The simplest things make me smile...
don't you love them?
7.23.2005
7.20.2005
Tired Tobias
Sleepy Kitty.... (photo taken at 4am, when I was for whatever reason, wide awake)
Seems like he is always sleepy when I am wide awake..and the opposite, when I am tired...perhaps it is a plan to defeat me..
Seems like he is always sleepy when I am wide awake..and the opposite, when I am tired...perhaps it is a plan to defeat me..
7.17.2005
dedicated to dd
when i look at this picture, i see
a patient boy
an understanding man
a giving person
a happy soul
a guy wearing all black
a silver Audi
an orange flag
blooming plants
expired meters
cigarette butts
a dirty tissue
seems i have gone off the topic at hand...anyways..
Happy Birthday DD
a patient boy
an understanding man
a giving person
a happy soul
a guy wearing all black
a silver Audi
an orange flag
blooming plants
expired meters
cigarette butts
a dirty tissue
seems i have gone off the topic at hand...anyways..
Happy Birthday DD
7.05.2005
Happy 4th
Picture it, LBI, July 4th, 2005...beautiful
So this July 4th, I headed down to LBI with The Norton Crew, and had quite the relaxing weekend, relaxed by the pool, walked on the beach, and partied like a rock star. It was most definitely what I needed after spending two weeks inside my house, nursing myself back to health.
Here is one photo of many...we tried something different this weekend, all taking pictures, there is an entire photo session of the whole weekend capturing it from beginning to end...Catch it on DVD this fall....
Brought the fantastic weekend to a close with Erin, Bridget and Miko up on the roof watching the loudest fireworks I have ever heard...roof top here on Chestnut Street. All in all, the weekend could not have been any better...
xo
So this July 4th, I headed down to LBI with The Norton Crew, and had quite the relaxing weekend, relaxed by the pool, walked on the beach, and partied like a rock star. It was most definitely what I needed after spending two weeks inside my house, nursing myself back to health.
Here is one photo of many...we tried something different this weekend, all taking pictures, there is an entire photo session of the whole weekend capturing it from beginning to end...Catch it on DVD this fall....
Brought the fantastic weekend to a close with Erin, Bridget and Miko up on the roof watching the loudest fireworks I have ever heard...roof top here on Chestnut Street. All in all, the weekend could not have been any better...
xo
6.30.2005
Spain Legalizes Same-Sex Marriages
Jun 30, 6:38 AM (ET)
By MAR ROMAN
MADRID, Spain (AP) - Parliament legalized gay marriage Thursday, defying conservatives and clergy who opposed making traditionally Roman Catholic Spain the third country to allow same-sex unions nationwide. Jubilant gay activists blew kisses to lawmakers after the vote.
The measure passed the 350-seat Congress of Deputies by a vote of 187 to 147. The bill, part of the ruling Socialists' aggressive agenda for social reform, also lets gay couples adopt children and inherit each others' property.
The bill is now law. The Senate, where conservatives hold the largest number of seats, rejected the bill last week. But it is an advisory body and final say on legislation rests with the Congress of Deputies.
After the final tally was announced, gay and lesbian activists watching from the spectator section of the ornate chamber cried, cheered, hugged, waved to lawmakers and blew them kisses.
Several members of the conservative opposition Popular Party, which was vehemently opposed to the bill, shouted: "This is a disgrace." Those in favor stood and clapped.
The Netherlands and Belgium are the only other two countries that allow gay marriage nationwide. Canada's House of Commons passed legislation Tuesday that would legalize gay marriage; its Senate is expected to pass the bill into law by the end of July.
Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero noted this in debate before the vote.
"We were not the first, but I am sure we will not be the last. After us will come many other countries, driven, ladies and gentlemen, by two unstoppable forces: freedom and equality," he told the chamber.
Zapatero said the reform of Spanish legal code simply adds one dry paragraph of legalese but means much more.
