holiday weekend has come to an end. I spent a little over 24 hours sitting in my apartment, from Saturday afternoon, until I left today to come to work. My neck sore from lounging on the couch far too long. My mind numb from far too much television.

I have such a hunger to be creative. My mind constantly flowing over these past 5 days away from work. My body sort of paralyzed from taking action. I am a hypocrite of my own good advice. Life is too short, the world is at your fingertips, possibilities are really very endless.

I sit here at my desk, nestled inside this office. I wonder, why? I have a genuine heart, I care enough, I love truly and unconditionally. I sit here numb. I do not feel anything.

Our world has become so dependent on technology. I enjoy, and utilize all that it has to offer, while see how it paralyzes us all. People no longer do the random drive by to say hello. People are so against having their space invaded by the unexpected knock on the door. Funny, it is rarely offensive when someone IM's you without a call, or email to check on your availability.

I do not understand this world as much as I used to. I have spent countless hours of my life looking for answers. I believe now, I was better off living without wondering. Wondering and finding now leaves me feeling like an outcast.

someone moved....

I have had a blog on AOL for about a year, and have never been happy with it. So here I am blogging with the other bloggers. Since I am going to remove my previous AOL blog, I will be moving over some previous posts.

More to come, my mind..it is always in motion

Standing backwards in a mirror

Four walls, hard wood floors, a descending ceiling. Lying flat on my back, looking at the blue sky between the blinds. These thoughts running full of life in my head, tiresome. A “sneeze” with no bless-you.

Soft sheets, and fluffy pillows. Underneath a heavy quilt, my body shivering, legs aching. Around my neck, wrapped in my soft orange blanket, a childhood reminder that I will never be alone. Lying still, moving around, restless.

A warm coat, gloves and scarf. Strong shoes, and corduroy pants. Walking the street from what I call home, feelings walking though my veins from my heart, thoughts running throughout my body from my head. Slowly connected, realized and understood. Beautiful leaves dance beneath my feet, nature alive as it sleeps. This world, changing in its routine, Life developing, no matter what.

Another sneeze, still no bless you. Pulling a tissue from my inside pocket, a tear rushing down my face quickly caught. I stretch my arms above my head, then rest them arm over arm, hugging, comforting. Then a bless you I hear mixed in with my own thoughts.
I tossed the rope of orange and green around my neck, slid my hands into my pockets and listened to the soles of my shoes dance the sidewalk home

Forgetfulness; Amnesia; Impaired memory; Loss of memory

Memory loss: (amnesia) is unusual forgetfulness that can be caused by brain damage due to disease or injury, or it can be caused by severe emotional trauma

Alternative Names: Forgetfulness; Amnesia; Impaired memory; Loss of memory
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Picture it, My Car, earlier this morning, and by earlier I mean about one hour ago. I was driving to work, listening to some talk radio, sippin' on my coffee. My forty, or sometimes fifty-minute commute to work is usually my most creative period of my day. Sometimes I daydream, other times I problem solve (i.e. day dream) Today, I had this fantastic theory. It made sense in all the different lifestyles that we see everyday, far across this land. I had this sense of urgency to write it down, because I was sure this thought, these feelings I was having were sure to make a difference in at least one person's life, even if it was my own. Groundbreaking, a lot like the HBO original programming, only more realistic.

Four and one half minutes passed, and that thought. The amazing theory I had realized and made my own. My life altering idea, gone in the blink of......well it was gone quickly.

Nearly one hour later, and here I sit. Typing about this amazing idea, this groundbreaking thought. No more than sixty minutes, and I basically have no idea what I am even talking about.

I find that as each day passes, two hours, then three, four, five, six and so on hours from my forty or sometimes fifty-minute commute. I sit here, and slowly forget every act, face, thought or idea that I pass that day, until finally I fall asleep atnight to only start the process all over again the next day.

Life is amazing. I sit here, really we all sit here or there, never really sure. Actually very far from sure from how I understand it. Completely unaware of what will happen next.

xo

National Coming Out Day

It has been 5 years this past August since I decided to live my life as who I am, rather than who I thought everyone else would accept. It is an amazing feeling, living these past years as me, and it has been even more amazing growing into this, learning more about me, rather that fighting it off, and being ashamed.
I smile today and everyday, because I am able to live my life, and have the people around me love and support my decision to.
xo~bfree

~National Coming Out Day is held on October 11th every year to commemorate the first March on Washington by LBGT people. The March took place in October of 1987 and highlighted the lesbigay struggle for acceptance. The first National Coming Out Day was held on October 11, 1988.
The purpose of National Coming Out Day is to promote honesty and openness about being lesbian, gay or bisexual. LAMBDA celebrates this day with activities and resources designed to support coming out. LAMBDA also conducts ongoing projects to help enable our queer brothers and sisters to take their next steps out of the closet.~