Dear "Santa"

Three years ago, at about almost this very week, perhaps a few days off. I remember sitting in a bar with the best friend a person could ask for. A man, that makes me smile and laugh to this day, and girl whom i forget her name but not how she made us all laugh. So, with that I think...

Christmas, to me, is about a time to be with those that you love. It is a time to come together from your busy life, and take extra time with those you miss or see quite seldom throughout the year. That memory is so vivid in my head, more so than the hysterical events of the evening. Rather, the time we shared together. Moments were not counted. The time was genuine and free of expectation.

For any number of reasons, the holiday season always gets me to a point where I want to escape, rather than come together. Quite a contradiction to my previous thought. I rely on that though and thoughts like it. To find at the very least hope that I will embrace the season and not run away from it.

Anyone that knows me, understands my inability to do something when I do not wish to. Not that Christmas is something I wish to not "attend". It is more, I fall short on understanding how to enjoy a holiday when it seems more like work, than something that should come natural. Perhaps it is from years of pretending, to satisfy those around me, or maybe it is because of reasons I am not even aware of.

Moving on...

My point here is this. I wish this year for something new to open my eyes. To discover the holiday joy inside of me. I know it is in there...somewhere.

/ful/

fool, /ful/(n): a weak-minded or idiotic person.
__________________

Often I read the definitions to words I already completely know the meaning to. I believe to find further clarification. I usually read to far into it. I do that every so often. Sometimes I just want to see what is on the surface, as that which is deeper can cause unnecessary confusion.

I expressed this word to a friend earlier, in reference to myself. In knowing that being a fool, and being foolish can be different things. The root of it, the same regardless.

Perhaps I am not a fool, maybe I have been fooled. Irregardless, foolish is me.

twisted & tangled & terrified

so every so often I have that dream that I feel the need to share with all those that will listen...this is one of those times.

So last night, not unusual at all, I fell asleep on the couch watching TV. The show so not important, I could not even tell you what it was that I was watching. Off track, sorry. So I fall deep into a comfortable sleep tangled and twisted between pillows and my oversize sweatpants. My mind swimming...

I begin to climb this latter that to anyone would seem like forever while also there is something enjoyable about the climb. It is refreshing and frightening all at the same time. When I get to the top I am sitting in the smallest, yet tallest high-chair I have ever laid my eyes on. I sit and observe a man through the window. He tells me stories through photographs. He plays short excerpts of songs. He is the father of a very close friend of mine.

Our communication continues but no words are exchanged. As time passes I find myself slowly sliding down in the chair. Terrified, I realize if I try to pull myself up in the chair, it begins to violently rock and nearly tip over. I try, try and try again, but cannot pull myself back upright, now nearly sliding out of the seat of the chair.

Thousands of feet high up in the air, I am holding on for dear life with one hand, and waving for the man inside the room to take notice of my horrific situation. He waves and shows me a picture of a cloud, then a sunset. One single tear falls down my cheek as I consider letting go.

A powerful fear comes over me, and I decide trying and failing is better than throwing in the towel. I put both hands on the chairs arms and slowly and steadily as I can pull myself up into the chair, only as I pull myself up the chair begins to tip backward. I look forward and see the man waving goodbye to me. I reach out to him, then simply wave back.

Then I jump awake on the couch...twisted and tangled and terrified

dangerous daydreaming

My perspective on things does not seem to even be on the same planet as it was a year ago today.

Sometimes I cannot believe that I am actually present as time passes by. I obviously know that I am, as I have the memories as proof. When everything comes to a halt, using the present moment as an example, I am blown away when I look back at even the past day of events. Not to mention a whole year or more.

It’s quite overwhelming to piece together the thoughts I am having, trying to put together this puzzle of my journey. It’s hard to make this pathetic attempt to release some thoughts, sound interesting. Words used to flow out of my mind quite freely. While lately, it takes considerable effort.

I pass through page after page online, looking at the progression of my friends and loved ones. Watching such growth, birth as well as rebirth. Challenges being met and conquered. It’s quite amazing to see how much a year can make, change, destroy and rebuild. Quite easy when you are are talking about a tangible object. Quite extraordinary when you are talking about something real. Life.