He called it "a small change in wording that means an immense change in the lives of thousands of citizens. We are not legislating, ladies and gentlemen, for remote unknown people. We are expanding opportunities for the happiness of our neighbors, our work colleagues, our friends, our relatives."
Zapatero lacks a majority in the chamber but got help from small regional-based parties that tend to be his allies.
Spanish gay couples can get married as soon as the law is published in the official government registry. This could come as early as Friday, or within two weeks at the latest, parliament's press office said.
Popular Party leader Mariano Rajoy said after the vote that Zapatero has deeply divided Spain and should have sought a consensus in parliament that recognized same-sex unions but didn't call them marriage. Rajor said that if the vast majority of countries in the world don't accept gay marriage, including some run by Socialists, there must be a reason.
"I think the prime minister has committed a grave act of irresponsibility," Rajor told reporters.
Beatriz Gimeno, a longtime leader of the gay rights movement in Spain, held back tears as she hugged her partner Boti after the vote.
"It is a historic day for the world's homosexuals. We have been fighting for many years," Gimeno said. "Now comes the hardest part, which is changing society's mentality."
The gay marriage bill was the boldest and most divisive initiative of the liberal social agenda Zapatero has embarked on since taking office in April 2004. Parliament overhauled Spain's 25-year-old divorce law on Wednesday, also irking the church, by letting couples end their marriage without a mandatory separation or having to state a reason for the split-up, as required under the old law.
He has also pushed through legislation allowing stem-cell research and wants to loosen Spain's restrictive abortion law.
The Roman Catholic Church, which held much sway over the government just a generation ago when Gen. Francisco Franco was in power, had adamantly opposed gay marriage. In its first display of anti-government activism in 20 years, it endorsed a June 18 rally in which hundreds of thousands marched through Madrid in opposition to the bill. Some 20 bishops took part in the June 18 rally.
On Wednesday, a Catholic lay group called the Spanish Family Forum presented lawmakers with a petition bearing 600,000 signatures as a last-minute protest.
Late last year, the spokesman for the Spanish Bishops Conference, Antonio Martinez Camino said that allowing gay marriage was like "imposing a virus on society - something false that will have negative consequences for social life."
Despite the street protests in Madrid and elsewhere and the petition drive, polls suggest Spaniards supported gay marriage.
A survey released in May by pollster Instituto Opina said 62 percent of Spaniards support the government's action on this issue, and 30 percent oppose it. The poll had a margin of error of 3 percentage points. But surveys show Spaniards about evenly split over whether gay couples should be allowed to adopt children.
By MAR ROMAN
MADRID, Spain (AP) - Parliament legalized gay marriage Thursday, defying conservatives and clergy who opposed making traditionally Roman Catholic Spain the third country to allow same-sex unions nationwide. Jubilant gay activists blew kisses to lawmakers after the vote.
The measure passed the 350-seat Congress of Deputies by a vote of 187 to 147. The bill, part of the ruling Socialists' aggressive agenda for social reform, also lets gay couples adopt children and inherit each others' property.
The bill is now law. The Senate, where conservatives hold the largest number of seats, rejected the bill last week. But it is an advisory body and final say on legislation rests with the Congress of Deputies.
After the final tally was announced, gay and lesbian activists watching from the spectator section of the ornate chamber cried, cheered, hugged, waved to lawmakers and blew them kisses.
Several members of the conservative opposition Popular Party, which was vehemently opposed to the bill, shouted: "This is a disgrace." Those in favor stood and clapped.
The Netherlands and Belgium are the only other two countries that allow gay marriage nationwide. Canada's House of Commons passed legislation Tuesday that would legalize gay marriage; its Senate is expected to pass the bill into law by the end of July.
Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero noted this in debate before the vote.
"We were not the first, but I am sure we will not be the last. After us will come many other countries, driven, ladies and gentlemen, by two unstoppable forces: freedom and equality," he told the chamber.
Zapatero said the reform of Spanish legal code simply adds one dry paragraph of legalese but means much more.
He called it "a small change in wording that means an immense change in the lives of thousands of citizens. We are not legislating, ladies and gentlemen, for remote unknown people. We are expanding opportunities for the happiness of our neighbors, our work colleagues, our friends, our relatives."
Zapatero lacks a majority in the chamber but got help from small regional-based parties that tend to be his allies.
Spanish gay couples can get married as soon as the law is published in the official government registry. This could come as early as Friday, or within two weeks at the latest, parliament's press office said.
Popular Party leader Mariano Rajoy said after the vote that Zapatero has deeply divided Spain and should have sought a consensus in parliament that recognized same-sex unions but didn't call them marriage. Rajor said that if the vast majority of countries in the world don't accept gay marriage, including some run by Socialists, there must be a reason.
"I think the prime minister has committed a grave act of irresponsibility," Rajor told reporters.
Beatriz Gimeno, a longtime leader of the gay rights movement in Spain, held back tears as she hugged her partner Boti after the vote.
"It is a historic day for the world's homosexuals. We have been fighting for many years," Gimeno said. "Now comes the hardest part, which is changing society's mentality."
The gay marriage bill was the boldest and most divisive initiative of the liberal social agenda Zapatero has embarked on since taking office in April 2004. Parliament overhauled Spain's 25-year-old divorce law on Wednesday, also irking the church, by letting couples end their marriage without a mandatory separation or having to state a reason for the split-up, as required under the old law.
He has also pushed through legislation allowing stem-cell research and wants to loosen Spain's restrictive abortion law.
The Roman Catholic Church, which held much sway over the government just a generation ago when Gen. Francisco Franco was in power, had adamantly opposed gay marriage. In its first display of anti-government activism in 20 years, it endorsed a June 18 rally in which hundreds of thousands marched through Madrid in opposition to the bill. Some 20 bishops took part in the June 18 rally.
On Wednesday, a Catholic lay group called the Spanish Family Forum presented lawmakers with a petition bearing 600,000 signatures as a last-minute protest.
Late last year, the spokesman for the Spanish Bishops Conference, Antonio Martinez Camino said that allowing gay marriage was like "imposing a virus on society - something false that will have negative consequences for social life."
Despite the street protests in Madrid and elsewhere and the petition drive, polls suggest Spaniards supported gay marriage.
A survey released in May by pollster Instituto Opina said 62 percent of Spaniards support the government's action on this issue, and 30 percent oppose it. The poll had a margin of error of 3 percentage points. But surveys show Spaniards about evenly split over whether gay couples should be allowed to adopt children.
6.29.2005
Imaginary Tears
Why?
Woke up that morning, refreshed head, revived soul...newborn mind. That day it began, yesterday it end.
The air smells sweet and beautiful, the ground feels solid, and quite secure.
Rain falls full of sound and measure. Each day, seemlessly blended to one.
Eyes close slowly, images of yesterday and tomorrow race in vivid color again tainting the newborn mind. Memories mixed with images of years down the road.
Say hello, wave goodbye on my mind. No matter how sure, uncertainty always, overpowering. Good lessons, mixed with bad, drowing.
Woke up that morning, refreshed head, revived soul...newborn mind. That day it began, yesterday it end.
The air smells sweet and beautiful, the ground feels solid, and quite secure.
Rain falls full of sound and measure. Each day, seemlessly blended to one.
Eyes close slowly, images of yesterday and tomorrow race in vivid color again tainting the newborn mind. Memories mixed with images of years down the road.
Say hello, wave goodbye on my mind. No matter how sure, uncertainty always, overpowering. Good lessons, mixed with bad, drowing.
6.25.2005
I love you, you big GAY boy's & girl's!

In Spirit, I am proud everyday...of who I see in the mirror, as well as all those faces I see either in person or in my head each day...
Cheers to another year of strength, happiness, and being who you are inside...no matter what
I have so much love for you all
June may be Pride Month, try to remember to show me your Pride during the 11 other months of the year..
xo
Bryan Thumbs Up
Here I sit, day in and out...no connection with the outside world, watching the world go by through my TV set.