After watching a movie last night, and reading over a well thought out blog of sorts from a distant friend. I have realized that once again I have fallen into this dark hole that leaves me hungry for more. I suppose that life can change as often as it would like to. Even if that means leaving my life in a disheveled mess. No matter how often you think you have everything figured out, there will always be a curve ball that forces you to realize “I have no idea what’s going on”.

Reading back over my words here have me realizing that I cannot move on from the same thought. I am almost so inside this emotion, it is all I can write about, it is all that I am feeling. It is, most definitely true to where I am in my life at the moment. This story, of sorts. These words, are me.

Falling

Falling - fell, fall·en, fall·ing (–verb (used without object)
to pass into some physical, mental, or emotional condition
---
Unique - u·nique (adj.)
Being the only one of its kind, Without an equal or equivalent; unparalleled

---

Two words that best describe what I want to say. I often think of my feelings and actions to be unique. Regardless if it is the truth or not. Often I have feelings, emotions or simply my actions in a situation. I wonder if anyone has similar feelings. I think, it is impossible for two people to feel the same emotion. Then you look at someone and see in their eyes and feel it in their soft words and realize, maybe it is.

I’ve been traveling for many years now putting all of my experiences and lessons into my backpack. Constantly looking back at the past and comparing to the present. Each time I start a new voyage, I think about how to start fresh and clean. What I have realized is that with each new start, the previous ending is not relevant. Our lessons may make us think a little before we speak, but the voyage is new regardless.

Happy Pride

pride  [prahyd] noun a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem. the best of a group, class, society, etc.



For starters I would like to say Happy Pride. I have found in the past ten years I have been living the proud life of an openly gay man. I can sense those that appreciate that statement, and those that just hear it and then dismiss it. I get chills even today, when I see and feel the latter of those two.

As with everything else in life, pride starts within yourself before anywhere else. You cannot appreciate or accept anything, until you appreciate and accept yourself. In realizing this I now, more than ever, can appreciate the importance of being proud of who I am and what that represents within the gay community. When taking off the saturday before the upcoming NYC pride celebration, I wrote down "family gathering" as the reason for me needing the time off. Whether that is "technically" true or not and regardless of how many people I will actually know when I walk the streets of NY, I understand the struggles and accomplishments within the LGBT community more than any other. That to me signifies family.

The hardest struggle for any one person walking this earth is the struggle for simple acceptance. Throughout history there have been these struggles, and while great stride has been made in many aspects, ignorance will always live and be heard louder than reason. The importance of pride within any community is to put ignorance aside and let that pride be seen and heard louder and brighter than the usual blanket of ignorance, discrimination and hate.

Many proud LGBT individuals do not have the luxury to live day to day completely open to the world. Regardless of their reasons , Pride allows them to open up and exhale. This lifestyle is no more a choice than my gender being male. I was born who I am and live proud everyday.

Simply put, pride is a celebration of life, love and the rebirth of community.

All I Need ~ Mat Kearney

idle in-between

Remember when I used to flush out my thoughts into beautiful words, witty comments, out right funny gestures. Remember when I was a whole person fighting the fight with only me by my side. The strength to move mountains, the power to do what ever my heart desired and the motivation to do it all twice in one day. I look at the years that I have struggled through, the days filled with power and ambition, the nights alone wishing for someone to sit and stay by my side for more than just a quick empty moment. It is hard to weigh them side by side. The power and strength of being alone and the eternal feeling of emptiness and loneliness.

I struggle to figure out how to make them live in a place of peace and serenity. How to be ok with feeling alone once again. I can't comprehend how to find the previous ambition to fight for what I want out of life. I have ideas and passion that all seems to be lying asleep inside of me. Hibernating through this change, different from the change in season yet happening in a parallel place of similarity.

I look in the mirror everyday and feel much like someone healing from a head injury. Am I me? I wonder as I stare in the mirror for a undetermined amount of time. Who are you, person staring back at me? What do you want to do today I ask, what do you want to come of this day? I want to make a difference, I want to smile and laugh with those I see standing near me. I want to think about what I can do, rather than being sophicated by thoughts of things out of my control. As I have been taught, I remind myself with each passing moment of the things I want to change, the things I want for myself. I remind myself to stop thinking, while it seems to only make me think more. In an explosion of frustration I throw my arms up and surrender. My power to control myself is only as strong as me. I need to give myself a break. Exhausted equals me.