It is amazing how your life, mood, everything can be altered when you are in an ill state. I wish it were just the flu, I wish the end of this suffering had a date. I wish I could go outside and play.
Until then I carry my ppositive attitude around in my back pocket. Hopefully I will soon be at the very least 87 percent.
(did I mention how sad I am that I am missing out on pride weekend in NYC...i complain about that atleast every 4 to 5 seconds....)
It is amazing how your life, mood, everything can be altered when you are in an ill state. I wish it were just the flu, I wish the end of this suffering had a date. I wish I could go outside and play.
Until then I carry my ppositive attitude around in my back pocket. Hopefully I will soon be at the very least 87 percent.
(did I mention how sad I am that I am missing out on pride weekend in NYC...i complain about that atleast every 4 to 5 seconds....)
6.02.2005
Bryan van
i wish that everyone could see me at that moment of "when no one is looking"
life is crazy like that when we walk and talk slightly different, with all those we encounter in life. You know you have those true friends when you can simply be, who you are, nevertheless, as if no one is looking.
I love the moments in life when I realize I am with those in my life when I can just be Bryan...I smile before, during and after, and I love it.
life is that amusement park ride that we pay for, only, not with money, rather experiences. We learn in happiness, and sadness. We learn with pain, and heartache, joy and overwhelming love. The price, balanced, inbetween.
smile with your tears
love you all, definitely mean it..!
life is crazy like that when we walk and talk slightly different, with all those we encounter in life. You know you have those true friends when you can simply be, who you are, nevertheless, as if no one is looking.
I love the moments in life when I realize I am with those in my life when I can just be Bryan...I smile before, during and after, and I love it.
life is that amusement park ride that we pay for, only, not with money, rather experiences. We learn in happiness, and sadness. We learn with pain, and heartache, joy and overwhelming love. The price, balanced, inbetween.
smile with your tears
love you all, definitely mean it..!
6.01.2005
See what I did
So, since i have been unemployed, I found a new way to keep myself busy. I have been working at The Flower Zone in lovely Westfield, NJ
www.theflowerzone.net
So I wanted to share with everyone a lovely creation by Bryan. This is the window that I designed for "Prom2005" From the dress to the feathers, i did it all, with the brain that my momma gave me. This is a shot from inside the shop, i had troubles taking one from outside, as this place gets a lot of sun.
Isn't it wonderous...?
Tell me what you think
ciao
www.theflowerzone.net
So I wanted to share with everyone a lovely creation by Bryan. This is the window that I designed for "Prom2005" From the dress to the feathers, i did it all, with the brain that my momma gave me. This is a shot from inside the shop, i had troubles taking one from outside, as this place gets a lot of sun.
Isn't it wonderous...?
Tell me what you think
ciao
5.23.2005
Monday Night, Babble
lately it seems, i have little to say
eventhough, the thoughts continue to swirl inside my head
confusion shaken, not stired, within each beautiful day
every night while I lay peacefully awake in my bed
i plan out the future, while i think about the past
opportunites at my fingertips
the life soon to be lived, with days rushing by so fast
everything, resting on my lips
i am so tired, but i forget often about just how tired i am. i keep living day to day, smiles natural, happiness enveloping. i am not in a low state, i dont feel depressed in the least. more so, i feel like i dont know what is going on. i dont do, think, or live remotly the way i did for the past 10 plus years, and it feels off, weird. tonight, sitting here enjoying a glass of merlot i wonder...first, why am i drinking merlot, but more importantly, how will i function when i get back in the fast lane. then i lean back in my chair and think, will i ever get back in the fast lane? i am living and surviving, the most important thing i have worried and thought about my entire life, yet i question. is it normal that i feel so alive, when i am not meeting any of the standardized guidelines for "life" as out elders see, and as youth is taught? i love life more so now, than ever...twenty-eight years old, and there is little i wish more for than what i have. hard to think, it is the opposite of what i thought i needed to be "whole".
today i went for my admissions meeting at The Artistic Academy...completed the paperwork, and now i truly belive this is going to happen for me. my eyes get a little teary when i think...years past and i have dreamt of tonight, funnier yet, it feels so wonderful, it feels like i am dreaming....
good night y'all
eventhough, the thoughts continue to swirl inside my head
confusion shaken, not stired, within each beautiful day
every night while I lay peacefully awake in my bed
i plan out the future, while i think about the past
opportunites at my fingertips
the life soon to be lived, with days rushing by so fast
everything, resting on my lips
i am so tired, but i forget often about just how tired i am. i keep living day to day, smiles natural, happiness enveloping. i am not in a low state, i dont feel depressed in the least. more so, i feel like i dont know what is going on. i dont do, think, or live remotly the way i did for the past 10 plus years, and it feels off, weird. tonight, sitting here enjoying a glass of merlot i wonder...first, why am i drinking merlot, but more importantly, how will i function when i get back in the fast lane. then i lean back in my chair and think, will i ever get back in the fast lane? i am living and surviving, the most important thing i have worried and thought about my entire life, yet i question. is it normal that i feel so alive, when i am not meeting any of the standardized guidelines for "life" as out elders see, and as youth is taught? i love life more so now, than ever...twenty-eight years old, and there is little i wish more for than what i have. hard to think, it is the opposite of what i thought i needed to be "whole".
today i went for my admissions meeting at The Artistic Academy...completed the paperwork, and now i truly belive this is going to happen for me. my eyes get a little teary when i think...years past and i have dreamt of tonight, funnier yet, it feels so wonderful, it feels like i am dreaming....
good night y'all
5.06.2005
delayed reaction!
upset, overtired, angry, pissy, hurt
more than five years ago, i walked the streets with a frown. a confused boy with a broked heart. the first man i loved walked away. obviously, i recovered. i, being the niave person that i guess i am, eventhough the relationship was over, reflected fondly of the memories of first finding someone in this world that could love me. i reflected with nothing but fondness.
stupid, betrayed, unloved
these some five years later, after some number of conversations, i find out that this faithful, pure love i felt was neither pure nor faithful. talk about a delayed reaction. i simply feel like a fool. i guestion, how can something like this bring me down. something that happened many moons ago. why did i cry those four tears this morning while staring in the mirror?
i guess only one man ever truly loved me. and to that, i say thank you.
more than five years ago, i walked the streets with a frown. a confused boy with a broked heart. the first man i loved walked away. obviously, i recovered. i, being the niave person that i guess i am, eventhough the relationship was over, reflected fondly of the memories of first finding someone in this world that could love me. i reflected with nothing but fondness.
stupid, betrayed, unloved
these some five years later, after some number of conversations, i find out that this faithful, pure love i felt was neither pure nor faithful. talk about a delayed reaction. i simply feel like a fool. i guestion, how can something like this bring me down. something that happened many moons ago. why did i cry those four tears this morning while staring in the mirror?
i guess only one man ever truly loved me. and to that, i say thank you.
4.21.2005
4.20.2005
....
hearts suck
sitting, listening around the room...nothing but silence
eyes closed tight, deep inside the silence the music starts
streems of tears crashing
mouth open, singing
"im gone and your still there"
months of weight crashing down
legs standing strong, the rain gushing down
i won't ever flintch
a tearful, unfortunate good bye oak tree
sitting, listening around the room...nothing but silence
eyes closed tight, deep inside the silence the music starts
streems of tears crashing
mouth open, singing
"im gone and your still there"
months of weight crashing down
legs standing strong, the rain gushing down
i won't ever flintch
a tearful, unfortunate good bye oak tree
4.18.2005
happiness or household cleaning tool

So, today I went to get a pedicure at the spa/nail salon by my house. It was a beautiful day, and a great way to bring the day to a close. The girl that does my pedicure always has silly things to talk about, as today she offered me a full leg waxing. Needless to say, I passed. We shared a few giggles, and so went my feet scrubbing and such.