Love, something I have never known or felt to this capacity before ever. It surrounded me and huged me in a way I wish I could have shared it with every passing person I saw. I forget how to enjoy it, and constantly worry about how I destroyed it without being completely aware. My heart can be overbearing and needy. It needs twice as many hugs, it needs twice as many kisses, it needs twice as many reminders, it needs twice as much love as any other heart I know. My heart controls all my actions, decisions and feels all the consequences my life, myself deals to it. My heart aches and sleeps, never resting idle in-between.

Decisions and consequences. I once decided this is what I want....I never found out what "this" was.. Perhaps I am a simple boy that just wants love out of life and nothing more. Is love my super power, or is it my cryptonite. The one thing I want more than anything seems to be the one thing that paralyzes me. No one moment ever seems to satisfy me. Nothing ever seems to be enough. The needing never stops, the wanting is always present with each changing thought. If only I could direct these feeling in the direction that would make a difference or save a life or at the very least change something for the good. If only my powers and strengths were worth having, rather that just draining and ultimately powerless.

Simon & Garfunkel ~ I am a Rock

Cold Water, Closer

---
This movie, flawless and heartbreaking
The song is the same

heartache, never to be figured out...simply something you work through and deal with.
we always move on, but thankfully never forget
i wish to never forget
who would want to forget when you can smile and remember
sometimes hurt makes you want to forget
my hurt makes me want to remember
love is not found everyday, but i've found it
and I know it
and I embraced it with all of who I am
love is... unforgetable

Angel

Welcome Home!

It's funny how that home changes meaning throughout the years, but still can retain a glimse of the original meaning at the same time

I've thought about this all day today as I drove off to spend this holiday with those I love and know return love, unconditionally.

Home to me has been an ever changing and evolving thing. Home, no matter how scary or uncomfortable has always, ironically, gave me that comfortable feeling that is nearly impossible to translate into words.

In my life, I find the feeling of home to be close to those you care for, while feeling that indescribable security. I have that feeling when Dante puts his arm around me just when I need him to. When Rachel calls from london exactly when I need to talk. When my sister remembers and reminds me of being kids, when we would laugh and play, regardless of other distractions, when my mother gives me her look of peaceful disconnection, and when my grandmother looks at me with her long lived wisdom...that wisdom that clearly tells me she knows what I am going through...every step of the way.

Home follows you. It is not a place, or a person...It is a feeling. One like no other.

Happy Thanksgiving ..... my list of reasons to be thankful is beyond endless

Thoughts can Paralyze

par·a·lyze (pr-lz)
tr.v. par·a·lyzed, par·a·lyz·ing, par·a·lyz·es
To make unable to move or act
To impair the progress or functioning of; make inoperative or powerless
------

Especially in my case, I lose strength when my I am overwhelmed by my thoughts.

In my life I have often found myself lethargic when engulfed in uncertainty. One thing about myself that has only grown through the years is my heart and ability to love. I love truly and deeply and once trust is realized...I love freely and blindly. I realize the weakness caused by this, but also believe within weakness is great strength.

I've been told to be too dramatic, and to dwell on things longer than needed. I both love and hate this trait of mine. I love the dramatic side of things as it is what feels true to my heart and mind. Perhaps I dwell because of my inability to feel complete until all the facts are crystal clear. Regardless I accept this of myself, as well as the consequences that come along with it from time to time.

This morning as the sun rose, I layed in bed staring at the ceiling playing thoughts and images over and over again. I had an emotional day yesterday, and as I layed there I wished for some of these traits of mine to correct themselves.

I guess I am not really heading in any one direction...I just have many emotions sitting in my heart that need to be released. I have always found great comfort in releasing them by writing, even if only I underdstand what I am talking about.

Wierd Al - White and Nerdy

I Passed!!

So after a long two weeks of wondering the outcome, I got my results from my State Board Licensing exam, and as you can see above...I freaking passed...

Huge weight #1 lifted...

Who's buying me drinks to celebrate?

Blank Page

Sitting here staring into this page has me puzzled. It has always been the easiest way for me to vent my thoughts and clear my head. Writing down just what I am thinking, in or out of order of event. Lately I find it hard to accomplish this. Lately I find it hard to do a lot of things. I try to present a fully aware and intact person to the outside world, while on the inside I am just plain dizzy. I argue with myself about the choices I have made in my life. I disagree with many choices, but have great thanks to many as well. Guess there is balance somewhere in all of that.