Later on, I waited for Rachel's "after sex" nail polish to dry, and the women offered Rachel and I a pair of HOT PINK rubber gloves. She giggles as she gives them to me, thinking it would make me feel awkward, then procedes to tell me " Give them to your Mother, so your Father can be Happy".
Moments later, walking down the street to my house, i giggled a bit thinking, if only life were that easy.
4.12.2005
AIDS WALK NY, 2005 - May 15, 2005
4.08.2005
i wish
i wish controlling thoughts and feelings came easily
i wish questioning was unknown to me
i wish my foundation was a sound as I sell it to be
i wish i could take my own advice
i wish my head could make a decision without my heart
i wish people saw me like want them to
i wish my cat could clean his own litter box
i wish i could sing, and people would take notice
i wish happiness for all those that cross my path
i wish for things i believe are impossible, i wish my faith was stronger
i wish I believed in the overwhelming hope that lives inside of me
i wish smoking was neither good or bad for you
i wish fear was taught to us as a positive thing
i wish for you oak tree
i wish questioning was unknown to me
i wish my foundation was a sound as I sell it to be
i wish i could take my own advice
i wish my head could make a decision without my heart
i wish people saw me like want them to
i wish my cat could clean his own litter box
i wish i could sing, and people would take notice
i wish happiness for all those that cross my path
i wish for things i believe are impossible, i wish my faith was stronger
i wish I believed in the overwhelming hope that lives inside of me
i wish smoking was neither good or bad for you
i wish fear was taught to us as a positive thing
i wish for you oak tree
4.07.2005
objective friend
days of dreams answered
questions now rising like the sun into the sky
rationalizing these thoughts, every moment that has passed, amazing
the lights seen through my eyes speak truths, ten fold
sunglasses to hide behind, eventhough transparent
my invisible tears cried real, deep inside the darkness
warmth, flowing down my back
my feelings, real with life
looking up at you I see, these feeling developing, growing like a tree
......
i remember the first time, every word you spoke
i know where I stand, now my feeling awoke
numb arms, legs, glassy eyes
time to tell you, this boy cries
i hear your voice, your point seems clear
looking inside my heart, these feelings through tears
i stop, stand still, remind my time and place
it's hard to stop, stand back, while floating through space
i will look at you, you will know what I feel
nothing to question, nothing more real
questions now rising like the sun into the sky
rationalizing these thoughts, every moment that has passed, amazing
the lights seen through my eyes speak truths, ten fold
sunglasses to hide behind, eventhough transparent
my invisible tears cried real, deep inside the darkness
warmth, flowing down my back
my feelings, real with life
looking up at you I see, these feeling developing, growing like a tree
......
i remember the first time, every word you spoke
i know where I stand, now my feeling awoke
numb arms, legs, glassy eyes
time to tell you, this boy cries
i hear your voice, your point seems clear
looking inside my heart, these feelings through tears
i stop, stand still, remind my time and place
it's hard to stop, stand back, while floating through space
i will look at you, you will know what I feel
nothing to question, nothing more real
4.04.2005
"Cannonball" - Damien Rice-O
sometimes, you can't put your feelings into words, but someone else can...
Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
white linen sheets
unimaginable, the energy that surrounds
laying back, silent in this dream, the strength of one multiplying
the soft cushion, comforting
your warmth, enveloping
a whirl-wind inside my chest, tight then smooth
dizzying, then settling
unexplainable, ten minutes that passed, numb, smiles, shivers, you
can you see, are you looking there
night moves forward, time stands still
refusing to blink while staring inside
i see your soul
i taste the air that surrounds you
laying back, silent in this dream, the strength of one multiplying
the soft cushion, comforting
your warmth, enveloping
a whirl-wind inside my chest, tight then smooth
dizzying, then settling
unexplainable, ten minutes that passed, numb, smiles, shivers, you
can you see, are you looking there
night moves forward, time stands still
refusing to blink while staring inside
i see your soul
i taste the air that surrounds you
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