I often find myself sitting listening to the same song over and over again. I partially believe it has to do with my seeking the true meaning of the song, at least to me. The other part of me believes I know the meaning and enjoy being in that moment so much, I cant bear to move on from it. Sitting within this one song is a lot like being inside my mind, looking through my eyes and seeing the world. Sometimes the song is fast, sometimes its slow...and many times whether happy or sad my emotions get the best of me to turn out at least a tear or two.

Everywhere you go you hear about how fast life passes you by and how important each moment is. Never take for granted, live free of regret. Its surreal to think how when you live by these two rules, the painful sacrifice that comes along with it. Its not an easy task to put your ego aside, tail between your legs, heart wide open with all your bloody vulnerability out there for all to see. I guess you could say in turn the strength to do all of that is far greater than any other.

Here I am again, not completely sure where I was going with this. Just a random few paragraphs of my thoughts in case anyone out there was wondering what runs through my mind these days. I often think too much by some individuals standards, I can agree on the surface, but realize after further investigation I think just the right amount. If I thought less, I would do less, I would be less, I would care less. All things I dont want for myself. Fear, struggle, discomfort, moments of vivid freaking out. All for a reason...hopefully these reasons will become absolutely clear sooner than later.

Within all of my fear, confusion and gut wrenching screams there are also those moments of absolute peace. Moments of complete happiness, moments of a realness I often believed did not exist. Ive learned so much from simply living life and taking those important mental notes. Watching people travel through my life with their important messages. I read all the signs and forget nothing and no one. I carry very little hate for even the most hateful person that crosses my path and I carry eternal love for those with even whispers of good wishes. I embrace my friends with good thoughts and love within my thoughts even when they are at a physical distance (miles and miles across water and earth) I admire my family and all its unique quirkiness'. The strength within my sister, mother and grandmother will forever amaze me. I adore my boyfriend, in my mind he is the most genuine wholehearted person I have ever shared my heart with. Within all of this I find everything I need to smile when I wake in the morning, laugh when something is funny and see the beauty in things people normally overlook.

With that, I am off

In our daily lives problems are bound to arise. The biggest problems in our lives are the ones that we inevitably have to face, like old age, illness, and death. Trying to avoid our problems or simply not thinking about them may provide temporary relief, but I think that there is a better approach. If you directly confront your suffering, you will be in a better position to appreciate the depth and nature of the problem. If you are in a battle, as long as you remain ignorant of the status and combat capability of your enemy, you will be totally unprepared and paralyzed by fear. However, if you know the fighting capability of your opponents, what sort of weapons they have and so on, then you're in a much better position when you engage in war. In the same way, if you confront your problems rather than avoid them, you will be in a better position to deal with them.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

What you think upon grows...

Have a Smooth Day!

Voyage

Rarely in life have I encountered anyone that has fulfilled a dream from childhood. My life, a constant struggle quite hard to explain with words, has only recently begun to make sense. As a child I saw my future and dreamt of the this every moment possible. Inside these dreams, I lived a level of sadness as I believed my dream was an unrealistic reality. I made my commitment recently to eliminate the thought of impossibility and to push forward to what lives naturally inside of me. During this voyage I have discover new challenges, that of self doubt, that of indescribable impossibility, that of uncontrollable excitement. Within all of these emotions I struggle to train my mind that each of these emotions will help to push myself to success. I embrace my fear as this fear keeps me constantly aware and meticulously focused on achieving and satisfying my dreams

Say Hi

A semi long awaited posted of my new ride...Isn't he cute?

so after a little over a month of driving, I still find myself smiling while spending time in my new beetle. Being a long time VW supporter, I never thought I would find myself behind the wheel of a new beetle conv. and now I am. Now if only I could get summer off the brain. I can't wait to speed down the shore with the wind in my hair with honeybear at my side...

Tell me what you think...!

moments with you

unimaginable, the energy that surrounds
laying back, silent in this dream, the strength of one multiplying
the soft cushion, comforting
your warmth, enveloping
a whirl-wind inside my chest, tight then smooth
dizzying, then settling
unexplainable, these moments that have passed, numb, smiles, shivers, you
can you see, are you looking
night moves forward, time stands still
refusing to blink while staring inside
i see your soul
i taste the air that surrounds you